Monday, October 31, 2005

The Speech


As we walk through this journey called life, we come across three types of people: the ones who are neutral, the ones who leave an imprint on your heart, and the ones who put knives in your back. (gasps, mouths drop)  During the past 30 days, I have encountered all three at this center. (center manager and center supervisor looking shockingly at all the staff) To the ones who were cruel to me, I want you to know that I forgive you. To the ones who left an imprint on my heart, I want you to know that I am grateful and that I value our friendship. In the words of the Godfather, I have been offered a job offer that I cannot refuse, and they want me to start today, and so, this is goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. (clapping, smiles)

I handed my letter of resignation to the center manager and walked away.

Have you ever been nervous in your life? I am usually pretty good about speaking in front of a crowd, but this morning, my heart was pounding so hard that I could hear it and my stomach was full of butterflies. Yes, that was the beginning of my day.

Perhaps it was wrong for me to mention the knives, but I felt that I had to bring those cruel people to light at the ears of the center manager and the center manager, and besides, they needed to hear that what they did was wrong. (My daugher always says that I have a Masters in Guilt.) But the most important thing is that I had to make them see that they didnt break me.

After my little speech, I went to my new job's central office to meet my new boss. I was nervous about submitting a resignation letter without signing papers for the new job first, but I had to trust in the Lord that I was indeed hired. My new boss is an ex-priest. He left the priesthood because of personal reasons with another priest, a story pretty much like when I left Crisis Intervention because the crisis director committed suicide. 

I am very excited about my new job. It will be like a school counselor's position, except that I dont have a Master's degree. I will have the same holidays as the school kids. It's hard for me to believe that I will have three weeks off at Christmas. I dont know in which school I will be placed, but I will be in training all of this week.

With this new change in my life, maybe I will finally be able to put my life in order and get my figure back.


Win =.)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Masquerade Ball


I dont know if I will have time to add an entry tomorrow, so I am adding my Halloween entry today.

My children will tell you that the holiday they remember most from their childhood is Halloween. Halloween is my favorite holiday, because we always liked to dress up and scare the kids that came trick or treating for Halloween goodies. Halloween was my favorite time of year to chaparone at the school dance. Halloween was my favorite time of year to visit the ghetto and see how people decorated their houses. There were "stuffed people" in people's ordinary clothes sitting at picnic tables with beer cans, sitting on chairs on the porch or riding motorcycles. These houses were more fun to look at than houses that were decorated for Christmas.

I dont know if AOL is having a Masquerade Ball this year. Please forgive me for being so wrapped up in my own problems that I havent noticed what has been happening around me! Was it last year that I went to the ball dressed as Marilyn Monroe or was it in 2003?!

Anyways, I love online balls and activities, because online, you can look as skinny as you want, and at tonight's ball, I am a vision of curvacious slimness.

I arrive in a limosine that my friend Herman Monster let me borrow for the night, as Lurch puts out his white gloved hand to help me out of the limo.

Tonight, I am dressed as Medussa with snakes coming out of my headress and my hair and my makeup is flawless. I am wearing a white Grecian gown, gold sandals, and carrying a large archery bow on one shoulder and a sack full of golden arrows on my back. True to life, there is no mistake that this picture of Medussa has a beauty mark at exactly the same place as mine.

Yes, I am Medussa, but only the men who have broken my heart or the men who have the potential to break my heart will turn to stone when they look at me. This will make it easier for me to know which men are sincere and which men have a greater chance of winning my heart.

At last, our eyes meet, and he takes me into his arms to dance a waltz. In the arms of my love, I'm flying over mountains and hills and plains. One kiss and the snakes from my headress and hair disappear. The enchantment of the night transforms me into the real me, and I am shocked to see that the beautiful person within myself has broken out of the Glass Box. With a poof of smoke, I am magically dressed as a Princess,

 and then, he lifts up my face with the touch of his hand and he gently strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. He looks deeply into my eyes, and then he says, "You have and will always be a Princess to me." He lowers his hand onto the small of my back and he pulls me firmly towards him. Suddenly and without warning, the powerful white-winged Pegasus sweeps us both up, and we fly away to our magical new castle in the sky.

