Monday, July 24, 2006



OK... Here's the buzz. I'm finally going to be heading out for my vacation tomorrow. I will be leaving to San Antonio in the morning, San Marcos on Wednesday, Rockport on Sunday or Monday, and Corpus on Monday or Tuesday. I am getting tired just thinking about it.

Au revoir,

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Footprints in the Sand


My body makes it difficult to walk sometimes, but once was a time when I was told that I would never walk again. 

This morning was another of those difficult days, but even though I was in pain, I was surprised to be able to walk four laps around the parking lot. I continue to pray for the strength and healing of my body.

Lord, I am a walking miracle. Do not allow the pain of my body to keep my mind from wanting to take my body out for a walk. 

"During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

My Birthday


I would like to thank Ms Sugar for the lovely "Best Friends" Marilyn Monroe graphic with my name on it. I would like to thank Ms Kat for the lovely ecard that I received in my inbox this morning. I would like to thank all the lovely people who sent me emails to wish me a happy birthday. I would like to my daughter CC for calling me today. I would like to thank my daughter Angel who left me a message in my journal! Wow! I would like to thank all of the lovely people who left me such kind comments in my journal today. I would like to thank the Academy Awards. I would like to thank God for not making me spend this birthday in the bathroom with no cake. And I would just like to thank everybody! I love you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your sweetness sweetened my day.

dress   Win

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Just A Note


Well, I turned in the computer and printer and all of my files. I hope I completed everything I had to do. Peggy wasnt there when I delivered everything so I will need to call her in the morning to ensure everything is completed. I hope I wont have to work tomorrow because it is my birthday but tomorrow is the deadline so I might have to.

Other than work, I dont know what else I will do with my time. It is obvious that I wont be able to go anywhere. Sighhh... Last year I couldnt go anywhere either because we had a hurricane and I ended up spending my birthday in the bathroom with no cake... I hope tomorrow will be an ok day.

I still havent been able to reach my girls via telephone. I hope they are ok. Maybe they are on vacation?! Ive been talking more to answer machines than people lately.

It was great to talk to a live person when I called my best friend. We made plans to meet in Corpus Christi on Friday, so we can go out to dinner somewhere. It will be great to get away from the Valley.

Thanks for this graphic, Sugar! I love it. I just wish it had my name on it. Hint! Hint! LOL

Win =.)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Beautiful, Part III

What is it like to be beautiful? Is it an easier life as far as job promotions, getting better seats in restaurants, cutting in line, getting men to pay for your gas, your car note, your rent, or whatever!

I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but I was in very good shape in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. Being in shape took a lot of hard work. My routine was a lot of walking, jogging, and lifting weights five days a week, and dancing twice a month. I was never on a diet, but I did watch my portions. I mostly ate foods that were economical, because I had two girls and a dog to feed, and I had to stretch my food dollar. I chose vegetables over salads with little or no nutrition value and you'd never catch me munching on celery or carrot sticks like people with money do. 

My body has been through a lot. I have lots of health problems due to a bad car accident from which I broke almost every bone in my body and a fall at my last job when I turned 50. Jogging has been out of the picture for a long time, because it is very bad for the joints, and besides, gravity is not a woman's friend. After the fall, it has become more difficult to walk and do things around the house like I used to. My energy is not what it used to be. I dont know how long it will take my body to heal, but I believe in the power of the mind and I believe that a lot of times, our bodies are able to heal themselves. Thinking positive is a very important part of healing.

I love being independent. Working helps me to feel good about myself. I have been working since I was six years old and earning money since I was seven. My first job was working in the cotton fields, and I picked cotton every summer until I graduated from high school. At age six, I was in full control of a household: cleaning, cooking, and taking care of my brother. Even though I could barely read, I even taught myself how to make cookies. Taking care of a household taught me valuable skills, but I never earned any money from it. I think that is why I prefer to work at a job outside the home.

Jobs came easily for me, not because I was beautiful, but because others saw that I was a respectful and responsible little girl. People would look for me to come to work for them.When I was in junior high, I found my dad's old typewriter and typing book and I taught myself how to type. When the priest found out that I could type, he hired me to do the church bookkeeping, type the bulletins, and use the printing press. Another man sought me out to work for him as a cashier at the local soda shoppe where the kids would hang out at lunchtime. These were all jobs that fell in my lap without my even applying for them.

