Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Castle

TV on the floor and surrounded by all the "leftover stuff" that has yet to find a "home," it is already Thursday and I am still sitting in all this mess. Yes, at the moment, it is very hard for me to picture my home as my castle.

Everyday, I leave to go to work and I wonder if today be the day that the landlady sends someone to do pest control or to check my apartment.  And then I wonder if "he" should knock on my door today, what would he think to find me surrounded by all this mess?! Unfortunately, my life is in the same mess as my apartment. 

I think about all those people who have no problem moving things around every week. I think about all those people who can clean a whole house in a few hours. I used to be one of those people. What has happened to me? I just dont have the energy anymore. Oh, God, I dont want to turn into my mother!

My furniture was okay the way it was arranged, but as odd as this sounds, I didnt like the way it made me feel. Does furniture arrangement really change your life?! I know that when I had the desk in the bedroom, I had my goals up where I could look at them every day, and even though it was very crowded, I was much more organized. When I moved the desk into the living room, everything changed. I found myself spending too much time in front of the TV. I found myself feeling so tired, that sometimes, I would fall asleep watching TV, and that is something that I have never done before. 

And so, even though it is already Thursday, I am still working on this room, moving things around one day at a time. When I moved the desk and the bookcase, I thought, what are you thinking?! This is so much work and the floor is not level, but as I sat behind the desk, I fell in love with all of the space behind me. Someway, somehow, I have to try to make this work.

Although I wanted the sofa to face the window, it just didnt work to have it that way, and so I moved that big piece of furniture again and again and again. Each and every time, I sat at the sofa and judged at how the placement made me feel. After several tries, I finally found a place for it, but will it work and will this be the best use of space? And so, as stupid a goal this might seem to someone else, I continue to take this goal one day at a time. 

I wish I had better furniture. I wish I had more space to work with. I wish I had my own home instead of having to rent an apartment, but my reality is that I need to work with what I have and I need to find what works for me.

Setting goals for myself gives me something to strive for. Little successes build on my self-esteem. Little successes motivate me to try for even greater things. This is not just about rearranging my furniture. This is about simplifying my life and that will help to make my life a little easier.


Unfortunately, once again, my need for survival has taken over my life. I hate when that happens, because it sets everything else on the back burner. How long have I put love on the back burner?! That one has jumped onto a completely different stove! For now, my biggest priority is my job. Because we have become computerizedat work, I have to enter everything from September until now by Spring Break. Needless to say, I am very stressed, and I have a pimple on my forehead to prove it.

Being overweight is not about food. Being overweight only covers up my suffering. Although I have been through hell and back more times than I can remember, I have survived more things than most people can handle, and it was those hard times that made me the strong woman that I am today. 

I am capable of reaching my goals. I am capable of being victorious. I am capable of accomplishing great things. Losing weight is within my reach.   

Win will win. =.)

Sunday, February 19, 2006


Rearranging your life can be as difficult as trying to rearrange furniture within the space of a small apartment! 

Oh my God! Am I hearing voices? Is this what Monica hears when she sees a room that needs help? Oh, if only I could borrow a little of her obsessive compulsive cleaning behaviors for at least once a week, once a month or once a year! Good gosh! They've been giving too many Friends reruns....

No, my furniture would not be able to fit my apartment as cleverly as the graphic above. I wish it did... but this graphic has no TV or desk, either. My sofa is huge, because it curves around like a sectional, which limits where I can put it. I will probably need to move the furniture back... But I am not going to move it back today!

Why did the voices tell me that I need to keep the desk in the living room instead of trying to overcrowd the bedroom with it?! It would have been so much easier to just take the desk back into the bedroom. Keeping the desk in the living room means everything else has to be moved.

Unlike what we see on TV, this is not a fun project for someone who has to work a room alone. Taking a risk to change something in your life is scary. Sometimes the results are worth the risk, but sometimes it is just easier to keep things just as they are.

Ruffling my feathers in my nest, knowing this little space also limits the size of man that I can bring into my nest! Dang!

Win =.)

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A Courageous Decision


        Whenever I think of ice skating, I think of Michelle Kwan. Michelle won her first world title in 1996 at the age of 15. She has been the face of figure skating for the past ten years. 

  Michelle Kwan has been a great leader who has inspired us all with her elegance and grace on the ice. Her career has become an astounding story towards accomplishing her goal, her dream to win a gold metal at the Olympics, and I had no doubt in my mind that she would make it.

         Click to enlarge

When I first heard of her groin injury this year, I was so afraid that her injury would prevent her from competing at the Olympics, but she didnt give up. She kept trying and she made it on the team. Unfortunately, this second injury has forced her to make the courageous decision to step aside.

"I wish I was here in better circumstances," Michelle Kwan said Sunday morning, her voice flat and her eyes puffy. "It's physical pain that is keeping me from competing, but it is also emotional, because it is a tough decision. The Olympics is strength, courage, and passion, but that's not enough to be an athlete. Physically, I am not able to be at my best... I respect the Olympics too much to compete and I don't feel I can be at my best."     

I can only imagine how devastated she must be, especially since she was so close to turning her dream into a reality. It is said that because at age 25, she is already too old for this sport, that it is unlikely that she will return to the Olympics next year. 