What a vivid imagination! If only real life could be that grand.

Thanks for stopping by,

Win =.)

My Previous Life


A life spent being overweight is a life that is only half-lived. ~ Oprah Winfrey

My mysterious reader brought herself to light through email. You still havent left a comment, but I know that you are still reading. =.)

The pictures above are the most recent pictures I have of myself. I hate taking pictures. The first one was when I weighed 190 lbs. With that big tummy, you cant tell that I have big breasts! Shocking. The second and the third pictures are when I lost weight in 2003. I went down to 146, but because of continued stress from my career, from my mother, and from people who used to read my journal who were jealous because AOL wanted to feature my journal, I have gone back up to 170. The readers made me feel that I didnt deserve the honor and so I turned down AOL. What a big mistake! Since then, it has been so hard to get motivated again. It would be good if I felt I had some support, but I feel as if I continue to live through this difficult weight-loss journey alone.

Because I am only 4'11", I have always had to watch my weight. I started gaining weight at the age of 10 when they took my tonsils on Valentine's Day. Although I was blessed with beauty, beauty brought much sadness and tragedy into my life. All the stress of physical and sexual abuse in my childhood kept me overweight, and I would add to that by hiding my body under very lose clothing, because I didnt want to look attractive. I was afraid to be beautiful, because it was beauty that made boys and men from my own family want to take me sexually. Because my father died when I was three and because my mother was never home, they knew that I was an easy target with no one to defend me, and because I was a child, I was not strong enough to fight them off. I remember hearing them talk amongst themselves, saying that because I was a child that I wouldnt remember what they had done, that children forget, but I knowfrom experience that children do not forget. Add to that an abusive mother who repeatedly tells you that you should have been born a boy, who repeatedly tells you that you are and will always be nada.

Some people in your life can be toxic and I choose to stay away from them, but staying away from your own mother is hard.

When I went to college, I started jogging around the track, and it was then that I was discovered~ again, but this time it was by the Art Department, and they asked me to model. That was my first good experience with beauty, because the pictures the students painted of me were very flattering. Because I didnt drive or have a car, I learned to walk very fast. I had to, because it was a very large campus and I lived far from campus, and I also held three jobs to pay my way through college.

Life was sweet, until I had to leave college to marry the wrong man who was but a repeat pattern of sexual and emotional abuse... and unfortunately, he became the father of my children. Fortunately, the marriage was short-lived.

Being a single parent is hard, especially when you are working full-time and return to college full-time and have to take care of a household full-time with no help from welfare or anybody, but I am proud to have been a good role model to my children and I am proud of what they have become.

Children dont make you fat, ex-husbands do.

After my divorce, I kept in shape by jogging and lifting weights, and then I discovered Disco or should I say Disco discovered me. Although I didnt go dancing often, when I did go, it was hard to keep me off the dance floor, because I had so much energy. Men would always ask me to dance, because to me, it didnt matter if they were good looking, skinny or fat. I just wanted to dance and I would dance with anybody who asked. From the time I stepped into Dr. Livingston's until the last dance, it was rare to see me be off the floor, because whenever one man got tired, another one would step in and another and another and another. Yes, I would say that was the time when I was at my fittest~ lifting weights, jogging, and dancing and working two or three jobs at the same time. There was a man who wanted for me to dance with him professionally, but I was afraid of what people would think because he is black. What stupid mistakes we make when we worry about what other people will think.

It felt good to be able to go into a store and buy something off the rack, knowing it was going to fit without even trying it on.

My health began to deteriorate after my car accident in 1980. I broke almost every bone in my body and I died and came back to life after making a bargain with God. I am now 53 years old. I did not expect to live this long, because my bargain with God was only until my children were grown and on their own, but I am still here.

