Saturday, September 30, 2006

Are You a Teacher?


Teacher's Prayer
I wanted to teach my students how to live this life on earth.
To face its struggles and its strife and to improve their worth.
Not just the lesson in a book or how the rivers flow,
But how to choose the proper path wherever they may go.
To understand eternal truth and know the right from wrong
And gather all the beauty of a flower and a song.
For if I helped the world to grow in wisdom and in grace
Then I feel that I have won and I have filled my place.
And so I asked your guidance, God that I have done my part
For character and confidence and happiness of heart.

-James Metcalf

It seems that ever since I was born, people have always asked me:

                               Are you a teacher?

When I was sitting down at lunch with some of my colleagues, they asked me: Dont you want to be a teacher? They didnt mention the rewards of working with kids. They mentioned the money and the time off. For me, money has never been a motivator, no matter how much money is involved. Perhaps that is why I get paid so little?!

I cannot begin to tell you the many times I have tried to block that prediction of being a teacher from coming true, although working in a school setting now, I have come to realize that all this talk about how little teachers make is a bunch of bologna. Teachers make approximately $50,000 a year and they get summers off and they still complain that they dont get paid enough. What a crock! I'm sorry but that is a lot of money. 

I know I have a degree and I am not paid what I am worth. I know I have taught many people many things, but I dont know if what I am is the same definition as what you might think a teacher is. If it is anything like the poem above, then, yes, I am a teacher, but if it is a person who teaches math all day or english all day, I dont think that is what I want to be. I am a case worker. I am a counselor. I suppose there is some truth in that a case worker and a counselor can be thought of as a kind of teacher. 

pinup.studying You look like a teacher, they tell me. What does a teacher look like anyway? Dorky? Smart? Do I look like someone who would make you do it over if you didnt do it right the first time?! Teachers clearly have no sense of style! Least not at the two schools I have worked at. But if they mean I look smart~ well, then say what you mean! I look smart!

My work in investigations, with the mentally ill, and as a jail counselor meant working 24/7 with no holidays or time off for myself. Try over 20 years of that. The body eventually gets tired, especially with the physical problems that I have had after my car accident and the two recent falls that I have had since I moved to the Valley. There is that word again... the Valley. The Valley has literally put me in a valley. I feel like a fish out of water.

The switch in jobs took much thought. Do what you love and allow your body to get even more run down (especially since you are over 50) or switch to something that will not require you to work 24/7 or to go through five cars every eight years and give you the opportunity to have a life. Humm... What I didnt plan on was how different life would be without all that rush and excitement. 

Living an ordinary life has been very hard on me. How do people do it? How can they go on day after day with no excitement in their lives? No wonder they panic when something happens to them.

Some may say that I am a teacher, because I provide them with skills that they can use for life.

Yes, although I have lived most of my life alone, I have lead a very full life and there was much excitement in it. My life has left me with many stories to tell and many juicy ones that still put a smile on my face when I think about them.

I do not know where this life change will take me. Will living an ordinary life be enough for me? 

apple It only makes sense that I have to eat to put some excitement into my mouth! Some weeks I crave different things. This week I cannot begin to count the many times that I craved chocolate, and I still havent satisfied that craving. Is it any wonder that I cant stick to a diet since "The Valley~ Land of No Excitement"?!!

Like Mr. Holland of Mr. Holland's Opus, I keep trying to write my Opus, but I pray that like Mr. Holland, the compass of my life will change what I perceive as ordinary and turn it into an Opus that will make my heart sing.


Sunday, September 24, 2006

Raindrops On My Windowpane

  Summer Is GONE!!!

but Fall is HERE!!!      

How do you dress a chubby girl?!!!!! How did this chubby girl manage to look sexy?!! Anybody out there got any idea about how to hide those rolls and bulges?! I wonder what she looks like sideways....


Autumn has brought us a lot of rain. The raindrops keep tapping against the Glass Box. The loud thunder sounds as if God is having a hard time trying to decide how he is going to rearrange his furniture. Could it be that he is trying to make room for me in heaven?! Fortunately, I still have electricity.

