In reviewing some of my friends' journals, it is sad how we continue to battle with our weightloss journeys every single day. Every year, we battle with the same resolution. We really should be like NIKE and JUST DO IT! Easier said than done, I know...
Although weightloss groups are great when they work, the real work comes from within. Any diet will work if you keep at it long enough, so that is not the problem.
When I did investigations of rape, incest, and child abuse, I learned that a baby cannot survive without love, without touch, without kisses or hugs. If that is true, it is a wonder that I have survived all of these years without love. Most men use women for their own needs. They think that a woman should feel previleged that they have "made love" to her. But love is more than mere penetration.
I cannot deny that there are men who want to be with me. That is not the problem, but to me, that is a waste of my precious time. I cannot deny that my body yearns to be caressed, to be hugged. To spend a night with someone who just holds you all night... is that possible?
Perhaps, I should just buy a dog... Comfort, affection, protection, security, tranquility... These are the things I strive to bring into my life, but food should not be the answer for me to have all of those things.
I keep looking for ways to get inspired... ways to BELIEVE that there has to be someone out there who will love me for myself instead of for my body. The weight becomes a shield of protection, and to let go of that shield is the hardest thing for me to do, especially for someone like me, who has been raped as a child and as an adult. But I have to believe that even if no one ever loves me, God loves me, and I must love myself enough to get through this difficult journey.
This journal may be for me, but God knows what He does. The trials and tribulations of my past have helped me to make a difference in countless of lives in very many ways. This is the main reason why I decided to go public with my journal. If I should die tomorrow, I want to know that this journal was written to help at least one person in the world, and perhaps, as you read it,that person will be you.
This is my legacy... to continue to work for God's glory, for with God, all things are possible.
1 comment:
Hi Win,
Even though I have not been raped as a child or an adult I have a shield of protection also. I have had several bad relationships and due to them it makes it hard for me to believe that someone could actually love me. I actually stayed in a bad relationship because I felt no one would ever want to love me and that he was the best that I deserved. I finally got rid of him but gained a lot of weight after telling him I never wanted to see him again. I have lost the weight but sometimes I feel like no one will ever love me even now. I love reading your journal and it picks me up when I am feeling down. Thank you Win for being my friend.
Love,
Kathy
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