Being fit and strong is wonderful, but beauty has also attracted all the wrong men into my life. 

I am the beautiful woman within the walls of glass, protecting my heart from the cruelty of the outside world. I fight for lives of others and I fight for self-improvement and wisdom, but I hide behind my work and I find other things to fill my days. I am afraid to be beautiful. I am afraid of attracting yet another wrong man into my life. 

I have lived without love all of my life. I do not know what it is like to sit on my father's lap. I do not know what it is like to have a mother who loves me. If it had not been for the birth of my second child, I would have never known what it is like to mean the world to one person.

The man of my dreams will allow me to blossom in my own light. He will not allow me to become a part of somebody else's shadow. I have lived without love all of my life. If the love of a good man should find me this late in my life, will I be able to recognize it, and most important, will I be able to surrender to it? 


Thanks for listening,

Win =.)

Friday, October 28, 2005

Options = Power


What a surprise to discover that someone who has never made herself known to me has been reading my journal on a regular basis. Please do not hide yourself by not leaving a comment for it is your comments that help to sustain me on this most difficult journey.

I havent written much in my journal this month, because my career life has been in more stress than words can say. The woman who became my boss practically called me "stupid," has put me completely on ignore by not returning my phone calls and my emails, and gets angry anytime I ask a question. I am used to being the one that people turn to when they have a question, but with this new job, I've had to try to find someone with the answers, but nobody wants to help. This past week, all of the youth counselors have been on a special project trying to clean up the paperwork mess that the previous youth counselors left. What does that mean? That means that they left me all alone at the center. If you saw the movie "Clueless," picture me as the Star of that movie since October 1st! There are so many forms and so many contracts and so many clients. And yes, because I was left alone, I have been the only one who has been seeing all of them. How can you service someone when you havent been trained and when they have left you totally clueless and there is no book or direction to help you to figure out what to do?! I have to say that for someone who doesnt know what they are doing, I think I have done a pretty good job without them...

I was just remembering yesterday about how easily jobs fell into my lap during my childhood. The people of the community knew what a great worker I was, because I began working when I was five years old. They were shocked to see such a little girl who was so responsible and dependable. What employer comes looking for a ten year old to ask them to come to work for them?! And when I was in junior high and they learned that I taught myself how to design and make clothes and when they learned that I taught myself how to type, they continued to look for me to come to work for them. Yes, during my childhood, I had many offers to choose from, but I left home as fast as I could because of problems with my mother.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how great it would be to get job offers like that again. I was thinking about how difficult my choice of career has been, primarily because of the long hours, the extensive travel and the extreme wear and tear on the many cars I have had to buy to maintain a job, but what is worse is the extreme wear and tear it has had on my body to survive my career.

Today, at almost 4:45 p.m., while on the line of duty, I received a job offer by telephone from someone I have never met. No resume, sight unseen? Hired on the spot by telephone in as little as ten minutes? He wants me to start Monday. I didnt put in a resignation letter at work, because I still am having difficulty believing that it is true. I look forward to meeting the man who would hire an unknown by telephone.

The best jobs you can get are the ones that God lays gently on your lap.

~ Win =.)

Friday, October 14, 2005

A Trimmer Waist


Today, I caught sight of my waistline waving at me, and it said, "Here I am! Here I am!"

Looks like eating more dairy does give you a trimmer waist! I still have a long ways to go, but this discovery gives me a ray of hope.

I dont want to look like a ruler. I want to look like an hourglass.

I will be true to consuming at least 3 servings of milk products daily.

marilyn12.jpg (48861 bytes)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Still Stressed

My daily consumption...

   At work, if we want to go out to lunch, we have to walk all around the buildings to get to our cars and then walk all the way around the buildings to get back in. Needless to say, this means that I must take a lunch everyday. This is my lunchbox. It was a gift from my daughters. It matches my pink retro mug.