Getting a job is not about begging someone to give you a job. It is about doing your homework about yourself, to know yourself so well that when they interview you, you make yourself shine, because you already know all the answers and you are able to tell them stories about how you were able to accomplish this or that. Getting a job is never a problem.

Keeping a job is a different matter, because bosses are different. Working for a woman is much harder because women bosses have to prove themselves. They are too jealous and too competitive. It is hard for them to understand that I dont want their job, that I just want to prove myself. Most men dont have that handicap. Proving myself to a man boss has always been easier for me, not because of being beautiful, but because I am a hard dedicated worker.  As for promotions, I have never had a promotion that I didnt work hard for. A lot of times, you can be passed up for promotions if you look too beautiful, especially if you work for a woman boss. Other times, the only way to get a promotion is to leave that job for a better job.

I have had many jobs in my lifetime. My turning point was when I saw that there was no escape from poverty if I didnt finish my education. It was hard to go back to college as a single parent, having to pay someone to watch my kids while I worked and went to school, but I did it. I got through it. Today, I dont earn what I am worth. I make a very modest salary, but at least, I earn more than minimum wage.

When I got my degree, I thought things would be different, but working with educated people is just as hard as working for uneducated people. People are just as jealous and vicious. Alot of times, you just have to know when to keep your mouth shut.

Cutting in line is something that I would ever do, simply because it just isnt right. I hate it when people do that, because it shows that they are uneducated and that they have no problem being disrespectful.

Better seats in restaurants? The way I live is very modest. I dont usually go out to eat at a fancy restaurant, unless if I have a date who is okay with paying for my meal. But even at a fancy restaurant, I look for the meals with a modest price, no matter who is paying for it. The only restaurants I like to go to are where there is good seafood or chinese food. If a man doesnt know how to cook, I dont date him. I think it is a lot better to have a man who is helpful in the kitchen. I dont care for men who want to be waited on hand and foot. Yes, even I enjoy breakfast in bed once in awhile!

Being beautiful does not mean that men are drawn to you, because they want to have a great life with you. Being pretty has made me a target for men who have hormone problems, men who see me as a toy for a few minutes of bliss, men who want to have me without any kind of commitment. Having a man to pay my debts is something that I have never experienced. Most of the men in my lifetime notice that I am a hard working person, and a lot of times, they tried to take advantage of that. There are many men in the world who wouldnt blink twice to have a woman earn the money and take care of all their physical and material needs. To this day, I have no idea what it would be like to have a man who was genuinely concerned about me, a man who is genuinely interested in making a better life for us. I wish I knew what it is like to attract the right man. 

grayscale  This is my passport photograph on a grayscale. My hair was a reddish brown and it was pulled back in a hairclip. When I turned 50, I changed my hair color to blonde, and I have allowed my natural curls to do what they want. This picture was taken when I thought I had found happiness. It was taken thirteen years ago. This was my favorite cotton shirt. It was olive green with long sleeves and a sgt stripe on the sleeve like the picture of Marilyn Monroe in the Love Nest picture above. I loved to wear this shirt when I worked at the jail, because it looked so military and authoritative. Working at the jail, I had to downplay my beauty. I could only wear minimal makeup and I couldnt wear perfume at all. I wore mostly pants and flats with a little wedge heel.How you dress at a job could make you or break you.

Being beautiful has taught me that proving yourself past your looks is a full time job in your career and in finding the perfect mate. Losing weight should always be something that you do for yourself. It makes you feel more confident when you look and feel better in your clothes.

Losing weight is not about competing with the beautiful people. It's not enough to be beautiful. You have to be beautiful and popular or beautiful and famous for people to see you differently. But even Marilyn Monroe had a lot of men problems, because men always failed to see the bright woman that she was. .

Birthday countdown: 3 more days        


Saturday, July 15, 2006

Beautiful, Part II.

What about your days as a model? What was that like?

During my first two years of college, people would see me rushing, always rushing, to get from one place to another. Little did they know that I had no car and that I worked three jobs besides attending college. 

College brought a new independence. There was no criticial mother around to make me feel inferior. Something about this independence changed my life. I felt more confident, and I suddenly felt better about my body. I lived off campus, because the dorms were too expensive, so walking really helped to shape my body but I would also take time to jog around the track a few days a week. 

Some of the athletes would notice me running. Some of the boys at school would notice me rushing from one place to another. I think I was noticed because I flashed by and then I was gone. Sometimes the boys would follow me home from school, but I walked too fast for them to keep up with me. 

