Sunday, April 29, 2007

Powerful Entry Pays Off?


What a powerful entry I wrote yesterday! Was that what I needed to get inspired? Even my horoscope told me that I need to take better care of myself! OMGG, is God trying to tell me something or what?!

I woke up this morning thinking about my health. I drank a glass of water and reached for my Texas A&M sweatshirt. What was it doing there within my reach?! It was too easy to find a pair of sweatpants, too. Imagine that! The socks were a different matter. I found two walking socks but one was grey and the other was pink. Oh, well, at 5:30 in the morning, who is going to notice my feet?! And then my old tennis shoes were also too easy to find. I said it once, but I will say it again: Is God trying to tell me something?! I glanced at my big belly in the mirror and hoped the fashion police was not out on the prowl, because they surely would have given me a ticket for looking the way I did, but there really isn't much I can do with what my body looks like underneath my clothes. Oh, well...

I grabbed my keys and locked the door behind me. Normally at 5:30 a.m., I would be getting dressed to go to 6:30 a.m. mass, but today, I don't think God wanted me to go to church. I think He was too busy pushing me out the front door.

I usually use my keys to measure the laps. The problem is that I measure one lap as coming and going. That can get confusing, because sometimes, I forget to push the next key over, so today, I measured one key per lap. I did six laps this morning, which actually measures as three, except that I took the long way for the last lap, because I stopped to check my mail. It has been so long since I walked in the parking lot that I do not remember the measurements. I will have to drive from one side to the other and re-measure the distance. I'm pretty sure it was more than a mile, so that was pretty good for the first day. LOL @ first day, as if there will be more days like this...

It wasnt the moonlit walk that I love, but there was nobody in sight, which is a good thing. One of the neighbors came out to water the potted plants in her garden with her watering can. My body was kind of sore from lack of exercise. That's understandable. As I was walking, I could feel the pain in my calves from that pinched nerve that I have not been able to free myself from and there was pain on the soles of my feet. My shoes are too old.

I made a list of things that I needed, got dressed, and went to Wal-Mart... Yet another hard decision on what to wear to look halfway decent in this overweight body!!! I have so many clothes in my closet that do not fit...

First stop was to gas up. It hurts to have to put $30.00 worth of gas into my car, only to have my eyes come out of their socket from disbelief when I notice that my gas tank is only 3/4 full!!! Ughhhhhhh...

I had three main things on my list: a Brita pitcher, a new bra, and a pair of athletic shoes, and of course, groceries.

I don't know what happened to my Brita pitcher. I used to have one. Maybe I gave it away to charity. I have no idea. Anyways, it turns out that Wal-Mart has discontinued the product, so I will have to look elsewhere for it.

The wire from my bra came out when we were doing the TAKS exams, so I had to look for a new bra. It was really hard to find a bra with some good support. All of the playtex bras were either for women with little breasts or they were made like turtlenecks. God put some tempting purchases in the bra section: matching bras and panties. They reminded me of my last adventure when I felt that "he" was coming. I was busy buying pretty sets for "his arrival," but not this time. He didn't turn out to be the one anyway. No, I will wait until I lose a few pounds first... I did buy the pink panty, just because it was too pretty to resist, but I put the sets back and settled for a black lace bra by Hanes.

I found a pair of red, gray and white running shoes called Diva... OK, I got them for the name, but they also look very different from your typical running shoe, so they scream style, too. I was looking for a walking shoe, but I didnt want those plain white monster shoes. Besides, they were the only pair in my size. God and his sense of humor!! LOL Well, at least He made the decision easy for me. It would have been good if He had also found me a pretty jogging outfit, but all the stuff on the floor was made for women with skinny bodies.

Then, I went over to the Slim Fast section and picked up a six-pack of Optima Cappaccino. It is supposed to calm your appetite for 4 hours. I wasnt planning on buying any diet pills, but something whispered to me to try the pm pills. I was going to try Relacore PM but I found a box of Accelis that was cheaper and they are night diet pills, too. It is clear to me that the daytime diet pills do not work for me (probably because of my thyroid problem). I hope this product will work. It sounds easy enough to just take them before bed. Will let you know if they work!