Dealing with stress continues to be my fiercest obstacle. Missing five days of work within a two week period because of my recent fall, I had to push hard to meet my quota for the month and to complete my October calendar, but somehow, I managed, although I am not completelyhappy with the topics I have chosen to start the new year. I may have to change them. 

I continue to hurt from my bad fall, but like all good single women, my life as a single person must go on. Missing days from work means my paycheck may be less, because a new year of work means you have to accumulate the hours, and the year has only just begun. Sighhh...

I am excited that the principal approved the peer pressure skit that I had planned for Red Ribbon Week. I want my kids to stand out as doing something positive for the school. I hope I can get them to do the skit. It will be good for them. It will help with their self esteem, it will make them feel as if they belong to something, and it will make them proud to know that they are contributing to our school.This is going to be a very challenging year for me, because this school is right on top of things. They really do a lot of stuff for the kids. How can I make my kids look good, too?!

Our spirit shirts have not come in yet, but I am in no great hurry to start wearing them. The principal chose the shirts and she is quite slim... which tells you that the shirts she has chosen were not designed with the calorically-challenged person in mind. I wonder what I will look like in them. <<shock>>  <<more stress>

Does this blog make me look fat?

Friday, September 15, 2006

I've Fallen & I Can't Get Up

 mm.Blondes Why do I keep falling? Could it be a revelation of something that I have chosen to block out?

1. Emotional eating. Whoever says they have never used food for comfort must be a liar. As a single person, I come face to face with stress everyday. Religion says that fornication is a sin. Religion says that gluttony is a sin. I suppose in my mind, I see fornication as the greater sin. That may justify why I choose not to be a loose woman, but that doesnt justify my reasons for overeating.

2. The Voices. There are, without a doubt, voices in my head, the tapes with my mother's critical voice. The voices that say that I am fat, that I am not worthy, that I wil never amount to anything, that I should have been born a boy. The voices that hurt, because in my head, I doubt myself or believe that perhaps these tapes must be true. Otherwise, why would my mother keep saying them?

3. The Cycles of Success & Failure. I start out good and I keep on track for awhile and then I fall for a little bit and then the goal disappears from thought, but then, my clothes are tight and I feel guilty about overeating and then the cycle starts all over again. Needless to say, I keep losing the same pounds over and over again but never get to my goal.

4. Burying Myself Deeper into The Glass Box. My fears of finding Mr Right causes me to hide behind the fat. Although I want to look good in my clothes, I am afraid for someone to see me look good in them. Why is it that I attract men that want to fu*k me but never men who want to just love me?

5. I want to lose weight my way. I dont want to count calories or carbs or points. I dont want to eat like a rabbit. I dont want to eat like a bird. I want to lose weight eating what I like. I dont want to give up my favorite foods. Is that bad? Is that too much to ask?

6. My body continues to rebel. Ha Ha Look what I did. I made you fall and hurt yourself. Ha ha Guess you have too much pain to go out and walk today. Ha Ha Looks like you need to stay out of the rain today. Ha Ha Youre too fat for your own clothes. Ha Ha

7. The desire to stay down. What's the point?! I've already lived my youth, and besides, I'm too old for this. I am a good person just as I am, and if people dont like me, because I am fat, that's their problem. 

Arughhhhhh... to calm my inner brat is easier said than done. It seems that everyday, my inner brat plays those stupid tapes in my head over and over again, and even though I may start the day out right, by the end of the day, she has won again. Why do I let her win? Why is this time around so different? Is it because I am in the Valley?

 : Valley of the Dolls (Spec)

Letter to My Inner Child:

Dont pay attention to the lies of the people who should have loved you and guided you instead of putting you down and making you feel inferior. Keep in mind that even though you are sensitive, you were and have always been strong without their help. Keep in mind that no matter what they did, no matter what they said, you remain standing. Keep in mind that in spite of their wickedness, they did not destroy you. You are still here. You are still standing. So, shake off their wicked words, and live for today. Remember that even though your body may feel pain at this moment, God made your body so that it could heal itself. Remember that with God, all things are possible. Remember that with God, you are never alone.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

One Woman Down

Hi. Just an update. I was hoping to go to work today, but the pain forced me to see the doctor instead. Fortunately, there were no fractures, so I wont have to wear casts. I dare not think how ackward it would be to have to wear two! I was hoping to go to work tomorrow, but the doctor says I wont be able to go in until Monday. I must go rest now.