Betsey Johnson started making patterns for Butterick, so I started sewing her fashions. Other designers that I liked were Willi Smith and John Kloss. Unlike other students who dressed like hippies, I always looked distinctfully different, because I always looked dressed up. Cute little flippy skirts, light green softly flowered hiphugger pants, white eyelet jacket, long flowered skirt with matching midriff blouse with 3/4 sleeves and ruffles, flowered cotton two piece short skirt suits. I guess I was more of a flower child. (blush) I wish I had saved my clothes, but I do have a few of the Betsey Johnson patterns from that time.

                 This was the only pattern I could find in the Internet. I made the short pink skirtset on the right. The sleeve is just a ruffle all around. I sewed it up in purple polyester knit. It had a zipper on the side which made my waist seem even smaller. I loved the easy to care for fabric. No ironing! In winter, I would wear the top with a white blouse underneath and a grayand lavender plaid granny skirt, also handmade from other patterns.

One day when I was in the art building, an art teacher "discovered" me. He asked me to model for the beginner's art class. I refused to model in the nude, but a lot of what I wore was skimpy enough, i.e. hiphugger shorts, midriff tops with long flowing skirts, drapey things. Modeling for the beginner's class was tough work, because I had to pose in the same pose for three hours with a break after an hour and a half, but it somehow came natural to me. I can imagine how Norma Jeane must have felt, because unlike the other models, I could stay still for an hour and a half.

I was very flattered that the art teacher wanted me to model for his class. I never dreamed that a short girl could be a model.

I remember being very careful about what colors I was going to wear. I remember being very selelctive about what I wore to model in. When I got to the class, however, it didnt matter what colors I wore, because the students always changed the colors and made their own interpretation. I remember how they looked at me, as if they were genuinely interested in what they were painting. I remember how they would take me by the hand to help me down from the platform. I remember their look of admiration, as one of the young men said, "There is nothing wrong with her. She's absolutely perfect." Those words were like magic, because I had always thought there was definitely something wrong with me.That young man made me feel respected and admired. I should have dated him!!!

I wish I had asked some of the students for one of their paintings. Their interpretation of me was wonderful. They saw me in an entirely different light than I saw myself.

My roommate would tell me that sometimes I would look like I was posing in my sleep. I thought that was funny. It seems that I always dream about work.

So what was it like to be a model? It was wonderful.

PS... Four more days until my birthday. I hope I am finished with my work so I can take a few days off.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Beautiful, Part I.

    More questions about this Wedding photo:

What is it like to be just so gorgeous that you were wanted to make an amazing day even more beautiful?

Yes, it is unusual that the bride selected me without knowing who I was. I dont know why she selected me to be in her wedding. This was the first time that I had ever been to a wedding. My little life had known mostly quiet and sadness, but I had never seen people laughing and enjoying life. She had a slender little waistline and she wore a long white dress and veil. I had never seen a bride before. Even though her dress was simple, I was impressed with her dress, because to me, she looked like the picture of Cinderella in my Little Golden Book when Cinderella married her prince. Another thing is that the bride married an anglo. I had never seen someone marry outside of their race before, but the thing I remember most about her was her smile. She was so happy. It was the first time that I ever saw anybody happy. She was such a nice person and she was so full of life. I sometimes wonder how her marriage worked out, if she is still happy. I dont know why she selected me to be in her wedding. Maybe she thought I was pretty, or maybe she was impressed that I was very respectful and always so well behaved. I hope that she was able to have lots of babies, because it would have been wonderful to have had her for my mother. For me, it was an honor to have this bride select me to make this special day in her life memorable.

I was selected for about three weddings. I know my brother was with me in one of them. I think my mother was hurt, because she wanted the bride to choose my brother for this wedding. I dont know why the bride didnt want my brother to be in her wedding. Maybe she just thought that it would be better if the little boy was not my brother. Maybe she just thought Freddy was cute.

When my mother saw this picture in my home, she didnt like it. She commented that Freddy grew up to be such an ugly man. Her comments never cease to shock me.

When this event happened, my mother took me to the seamstress. At that time, it was much more economical to have your dresses made. I think that is when I fell in love with sewing. I marveled at how the seamstress measured my little body only once, and before I knew it, I had this beautiful dress.

I like this picture, because in this picture, I was still innocent and I still had my virginity. I wonder if the way I looked in this dress opened up the doors to the pedifiles in my childhood. It was shortly after this picture that my teenage cousin had sexual intercourse with me during a game of hide and seek.

