At times like this, continuing with one’s life seems impossible and eating the entire contents of one’s fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices: to give up and accept my permanent state of spinsterhood and eventually being eaten by wild dogs or not. This time, I choose: not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect.~ From the Movie: Bridget Jones’s Diary
Truth: It's hard to count the many times have defeated illness and death in the face. It's hard to count the many times have I lost weight when doctors told me that I would never do it.
If I had wanted to lose this weight, I would have lost it already!
Fact: I see the walls of the Glass Box all around me, but what is worse is that in self-defense, I keep building the walls higher and higher around myself.
Fact: Keeping my apartment messy will not keep people from visiting.
Fact: I am contradicting myself when I hide behind my weight but bother to take the time to dress like a lady, put on makeup, fix my hair, shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, trim my nails, brush my teeth, or wear something pretty.
Fact: Gaining weight and making myself ugly will not keep men away from me, and not having any "going out" clothes will not keep men from wanting to date me. My smile and my personality continue to attract them. This week alone, I had four men flirt with me, and one of them is young enough to be my son.
Fact: I do not doubt the Power of God. I am not a quiter, and I do not doubt the Power within myself to lose weight. I know that with God's help, all things are possible and no task is too difficult for the Lord.
Life has taught me to be strong. Letting down the walls of my Glass Box doesnt mean that I will lose control. It doesnt mean that I will need to surrender to the world and allow the world to do with me what it wants. When I allow the walls finally come down, I will continue to have choices, but I will be happier about the way I look.
Late night entry: It has been so hard to motivate myself to get back on track. It hurts when my mother constantly tells me that I am fat. It just makes me eat more.
I have lost sight of my value. I am not valuable because of what I have or because of what I have been able to accomplish. I am valuable just because I am a child of God. Even if I turn my back on God, God will not turn His back on me. Even if my mother or my father forsake me, God is always there. I am valuable and I am worth it.
I ate way too much this morning, so I pulled out Bridget Jones's Diary and I watched it twice. Renee had to gain weight for that movie and then she lost so much weight when she did Chicago and Down With Love. She looked gorgeous in her red dress on the Oscars this evening. It's hard to believe they are the same person.
As I looked through the new Lerner catalog, I am convinced that it would be so sad to get new clothes in a small size that dont fit and even sadder to get new clothes in a bigger size.
Because I usually cant remember what I ate, I am determined to have at least one unforgetable meal a day. For lunch, I prepared a plate of cheese enchiladas, beans, and salad and I allowed myself to enjoy every bite.
Then, I cleaned some beans and put them to soak, rolled up my sleeves and tackled the dishes and cleaned the refrigerator, the kitchen, and the living room. Yes, this tired me out and it took me almost all day to do it, because I had to take so many breaks, and also because I spilled the cereal all over the floor. Sighh... But all in all, I had a pretty good day and I also had time to color my hair.