Next stop: groceries. I have two gallons of milk in my fridge that have gone bad, so I decided to pick up some vanilla soymilk instead. It is more expensive, but it lasts longer than regular milk. I wonder how many protein shakes I can make with it. Besides, I think milk bloats me up. I got some light yogurt but only five made it home, because one of them was lopsided so I gave it back to the clerk. I looked at all the breads and after all the searching and reading, I ended up with a loaf of Roman Meal bread, because I do not like the taste of other whole wheat breads (which is a waste of money if you do not like the taste), and I had to get the Jewish rye just because I love it. I didnt get any lunch meat to go into it, though. I will have to get creative, but in the meantime, the bread goes into my freezer anyway. Looking at the frozen meals was another dilemna. I prefer home cooked meals, but I have to think portion size and convenience (for work). I finally settled on one Lean Cuisine meal and three Healthy Choice meals. The Weight Watchers Smart Ones were the same price, but the Healthy Choice had entry, veggies, and a desert, and about the same calories or less. They seemed like the most complete meals for the same price as the Smart Ones. I also picked up some salad fixings, fruit, a couple of canisters of sugar free powdered drink, and some crab meat. It doesnt look as if I bought enough for the week, but I hope it will be enough to calm my wicked, wicked appetite!

I made these tags myself. I know my psp experience is very limited, but I think they are great, and they suit my purpose. Who cares what anybody else thinks; right?! LOL...

Anyways, I have been thinking about yesterday's entry, and although being married is good for some, I have concluded that I do not want to be a housewife. It sounds like too much work and it sounds too routine. I think I need a bit more fantasy, something more passionate, more exciting...  A boyfriend who's crazy about me will do just fine...

World's Shortest Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a girl asked a boy: Will you marry me? The guy said: No. And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping and drank margaritas with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Behind the Smile


Sweet Norma Jeane, always smiling, always hiding her sadness behind the mask of Marilyn Monroe...

It seems impossible that such a beautiful woman could be so unhappy in her private life. It doesn't seem possible that the image the world had of her never allowed the public to see the intelligent woman that she was, the woman who loved to read and write poems.

Marilyn's career took off so quickly that she never took the time to work on her problems until the latter years of her life. Perhaps if she had started earlier, she would have had more of a chance, and she would have been stronger for it. Many people think she committed suicide, but I think she was murdered because she knew too much.

When I was a child, I wanted to be an artist, but the world took me in the opposite direction... I remember working in an office during the day, but at night, I was a volunteer for an organization called "Crisis Intervention." Counseling came very natural to me, and I was very good at it. Many people think that counseling is about giving advice, but if you are giving someone advice, you are not counseling. You are giving advice, and you cannot do that in counseling. It became very clear to me that I had found my life's calling, but it was also the beginning of my journey of self-discovery, a kind of self-therapy and knowledge that helped me to work through so much anger and pain from my childhood of abuse, sexual abuse, and abandonment. 

I have been very fortunate to have lived my life alone, because life has taught me many hard and difficult lessons that I probably never would have learned otherwise. 

Like Marilyn, I pour myself into my work to compensate for the love that I have never had from my mother or from a man. I have had many jobs since those days at "Crisis Intervention." I thank my grandfather for teaching me the power of work, for it is my work that sustains me, no matter how difficult or stressful. I thank God for my work and for the many people who have come into my life with a cry for help for their problems. Helping others has always helped me to take my worries off of myself.

But living in the Valley has been like rolling off a cliff. Yes, I feel that I am making a difference where God has planted me, but my heart cries to return to Corpus Christi where I can be closer to my children and far away from the criticism of a mother who will never love me or accept me... and my body cries to be healthy and fit. 

Being beautiful can be just as lonely and just as painful as being ugly and fat. ~ Winivere

Like Marilyn, I have had men in my life who were too busy trying to pull at my clothes instead of getting to know the real me. Unfortunately, my bad experiences with men began when I was only five years old.

When I was at the meeting on Friday, Desiree was drawing little hearts. "You're in love," I said. She nodded. "What's it like?" I asked. She just looked at me and laughed, and of course, I kept my secret silent.

I know I am capable of loving deeply, but what is it like to have somebody love you back? What is it like to have your mother love and accept you? I am glad that I chose to have a real mother-daughter relationship with the daughter that I raised. I have never been jealous of what other people have, but I have often wondered why I have never been given an opportunity to experience it. 

I know that for the past ten years, no man has sparked my interest. I know that for the past three to four years, I have been hiding behind the fat, because I am afraid to be re-discovered...

I think it is funny that people assume that just because you have had children that you know what love is all about. Having the love of a child is beautiful, but knowing in your heart that the child was conceived without love hurts. It is sad that when you experience sex, love is not always an automatic attachment.

Because of what I have learned from my career in helping others, I know that I am equipped with the tools to lose the weight, but sometimes it is easier to allow obesity to guard your heart from the slim self that could attract yet another person who will break the heart you have tried so hard to mend and re-mend. How many times can you re-mend a heart that has already been shattered to pieces more times than you can remember?!