Win =.)

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Underneath the Stairs


                    artwork by JPRosa (the Cloud King) @

This morning, all the rain we had overnight caused the parking lot to flood all the way to the street. It has continued to rain all day.

When I came home from work, it was still raining hard.  I was holding my umbrella, worried about ruining my shoes, because I have had to get them wet everytime I have had to come in or go out of my apartment. Unfortunately, I flew into the air, flat on my back, and flew underneath the stairs, my ankles slamming into the bottom concrete ledge of the stairs. I already missed a day of work last week. I might have to miss work again tomorrow. That is not good. Why do I keep falling?

We just had another electrical blackout. Dang!

Monday, September 11, 2006

One Nation Under God


                 COURAGE * FAITH * HOPE

United we stand, One Nation, under God, for Liberty and Justice for all...

Remember 9-11, not for the horror but for the courage and the unity of one nation~ America, the greatest country in the world. Let freedom ring.




Sunday, September 10, 2006

Life in the Dark


Imagine coming home and there are no lights. Did I forget to pay the electric bill? My goodness! I pick up the phone and pay my bill but the light bill lady says it will take up to two days to get my electricity back on.

I remember standing in line. Was it the phone bill that I paid?! Had the light bill not come in yet?! Did I overlook it?

So I go sit outside for a spell, to wait for nightfall before I head back into my hot apartment. The nun from downstairs greets me as she comes home from the hospital. Surprised to see me sitting outside, we get to talking. I laugh about my dilemna, but instead of laughing with me, she welcomes me into her home for the night. I tried to convince her that I would be alright in my apartment, but she insisted on my staying the night. Because I had to work the next day, I agreed.

The next morning, I looked a mess, because I didnt want to bother my neighbor by washing my hair before I went to bed. So what happens next? It's picture day! Oh, my goodness! And me with a bad hair day, a bad make up day, a bad body day! Fortunately, the camera survived and the photographer did the best he could do with the subject he had!!!!!!! Needless to say, I will not be buying those pictures!

When I came home, my electricity was back on. So I thought that would take care of things for awhile, but I was wrong. I got undressed and ate a sandwich. I could hear the rain, but I love the rain, so I didnt pay much attention until...there were no lights... again.

So I throw on a T-shirt and some pants and I head downstairs to pick up my mail, hoping the lights will be back on when I return. Still no lights. I go sit outside and the neighbors gather around me, all panicky because there are no lights in the complex, and they are upset because they have to miss their favorite TV novela. Even the nun watches that novela. How funny!

So further investigation proved that the block beside us and the blocks before us where the businesses are were also without lights. The nun gets in her car to go buy a flashlight, upset when she returns that the grocery store charged her over $6 for an item that was marked at $2.98. How can they cheat a nun?! If I had been there, I would have stood up for her.

It is hard for me to believe that none of my neighbors had candles in their apartment in case of an emergency like this. And me, well, I have a flashlight but no batteries. LOL...

You know, you walk into the store with batteries on your list, and yet, somehow, you manage to walk out of the store without the batteries! I figured I would go back another day to buy them, but this emergency caught me without batteries!

Why are batteries so expensive?! The main reason why I wanted to buy batteries was because I needed AAA for my small massager (no it is not a sexual toy! Stop being so pervy. LOL)  I use it to massage my tired feet and to help the circulation in my feet. I wish I had bought two, one for each foot! I may have to go back to Walgreens to buy that extra one. Believe it or not, it really helps!

The day I discovered I hadnt paid my light bill (the day before the blackout), I went for a doctor's visit. The doctor told me that my feet are swollen because I am retaining a lot of water. She said that it is partly because of my high blood pressure. I never knew that. I told her that I didnt think my thyroid medication is working because I am always hungry and I keep gaining weight, even as we speak, and that I feel so bloated all the time. She looked at my chart and said, "Yes, I can see that. You gained a whole pound since your last visit in March." (Ha! That was hard to believe!)  I guess I'm just fat and the water retention makes me feel even heavier than I am.