Because my mother favored my brother, most of the pictures from my childhood are of my brother. Unfortunately, the few pictures of myself that I would have wanted are so small that to blow them up would really mess them up. And because my mother always took pictures in black and white, you wouldnt be able to see the colors anyway.

Another of my favorite pictures was when I was six. My teacher selected me to represent the 1st grade class in the Sports Coronation. My dress was made out of pink netting that had silver dots on it. It was pretty much the same style, except that it was floor length and it had a little stole that covered my shoulders and clipped in the front. The stole was made of the same material. The dress was so beautiful. It made me feel like a princess. I was surprised that my mother put a little lipstick on my lips. When they were giving out the crowns at the coronation, I was hoping that they would give me a crown, too, but it didnt matter that I didnt get one, because I felt like a little princess anyway. 

Another time, I was selected for twirling. I think I was about six or seven. It was the only time that I can remember in my childhood that I wore a short skirt, and I believe that was the only time in my lifetime that my mother actually seemed proud of me. I was the youngest twirler. All the other girls were from junior high and high school.

When I was a little girl, nobody ever told me that I was pretty. Every little girl should be told she is pretty, even if she is not. ~Marilyn Monroe

When I was a little girl, I didnt know what beauty meant. Like Marilyn Monroe, no one ever told me that I was pretty. All I knew is that pedifiles were attracted to me and that they only used me for their pleasure, but my grandfather was different. I often wondered when he would fondle or want to have sex with me, but my grandfather respected my little body.

I always wondered if there was something wrong with me. Why did all of these pedifiles choose me? Why didnt they respect my father's death in leaving behind a little girl who had no one to defend her? Did they know about one another? Did they plan this together?

At five years old, I was too young to know what suicidal thoughts were. I never thought about killing myself, but I did spend many hours on the roof crying about my life and asking God to take me with him to heaven so that I could be with my father.

In junior high, I would hide behind loose clothing. I was afraid for anyone to think I was beautiful, because I was so tired of the sexual abuse. I remember Mali seeing me in the dressing room at school. She was shocked that I had a body. She asked me why I didnt wear clothing that was more close fitting so that I could show off my body. I never told her why. I just continued to wear the loose clothing.

When I was a little girl, I never knew what beauty meant. I never thought of myself as pretty. For me, it was about the clothes. It was the pretty dresses that made me feel like a princess, even if it was just for a little while.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Beauty of Nature


The full moon greeted me this morning as I set out for my morning walk. It has been such a long time since I've seen that beautiful moon. The first time I feel in love with the moon was when I lived in Corpus Christi. The wife of a male coworker invited me and a few of her friends to her home. We went to the deck in her "backyard" which was all deck and no yard. It overlooked the bay. The moon was as huge as the Wizard of Oz's Glenda, and it just joined us, kissing the water, as if it was speaking to us. It was the most beautiful moon. I sometimes wonder why I have never looked at the full moon with a man. It seems that everytime I catch glimpse of the full moon, I am either alone or I am with another woman! The moon that joined that night is called a blue moon. It was the most beautiful yellow color. A blue moon only occurs about every four years. You know it is a blue moon because it is when there are two full moons in one month. 



  My favorite childhood picture, age 5. For those of you who asked, this picture included the bride and groom but I had them crop out just the kids. The little boy was a boy who lived in my hometown. His name is Freddy. I dont know who the bride was. All I know is that she picked me to be in her wedding. Freddy and I picked up her train. When my mother saw this picture in my home, it seemed like a bad memory for her, because the bride did not want my brother to be in her wedding. All I know is that this was the first time I ever had such a pretty dress. There have been very few times in my lifetime when I have felt pretty. When I wore this dress, it was the first time I ever felt pretty.

Nature has always been an important part of my life. In my childhood, I would spend countless hours chasing butterflies and fireflies and looking for golden ladybugs. My uncle noticed how much I loved to play in the meadow, and he made me a butterfly net. The net made it much easier to catch the butterflies, but it wasnt as exciting a sneeking up behind them to catch them by hand.

Yes, I loved playing in the meadow as a child! Playing in the meadow helped me to cope with the reality of my abusive childhood. It was my place to get away from it all. It was, literally, a breath of fresh air! There is just something so beautiful in consuming all the beauty that nature has to offer~ all the scents, all the colors, all the noises, all the insects, all the flowers. Oh so beautiful!