Losing weight is like yet another project that I have to do, and I already have so much on my plate. That pun on words is obviously no accident. =.) My body is ready for renewal, but even though it has been ten years since I left my ex-husband, my heart is not ready...

My body cries to be healthy and fit and I know that it is a big part of my recovery. It is sad that coming to the Valley and living an hour away from my mother has caused me to take a giant step backwards. It is sad that living in the Valley has caused me to put myself on the back burner... As long as I live in the Valley, there continues to be a sadness behind my smile and my laughter that I do not allow the world to see. Like Norma Jeane, my sadness is hiding behind the smile.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Another Quickie?!

I went in to work this morning, but I didn't stay. I was feeling so sick, that I decided to go ahead and see the doctor. She scolded me for not taking better care of myself, especially my thyroid.

"Your thyroid controls everything, she said. Everything is out of whack. Your blood pressure is up. Your cholesterol is up. You are a time bomb waiting to happen. You are heading straight to a stroke."

I don't know if she was trying to scare me into making better choices in my diet, but I didn't blink an eye at her words. It surprised me that my cholesterol was up because it has always been low. About my blood pressure, well, I can feel that, especially with all the stress I am going through right now. The headaches have been really bad. 

She asked me what I do for a living. For some reason, people always assume that women have someone to take care of them so they do not have to work. I think that is funny that women would rather be dependant on someone else instead of standing on their own two feet. I guess that is because in this area, women would rather be dominated by a macho man than lift a hand to work. I know I would rather work than to be dominated by a man like that.

It took me almost two hours at the pharmacy to get my medication, and the doctor gave me the wrong prescription for my thyroid. Now that's funny. She didn't even bother to ensure that she had the right dosage. So going to the doctor and getting my medications took all day. When I came home, I took the meds and slept.

I hadn't finished the Student Recognition certificates, so I sat down this evening to cut them out one by one. It is so much work to get them done, especially now that I have 103 students, but I finished them. I just need to add a date.

The week went by so fast and I havent had an opportunity to work on the paperwork. I submitted the ROPES proposal to the principal this morning. I hope she will say yes.

  Win =.)


Sunday, April 22, 2007

Thank Heavens for Little Girls


This is a 
picture of Baby Mira and her big sister, Lexi.  Miss Lexi is still a toddler, but I am very surprised that she  doesn't look like a baby anymore. 


I went in to work yesterday, but it doesn't feel as if I have put a dent in my work. There is still so much to do. It is hard not to feel overwhelmed.

My boss says that they will be selecting folders of the kids who did the surveys. That means that I have to get all of those folders up to date. That is going to be hard, because there are about 60 folders that I need to catch up on. I wish I could remember all of the names of the kids that were asked to do the survey. Unfortunately, I lost the paper that had the names of the kids on it. I still need to follow through with my groups, and I have a lot of new groups to start this week, but after work, I will need to focus on bringing those sixty folders up to date. I doubt if I will finish, but I pray that I find that list so I can work on them. 

Other projects I am working on are a proposal to the principal to see if she will allow me to do ROPES with the kids, a letter to take with me to recruit companies who might want to help me to donate prizes for thekids for the end of the school year, and the student recognition awards, of course. Everything is half started, but nothing is completed. I hope the principal will not turn me down for the ROPES.

I hope everyone took some time today to celebrate Earth Day.  Here are some helpful tips and activites you might consider for Earth Day...

1. Take time to be one with nature.
2. Visit a park or sit in the garden.
Ride your bike.
4. Have a picnic outside.
5. Take a nature walk.
6. Go camping in the woods.
7. Watch the sunrise.
8. Watch the sunset.
9. Smell a flower.
10. Hug a tree.
11. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds as they separate and take form.
12. Observe the birds.
13. Plant a tree.
14. Start a garden.
15. Dance barefoot in the grass.
16. Listen to the sounds of the ocean from a shell.
17. Write a poem or a song about the earth.
18. Paint or draw a landscape or a flower.
19. Create an art sculpture from nature's offerings, such as moss, berries, feathers, twigs, rocks, shells, and leaves.
20. Collect newspapers in a paper grocery bag. Recycle when full.
21. Recycle aluminum cans.
22. Help to clean up your community.
23. Think green when shopping at the supermarket for healthier food choices for yourself and your family.
24. Try a natural cleaner.
25. Switch to florescent light bulbs.
26. Turn off the water when you brush your teeth.
27. Usea water-filter pitcher instead of buying bottled water.
28. Remove yourself from junk mail lists.
29. Install a better showerhead.
30. Turn up your thermostat when your home is empty.
31. Take time to be thankful for all the Earth does for us.
Find your own way to contribute to the healing of the Earth.  