Anyways, before I interrupted myself with massagers and water retention, unlike my neighbors, I was pretty cool about the blackout, because the next day was Saturday. At least, I didnt have to worry about getting ready for work the next day. It also helped to know that I had already paid my light bill. 

It took about three hours for the lights to come back on. By that time, I was so tired, that I went straight to bed.

How can a person get so tired just by talking to the neighbors?! One of my neighbors is so lonely and so needy that she wears us all out. Even the nun tries to avoid her! Whenever she sees me, she gets all excited. She says I am kind.  Am I the only one who listens to her? Everybody scatters like mice when they see her. She doesnt work. She doesnt cook. She doesnt have much to clean except for dusting her tabletops and making her bed. I keep telling her that she needs to go volunteer at the hospital but she would rather spend her time doing nothing. I wonder what that would be like to just do nothing! I think I would be bored. I'm fortunate that I know how to entertain myself.

I was surprised that she went to the Beauty Shoppe to get her hair to look like mine. Why are people always trying to copy my hair?

richard3 Oh Richard, where were you when I was stumbling in the dark?! With you, there would be no need to see the light of day!

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.  ~ Helen Keller

Once I knew only darkness and stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living. ~ Helen Keller

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Likes & Dislikes


No matter how you slice it... 24 hours or 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds..., it is a proven fact that we all have the same amount of time on our hands. So where does the time go? Why is it that some people have more free time than others?! Is it because my mind is always working 24/7? Even when I am asleep, my mind continues to think how I can do this or that. Is it any wonder that my body is always so tired?!

Yesterday, for example, I spent the entire day at Wal-Mart. Judging by the pain in my feet, I gave myself a pretty good workout with all that walking. I found some supplies for work, a purple victorian blouse, a black V-neck hoodie sweater, and a pair of grey "menswear" striped pants. I put most of it on layaway. Layaway! Whoever thought of that idea must have had me in mind. Because my scale died some time ago, I went into the scales aisle and weighed myself. Looks as if I have gained two pounds. That isnt really bad, but unlike Bridget who only had to lose 20 lbs, I need to lose at least fifty pounds.


Physical:  1). By American standards, my weight measures my body as obese.  2). It is hard to find clothes that fit when you are short, but it is even harder to find clothes that fit when you are short and fat. 3). My body has changed from an hourglass to a ruler. 4). I dont know how to dress a ruler. 4). My weight adds to my physical pains, making it harder to exercise. 5). I make time for others, but I forget to pamper myself. 6). I tire out too quickly. 6). My eyes are always puffy from allergies. They look tired.

Emotional: 1). Being overweight makes me feel that Iam not as worthy as others. 2). When I am stressed or when someone hurts my feelings, I run to food for comfort. 3). Being overweight makes me feel self-conscious about intimacy.

Self-Control: 1). Lack of self-control makes me feel as if I am not in control of my weight and that triggers on into other areas of my life, as well. 2). Some days, I wish I could just sleep all day and all night. 3). Some days I am more stressed than others. 4). Whenever I have a big project to do, I feel overwhelmed, which makes it hard to get started.


Physical: 1). Although I think my hair is messy, most people comment that I have beautiful hair.  2). Although I am short and fat, some people would die to have a body like mine. 3). People tell me that I have a pretty face. 4).

Emotional: 1). I am kind. 2). I have a fun personality. 3). I am artistic. 4). I am creative. 5). I am single survivor. 6). I am smart. 7). I am a good friend.

Self-Control: 1). Even if I have to start over again and again, I dont give up. 2) I am very resourceful. 3). I am economical.

How to change Dislikes into Likes

I need to lose 50 lbs. I need to take my mind from the things that I cannot do (physical limitations) and focus on the things that I can do. I need to do a little at a time, one day at a time. I need to take time everyday in pursuit of the greatest desires of my heart, and that includes to be at my ideal weight.

What would you do if you were at your ideal weight right now? I would buy myself something sexy. I would take out my sewing machine and make some pretty vintage clothes to show off my new body. I would flirt more. I would go dancing. I would feel better about myself. I would have more energy.