My moonlit morning walk was for only 15 minutes, as per the plan In 15 minutes I was able to walk 8 laps in the parking lot. I will need to measure how far that is, but it was enough for a good sweat. 

When I got to the office, the computer was unplugged. I thought that the school had unplugged the whole system, but moving a few wires made it work. I got a lot of work done today. I need to return tomorrow to see how much more I can accomplish.

I did pretty good at my diet today except that I forgot to pack a lunch and I ate some snacks that I did not plan on. Going out to eat is impossible because all the doors are locked. If I leave the building, I wont be able to get back in. Tomorrow, I will NOT forget my lunch.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Summer Heat Wave

This summer heat has made it difficult to take my moonlit walks with God. I just takes so long to get dark, and I dont want to be walking outside at 9 p.m. I woke up early this morning to go for a morning walk. It wasnt as great as walking under the moonlight, but I am happy to report that I walked a mile this morning.

When I went to work, there were no cars in the parking lot. The clerical staff is off this week. I am worried about meeting my deadline because it is already July 10 and I told the principal that my last day would be on the 13th. Tomorrow is July 11.

Without my knocking on the doors, God had one of the cleaning staff bent over an opened door. I was able to get into the building to talk to Eluid, the head custodian. They had taken ALL of my stuff out from my office to clean and wax the floor. Eluid said he will set up my computer tomorrow. That was a long drive to discover that I couldnt do any work today.

I went to Wal-Mart to get my money back for a product that they charged me twice for. I found an olive green pantsuit and a 70's babydoll blouse in a turquoise, brown, and green print. Both are in summer fabrics, but that's okay because I live in a tropical climate anyway. I just hate to think that I am going to have to iron the pantsuit, because it is linen. The pantsuit is somewhat casual because of the fabric, which is good, because I want to change my look to business casual. The top is just a fun top and brings good memories of my youth and my modeling days. What happened to that girl?! The items fit a little tight, but I left the tags on just in case. I am proud of myself for choosing something other than black.

I got the jacket and the pant in different sizes. Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12 or 14 because of her full bust, but she wore a size 8 in skirts and slacks. I think it is interesting to note that her legs were too short for her body. Makes me feel okay about my body being bigger on top and smaller on the bottom. My legs are also too short for my body. LOL If Marilyncan get away with it, I guess I can, too! But I will look better after I lose some weight.

I dont know if they are the right colors for me, but I am usually drawn to earth colors. Do they still do your colors? I think I am a cool summer. That means that I should start with Navy as a base and look for rose, lavender and blue colors. I dont fit in my navy skirtsuit, but perhaps someday, I will!

I found this site called FlyLady. (Check it out under FAVORITE SITES section in my journal.) On day one, you are supposed to shine your sink. That's all, just shine your sink. I was surprised that after I shined my sink, I washed the dishes, soaked some beans, cleaned the stove, cleaned the counter tops, cleaned the fish bowls, and cleaned Tidbit's cage (my cockatiel). I almost finished the kitchen!


I made a mistake when I decided to go through boxes, because my apartment looks like someone just moved in, and I havent been able to go through all of them. It's total chaos, boxes everywhere! But I'm ecstatic about my kitchen. You can open up any drawer or cabinet and everything looks so neat, because everything is in order. I hope I can finish it tomorrow after work.


Sunday, July 9, 2006

Stop the Obsession

"You couldnt tell where heaven stops and the earth begins. It was just beautiful, Jenny." ~ from the movie, Forrest Gump, starring Tom Hanks.

Steve Vaught, 40, began his 3,000 mile walk from his California home to Manhattan, New York, on April 10, 2005. When he started his walk, he weighed in at 410 lbs. Vaught was suffering from depression after accidentally killing two pedestrians while he was driving 15 years ago. Vaught didnt measure his food or use a pedometer to measure his steps. As of May 2006, Vaught was seen taking a short rest in New Jersey, as he continued his journey to New York at 100 lbs lighter. Steve has accomplished his goal to walk across America. He is now at his home with his family in California.