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

GlassBox Quickie

A sweet friend brought it to my attention that I am missed. =.) I apologize for taking so long to add an entry... This will be a quickie...

My grandbaby Mira was born on April 12th.

This weekend, I had to go to Corpus Christi, because I was called in for an interview on Monday. I am still having mixed feelings about it... Will leave it in God's hands.

This week, I am helping out with the TAKS testing. It is the test that the kids prepare for all year. It has been hard for me, because I have not been able to work on my own stuff, so I have been staying after work and that means working late again... Hope I don't get burned out. I have already lost three days this week and we have a meeting on Friday, so that means that I will be losing four.

It is almost time for me to present the Student Recognition Awards for my program. They are not necessary, but I find that it helps the kids to do better for me. I have 103 kids so far. I am at a standstill because one of the teachers has not put in her grades. I tried to get her to put them in but she seems to be stubborn about it. Looks as if their time to put them in has been extended until the end of this week. If she doesnt put them in, I will either have to wait or not give awards to the kids who do not have grades. Why are women like that?!

Thanks so much for caring!

"Friends are God's way of apologizing for family!!!"


Win =.)

Friday, April 6, 2007

Good Friday


This painting is called "The Two Crowns." If you look closely, one King rides in Glory, while the other King is being Crucified. 

On Good Friday, Jesus gave up His life for us. He was only 33 years old. On Good Friday, I died in 1980. I was 26 years old. On Good Friday, Selena Quintanilla was murdered in 1995. She was only 23 years old.

I always remember Good Friday as a day of darkness and betrayal, a day without the sun. It is as if the heavens themselves bend down their knee in their deepest sorrow...  The day Jesus died was said to be a day of darkness. Jesus was betrayed with a kiss by Judas. The day Selena was murdered was a day of darkness. Selena was betrayed by her fan club president. The day I died was also day of darkness... a day that my mother believes I was betrayed by my ex-mother-in-law through the power of witchcraft, which by the way, did not prevail, because I am still alive and she is not. 

The year was 1980. I was on my way to work. I had just dropped off my oldest at the day care and I was on my way to Doddridge and Alameda to drop off the baby at the nursery. All of a sudden, I was hit by a truck. My car was smashed completely in from the driver's side to the passenger's side. I have no idea how they got me out of that tiny car.

When I came to, I was in an ambulance. A handsome young man with blond hair was squirting water into my mouth. I smiled in gratitude and closed my eyes. When I came to the second time, the nurses were busy cutting off my clothes. I was upset that they were cutting up my favorite sweater, but I could not talk. Why couldn't I talk? I felt so weak. My motherly instincts motioned for my baby. She was in the arms of the nursery staff. She had lost her shoe, but she was okay. I motioned them for my purse for phone numbers, and my older daughter. Even though I couldn't talk, I was able to get things taken care of in a matter of minutes. I closed my eyes in relief. 

When I came to the third time, I was being flipped over in all directions on an X-Ray table. I opened my eyes, smiled at the X-Ray technician, and closed my eyes. 

When I was on the operating table. I could hear them talking. They did not expect me to live, and if I survived, they said that I would never walk again, that I would have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. And then, it happened...

My soul was floating above my body. I witnessed the doctors below as if I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy, where all the surgeons were rushing to save a life. There was the magnificent white light that people talk about, as if it was ready to envelope me into all it's splendar. 

My body was a series of broken bones. They took four teeth out to put my mouth back together, and wired my teeth shut so that they wouldn't fall out. My face was as big and wide as my shoulders from the trauma of hitting the steering wheel. My hair was full of glass from the windshield. And I was wearing a body brace underneath my clothes. 

I was a mess, and yet, on my last breath, I pleaded with God to allow me to live... I didn't want my ex-husband to take the girls, and I couldn't bear the cruelty of allowing them to be raised by my mother. I needed time to take care of my girls until they were grown and educated and could take care of themselves, but it was clearly something that I did not want to do from the seat of a wheelchair.

Somehow, I was able to convince God to give me a second opportunity.  I went into a coma after that, and I do not know for how long I was out. I suppose it was my body's way of healing itself. When I came to, recooperating was not an easy task, especially since I had no one to help me, and once again, I was without a car. But I was determined to walk again. I was determined to make a living for my girls. I was determined... 

I thank God for making me a smart woman, and  I thank God for my savings. I might have had trouble standing on my own two feet physically, but mentally, I was standing on solid ground.

It was by the Grace of God that I was able to get on that bus to go back and forth to my appointments. No workman's comp. No income coming in. I had to go back to work, no matter what condition my body was in.