Michelle, if you should come across this journal entry, do not allow this setback to keep you from your dream.  Please come back to us. 

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Guitarra de Lolo

   Arthur Wardle: 'The Enchantress'

             Painting: The Enchantress (1901) by Arthur Wardle (1864-1949)
Don by Miranda

Quiero Saber Qué Me Pasa.
Te Pregunto Qué Me Pasa Y No Sabés
Qué Contestarme Porque , Claro, De Seguro Te Mareé.
Con Mis Idas Y Vueltas, Te Cansé Con Mi Cámara Lenta.
Y Aunque Trato, Nunca Puedo Apurar Mi Decisión.

En El Preciso Momento
En Que Todo Va Cambiando Para Mí,
En Ese Instante Te Aseguro Que Alguna Señal Te Di.

Pero No Me Escuchaste,
Tal Vez Sin Intención De Tu Parte.
Puede Ser Un Poco Débil El Sonido De Mi Voz.

Oh, Una Mañana Te Veré Llegar,
Y Te Pediré Que Me Acompañes.
A Dónde En Verdad No Sé, Dime Que Sí, Miénteme.
Podría Ser Que Al Final Rompiste El Cristal En Mí.
Podría Pasar Que Me Hagas Hablar.
Yo Creo Que Tienes El Don De Curar Este Mal.

Siento Que Debo Encontrarte
Y Sin Embargo Pasa El Tiempo Yéndome.
Pasé A Mí Mismo, A Mi Centro, Que Jamás Entenderé.

Yo Quisiera Tenerte Y Tratarte De Modo Decente,
Pero Ves Que Ya No Puedo Despegar De Mi Papel.
Deberé Tranquilizarme Y Jugar
Al Juego Que Me Proponés.
Bajo La Guardia, Te Recibo Y Me Abrigo De Tu Piel.
El Destino Me Ha Dado Corazones Desequilibrados,
Tu Palabra Me Nivela Y Detiene Mi Caer.

Oh, Una Mañana Te Veré Llegar,
Y Te Pediré Que Me Acompañes.
A Dónde En Verdad No Sé, Dime Que Sí, Miénteme.
Podría Ser Que Al Final Rompiste El Cristal En Mí.
Podría Pasar Que Me Hagas Hablar.
Yo Creo Que Tienes El Don De Curar Este Mal.
(es Un Solo… Es La Guitarra De Lolo!)
Podría Ser Que Al Final Rompiste El Cristal En Mí.
Abriste Mi Piel, Que Estaba Tan Mal.
Quebraste El Silencio Que Me Hizo Alejar.
Quizás Eres Tú Quien Me Hará Regresar.
Intuyo Que Sabes La Forma Mejor,
Y Tienes El Don Que Requiere Curar Este Mal

I dont get very excited about writing in my journal these days. AOL continues to be so slow and time consuming. I hate those ads in my journal, too, but it looks as if AOL has no intention of getting rid of them. It's a sad, sad thing to think of how little we mean to AOL.

Things at work are still stressful. So much paperwork. The latest word is that they intend to become computerized, so they can see what we are doing at all times. We should be getting training for it on the 13th & 14th. I have no idea why they scheduled trainings on Valentine's day, but then, I dont have a Valentine, so I guess I might as well be at training. Sighhh...

He once told me that I dont have a boyfriend, because I dont want one. I think he thinks that he is too old for me. Everytime he sees me, he takes off his hat and shows me his salt and pepper hair. I think that salt and pepper hair is sexy, but he doesnt need to know that I am two years older than him!

When I was pumping gas today, I noticed what definitely had to be a baby boomer. It's funny how we sometimes get stuck in an era that we stick out like a sore thumb. If I looked for someone my own age, is that all that I would have to choose from? If I wait until I am older, will they look even worse? And once you get past the way the look, they can only talk about beer and partying. Are there any men out there who can hold a good conversation? Are there any men out there who have been taught how to be a gentleman? I am no spring chicken, but where do men get their ideas about the way they behave and the way they dress?! If I turned off the light would they be more attractive or is the trick to fantasize and revive that image in my head of my beloved Richard Gere as Edward Lewis?


My need for survival continues to take over my life. I am so overwhelmed by everything that I need to do. My body is so tired and over-worked and it is in constant pain, but I need the help of my body to accomplish all the things that I need to do. Lord, you know that I am trying. Please heal my body and give me the strength, energy, and self-discipline I need to put my life in order and to accomplish my goals.

Abba, please allow my life to be more than just mere survival. I have wasted so much of my time and so much of my life just playing the game that my childhood dreams are so faded now that it is hard to remember what they were.

Abba, please allow my life to be more than just mere survival. Bless those people who are dear to me and send me people who can be helpful in my quest. Open my heart to allow love into my life and help me to make better choices and decisions. Help me to find my way and lead my life in a better and greater direction.

Yes, stop the struggle, Lord. Walk beside me in my everyday life. Allow things to go smoothly. Block my enemies from my path and block their unkind words that make me feel inadequate. Help me to accomplish the little things of everyday life so that I can focus on more important things.

Help me to lead by example. Help me to inspire and to be inspired. Help me to see the greatness of Your works and help me to do great things in Your name. 

Your humble servant,

Win =.)