                                Image: Man finishes cross-country walk

"This is not about obsessing about numbers, or times, or dates, or miles. It's just about going on a walk and sort of having time to get things straight." ~ Steve Vaught


What an inspirational story! Is this where Forrest Gump got his inspiration to run across America? To read through Vaught's journey and see more pictures of his adventure, you can flip over to his website:

Like I have been saying, it's not about the numbers. It's about doing the work: not overeating, drinking plenty of fluids, exercising at least 15 minutes a day. I used to obsess over what to eat when my problem had nothing to do with what I was eating. My problem was that I was eating too much for my little body. My problem was about choosing to allow my problems to eat me.  

My journey of self-discovery has taught me that I must be gentler with myself. My journey has taught me that I must treat myself as well as I treat other people. My journey has taught me that I need to stop putting myself last. My journey has taught me that it is okay to put myself first.

I am a long way from reaching my ideal weight, but I have reached my life change.

It takes courage to go from SAFE to SENSATIONAL.

God, grant me the wisdom to discover the right, the will to choose it, and the strength to make it endure. ~King Arthur of Camelot

    Win =.)

Saturday, July 8, 2006



Painting: The Mirror by John W Godward


I once asked my friend why people were always envious of me, and he said: Have you looked in the mirror?

Sometimes I wonder why some people find me attractive when I have such a hard time seeing it myself.

"If only I were not so fat."

"If only I had nicer clothes."

"If only I was rich."

"If only I had a boyfriend."

"If only I had a better job."

"If only"


Let's get the IF out of L-IF-E; shall we?!#

Thursday, July 6, 2006

For Good Measure


On July 1st, my J-land friend said that she likes the 1st of every month, because the 1st is always another chance to start over or try to do better. I have associated that with January 1st or on my birthday every year, but looking at the 1st of every month as a check-in and reevaluate day is a great idea.

For me, starting over means to start with a cleansing. I purchased Cleansmart Advanced Cleansing which has an a.m. bottle to cleanse inner organs and a p.m. bottle to cleanse the colon. Because I have diverculitis, I have to have more fiber than average people, so I also use 2T of generic Metamucil before bed.

I have been seriously watching what I am eating since July 1st. I ran out of bread, tortillas, and milk and I have not replaced them. The plan so far has been not to overeat, to drink plenty of fluids, not to eat past 7:30 p.m. and to exercise at least 15 minutes a day. I am happy to report that I have been faithful to my commitment.

Looking at this guy's waistline makes me realize that my waistline is still bigger than his, but I wouldnt mind looking good enough to stand right beside him. (blush)

Yesterday, when I was looking in the mirror, I realized that my stomach does not look as big as it was in June. Because my scale died last month, I took out my tape measure. My waistline measured at 37 inches. 

This morning I measured myself first thing in the morning, and I measured at 36 inches. I dont think I lost an inch overnight. I think it was because I measured before I ate or drank anything. It is painful that I am almost as wide as I am tall, but it makes me wonder how wide my waistline was before. Last month, I was so bloated and I could barely breathe in my clothes. I hate that feeling.

Hmmm... looking for a place to hang my hat. I love Texas.






“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”  Carl Gustav Jung

News of the Day:

President George W. Bush turns 60 years old today, and he looks pretty good at 60. Even though he has a lot to do, he takes time to take care of his body. That's a good lesson for me from the President of the United States. 

Mexico has a new President. Felipe Calderon won the election by 0.6%. Wow! That's really close.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

July 4th

For those who reminded me that it is the 4th of July~ Happy 4th! It's funny how sometimes we allow holidays turn into just another day. Fifteen more days until my birthday.

I thought this Friday was my deadline at work but it isnt until next week. If I had looked at the calendar yesterday, I would have realized that I have the week off and I could have  been more constructive with my time. I REALLY must take the time to look at my calendar more often! 

When I was a little girl, I used to sit on the roof, look at the stars, and talk to God. Tonight, I will sit on the balcony and pretend it is my roof.

The Woman In The Glass Box

Saturday, July 1, 2006

A Day with the Angels

 Sleeping Beauty Pic 2Part 2?

A couple of days ago, he came into my dreams again. We were sitting side by side, talking. He respected my space and kept his hands to himself. It was if he was loving me softly through my intelect. Oh, he is too good to be true. Will my heart be able to let down its defense? Is God trying to prepare me for this? 

Whatever happened to the woman who was never afraid of anything? Being all alone in the world and working hard for a living seems so much easier than allowing my heart to open up to receive another wound. Every heart has its limit. Will he be able to love me past the pain?

*Graphic above is from Fairie Tale Theatre SLEEPING BEAUTY, starring Christopher Reeve and Bernadette Peters. 