  I have been trying to be true to consuming three servings of milk products daily.

    I found a new instant oatmeal by Quaker Oats called Weight Control. It has a banana nut flavor. It's convenient and microwavable. Ive been eating it for breakfast.

    I'm doing pretty good at eating less at night. 

- - - - - -

Love Life:

   Now I see why men wait to call us. Waiting has helped me to evaluate whether or not I want to go out with the guy at the Seafood market. I think he would make a good friend, but I cannot see myself having a permanent relationship with him. Besides, I like someone else, but I havent done anything about it.

- - - - - - - - - - -


Continued problems at work. Theyve asked for our drivers license and social security card four times already. Will we receive our paychecks on time?

The computer guy had difficulty setting up my computer, so they moved me into a tight cubicle. My closet is not very big but I would say my closet is bigger than the cubicle. Ughhh... will I be able to breathe? How do I explain it to Mr. R who had his eyes on it?! I wonder if I can convince the center manager to get the filing cabinet out of there. 

The switchboard operator requested a transfer because the center manager almost spit in her face when she asked him if she could go to the new hire meeting.

A youth counselor from another center is coming over in the morning to train me. Tomorrow, we work from 8am to 7pm. It's going to be a very long day. I hope I can survive it.

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Adventures in Seafood

I was very surprised to be approached by the guy who works in the Seafood department at Wal-Mart. I was surprised because he is the second guy from the Seafood department who has approached me! The other guy is no longer working there and I have never seen this guy before. We got to talking and he likes to go fishing in Rockport. Rockport is where I lived before I came here. He is single and he knows how to cook and he is heterosexual. Whatsmore, he doesnt care if a woman is thin or fat or if she is pretty or not, but it is important to him that a woman be able to handle a real life conversation. He said that I am the first woman who has made him laugh in a long time and he thanked me for it. He is only 36, but he sounds pretty responsible, because he is buying a house and paying on a new car. He also has a landscaping business. How can someone so responsible exist in the Valley? Is he the needle in the haystack? I promised myself that I would not date anyone under 40. Should I give him a chance?

Saturday, October 8, 2005

Ramblings of a Stressed Woman...


I have taken my eyes off my weightloss goals for over a year. It's so stupid to try to hide my beauty behind the weight, because my personality still gets me noticed whether I am thin or fat. Being fat only makes me feel more miserable. I have been so stressed at my job and in my personal life that I havent been dieting and I havent been exercising. 

Some days, I have trouble breathing in my clothes. We are required to wear pantyhose and that has been a struggle, because if I buy the Queen size to be more comfortable, they droop because they are the wrong size. Why do they make pantyhose so tight? 

It upsets me that I am not eligible for insurance. I am due to have labwork this month but I cannot afford it. I wonder how much it will cost to buy my medication without insurance. I will need to call the pharmacy.

I havent gotten on the scale, but a couple of months ago, I couldnt fit into a size 14. Today I fit into a size 12 pair of jeans and a L jacket. I am too thick around the middle. They say that adding dairy products to your diet will help to give you a trimmer waist. The only difference I have made in my diet this week is that I am trying to eat or drink a serving of dairy at every meal. My goal is to stop overeating at night and to start exercising again. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

More Changes


Things at work have not improved. Could it be some sort of omen that my name tag keeps falling off? I dont think my coworker likes me. I make her out to be some sort of snake, easy to report me to my new boss at a drop of a hat. She stuck like glue to the man who was supposed to train me and left me out in the cold. He was moved to another location and I still have not been trained. I also discovered that I will not have insurance through the new job and that it will end in December. How could it be that every day this week has been bad?

After work, I decided to try to find Ram at home. To my surprise, he was watching a Spanish soap opera. It is so funny that the only problems the women in soap operas face are problems about love. They dont worry about having a job or about finding a way to survive in this world. It's funny how love is at the bottom of my list.

It was too stressful a day to focus on weightloss. I hope tomorrow is a better day.