Unfortunately, I lost my job,because the doctors would not release me to go back to work, so body brace underneath my clothes for at least a year and my teeth wired shut, I got on that bus and went to look for another job.  Fortunately, I was able to land a ten-hour work job at six days a week, and by the time the job ended, I was able to afford to buy another  used car so I could continue to support my children.

The power of the mind is stronger than you think. If you think you are defeated, you are. If you have the slightest ray of hope that you will make it, you stand a greater chance of making it, no matter how big the obstacles. Yes, there have been many hard days in my life, but whenever I feel overwhelmed by the everyday hardships of my life, I look back at Good Friday... that magnificent day when I died and lived to tell about it... If you can beat those kinds of odds, you can get through anything.





Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Easter Eggs


Winning With Win
Weekly Tips/Hints      
Today's Helpful Tips:
Prepare the eggs

Place eggs in a saucepan. Fill pan with water to cover 2" above the eggs. Do not cook eggs too fast. Bring to a slow boil for about 10 to 15 minutes. Take off stove. Let eggs sit in the hot water for another 5 to 10 minutes. 

Prepare The Dye


**Food Coloring in three basic colors: Red,Yellow,& Blue

Fill small glass containers or cups with boiling water. Add 1 Tbsp vinegar and a few drops food coloring. The more drops of food coloring you use, the darker the color.  You only need 3 colors of food coloring.  With these colors you can make a huge spectrum of different shades of colors. Equal drops of red and yellow make orange, blue and yellow make green, and red and blue make purple. Changing the quantity of drops can make different colors like teal, turquoise, magenta, violet, brick red, etc. You will need a different spoon for each color so the colors will remain true.

Using Crayons

Before you put the eggs into the dye, you can draw on the eggs with a crayon. Using warm eggs makes it easier to color or write on with the crayons. As this slightly melts the wax crayon and to make smoother drawings. If you use different colors of crayons, the colors will show through with the dyeing process when you add the egg to the dye mixtures.

Rubber Bands

You can use rubber bands around the eggs to make different banding colors. This process starts out with a plain white egg with rubber bands. Dip the egg in a primary color like yellow, then after the egg dries remove the rubber bands and place egg in red. This will give you an orange egg with red bands. Try it with different color combinations. You can also start with a colored egg like yellow, let it dry and place the rubber bands on the egg and then dip in red. This will give an orange colored egg with yellow bandings. Use different sized rubber bands to make various sized bandings.

Using Candle Wax

Take a piece of white wax from a candle and try to gently sharpen the tip with a knife so you can write with it like a crayon. Use the tip to make eggs look like watermelons, to make intricately beautiful designs or  to write names on the eggs.  Dip the eggs in the food coloring mixture and watch your secret writings and delicate art appear on the egg. 

Marbled Easter Eggs

To make marbled colored Easter eggs you need to add about a tablespoon of oil in your dye mixture. Make sure your dye mixture has plenty of food coloring. The darker color makes better marbling. Make sure to have at least several inches of coloring mixture and oil to marble your eggs. Use a fork to swirl the oil and coloring. You can use a plain white egg or a previously colored one, place it in the mixture and roll around. Remove and let dry. These eggs take a little longer than normal to dry.

Drying Your Easter Eggs

The best way to dry your eggs are in the carton they came from, before using it while you are preparing the eggs poke small holes in each compartment. This will help drain the dipping from the drying egg. Don't forget to place something under the egg carton so you won't get the egg dye everywhere. The egg carton can leave the unwanted marks on the sides of the eggs sometimes. Try this tip. Cut toilet paper or paper towel rolls down to make little egg holders. These can also be decorated and used to set your eggs around the house for decoration. Similar apparatuses come with the egg decorating kits.

Drying eggs takes about 15 minutes. Eggs should be left to dry before doing different steps on them.

I tried to add a background to this entry, but it didn't work. I will try again when I make another entry.

I have been sick since August. I have been feeling so bad that I didn't go in to work yesterday. I went to the doctor instead and discovered that I have Bronchitis. The X-Ray showed it all. My lungs are all full of stuff. It is really bad. I could barely breathe, so the doctor put me on a breathing machine which helped a lot. She had the nursegive me two injections, and she prescribed four medications. Nonetheless, I went to work today. I have to work so I can get paid so I can pay my bills. I hope I can hold on for the next two days, because I will be off on Good Friday.

I continue to be very behind in my work, especially because my health has kept me from working late and going to work on Saturdays. I have been feeling so weak. Although I close my eyes, I am not getting a good night's rest. I am so worried about being so behind in my work, especially since I do not have much time to complete it.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Win =.)