Gardenia Yesterday was a little unusual for me, because I tried not to think about work. Although it is a long drive, I had been wanting to go to the shrine and to go to see my dad, so yesterday, I decided to drop everything and just go and do it. Little did I know that it would be a day that I would spend with the angels.

I started my day with an Egg McMuffin from McDonalds (never had one before). Taking myself out to breakfast was a treat I havent had in a long time. I need to be gentler with myself.

I went to the Dollar Tree and found a flag for my dad and a notebook small enough to carry in my purse. An old woman came up to me and put her hands over my eyes and blessed them. She said I have beautiful eyes. How did she see my eyes past my glasses? I wondered if this blessing was meant to open my eyes to things that I need to see.

They say it is good luck when an old woman gives you a blessing. When I am an old woman, I am going to give lots of blessings. At what age do you become an old woman? In 18 more days, I will have another birthday, but I am not eligible for the senior citizen discount yet, so I guess I am not an old woman yet. I will be 53.

 I went on to pay my dad a visit. I used a ribbon to tie a wreath around his tombstone, because I couldnt find any string and I stuck the flag between the wreath and the tombstone, hoping that no one will steal it. It's sad that a lot of people do that. They will take the stuff from other graves to put it on their loved ones graves. The wreath has a gold banner with the word "Father," surrounded by purple and lavender flowers. It's very pretty. I loved the way the flag waved in the wind. I would have stayed longer, but then I had this strong urgency to go to the bathroom, and there are no bathrooms at the cementary.

 There is this story of when I was a baby. My dad used to take me everywhere, but this one day, he returned with me in his arms and a shirt full of poop. My mother said that he was just smiling as if it was nothing. Defending myself, you must know that at that time, there were no pampers, only cotton diapers and plastic panties.

I found it odd that I should have this urge to go while I was visiting my dad at the cementary. I wonder if he was laughing in his grave. Well, as it turned out, I soiled my panties before I was able to get to the closest bathroom, which was at Burger King. I had to take them off so that I wouldnt soil my pants. I feel so embarrassed. I thought it would feel strange going without underwear, but it was actually quite comfortable.

Something like this has never happened to me. I wonder if it was a sign from my dad. I keep picturing him laughing about it. Carrying a plastic bag in my purse was never a thought in my mind until this happened. It is always best to be prepared. Stop laughing, Dad!

Well, I hadnt planned on it, but yes, I had lunch at Burger King. I ordered the Whopper Jr, because it was a dollar and because I was too far from home. The burger was really small and it tasted dry. It wasnt very appetizing at all. There was a big difference in the Burger King menu compared to the McDonald menu. Although people dont think McDonald is a healthy place to eat, I think there are healthier selections at McDonald's than at Burger King. I should have packed a snack.

I finally made it to the Saint Jude shrine. St Jude is the saint of impossible cases. I lighted two red candles, one for me and one for whomever my dream prince is: (1) to light his way and (2) because he is going to have a lot to deal with when he meets me.

As I was writing down the St Jude novena in my notebook, a large woman knelt down beside me and began to cry. Her hands were dripping in blood. I couldnt see where the blood was coming from, because she had her hands covering her face. I stepped over to her left to see if I could get a better view and to see if I could help, but it was at that moment that her daughter came up to her with toilet paper. She was having a nose bleed.

 She said her husband made her a widow yesterday. I asked her if he was a good husband, and she said yes. Her daughter said that she had insisted on being at the shrine on this particular day. I put my arms around her and told her that she was so blessed to have had such a wonderful husband.

God put me face to face with a widow. I do not know the pain of a widow who had a wonderful husband in her life, but I do know that I would have much rather have felt her pain, embracing the love of someone so wonderful, than to be in my place with an emptiness of a heart that has never been loved. My mother is a widow. I wonder if God was trying to tell me something by putting this woman into my life on this particular day.

 It isnt unusual for God to send me people to comfort, but what happened next was unexpected. The woman's daughter put her arms around me and gave me a hug.

I like this graphic because it says that arms are for hugging. Perhaps that is why God gave me such big arms, because He knew that there would be many people in the world whom I would need to hug.

But for this woman to hug me was so unexpected. God knows I have hugged a lot of people. Today was as if God was trying to tell me that I need hugs, too. This meeting was definitely planned by God. He brought us together to give each other comfort and hope. 


To know pure light, to feel protected, is like a hug from God.

Gardenias -- Slide 2