Sunday, February 27, 2005

Just the FACTS, Ma'am

At times like this, continuing with one’s life seems impossible and eating the entire contents of one’s fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices: to give up and accept my permanent state of spinsterhood and eventually being eaten by wild dogs or not. This time, I choose: not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect. ~ From the Movie: Bridget Jones’s Diary

Truth: It's hard to count the many times have defeated illness and death in the face. It's hard to count the many times have I lost weight when doctors told me that I would never do it. 

If I had wanted to lose this weight, I would have lost it already!

Fact: I see the walls of the Glass Box all around me, but what is worse is that in self-defense, I keep building the walls higher and higher around myself.

Fact: Keeping my apartment messy will not keep people from visiting.

Fact: I am contradicting myself when I hide behind my weight but bother to take the time to dress like a lady, put on makeup, fix my hair, shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, trim my nails, brush my teeth, or wear something pretty. 

Fact: Gaining weight and making myself ugly will not keep men away from me, and not having any "going out" clothes will not keep men from wanting to date me. My smile and my personality continue to attract them. This week alone, I had four men flirt with me, and one of them is young enough to be my son.

Fact: I do not doubt the Power of God. I am not a quiter, and I do not doubt the Power within myself to lose weight. I know that with God's help, all things are possible and no task is too difficult for the Lord.

Life has taught me to be strong. Letting down the walls of my Glass Box doesnt mean that I will lose control. It doesnt mean that I will need to surrender to the world and allow the world to do with me what it wants. When I allow the walls finally come down, I will continue to have choices, but I will be happier about the way I look.   

Late night entry: It has been so hard to motivate myself to get back on track. It hurts when my mother constantly tells me that I am fat. It just makes me eat more.

I have lost sight of my value. I am not valuable because of what I have or because of what I have been able to accomplish. I am valuable just because I am a child of God. Even if I turn my back on God, God will not turn His back on me. Even if my mother or my father forsake me, God is always there. I am valuable and I am worth it.

I ate way too much this morning, so I pulled out Bridget Jones's Diary and I watched it twice. Renee had to gain weight for that movie and then she lost so much weight when she did Chicago and Down With Love. She looked gorgeous in her red dress on the Oscars this evening. It's hard to believe they are the same person. 


As I looked through the new Lerner catalog, I am convinced that it would be so sad to get new clothes in a small size that dont fit and even sadder to get new clothes in a bigger size.

Because I usually cant remember what I ate, I am determined to have at least one unforgetable meal a day. For lunch, I prepared a plate of cheese enchiladas, beans, and salad and I allowed myself to enjoy every bite.

Then, I cleaned some beans and put them to soak, rolled up my sleeves and tackled the dishes and cleaned the refrigerator, the kitchen, and the living room. Yes, this tired me out and it took me almost all day to do it, because I had to take so many breaks, and also because I spilled the cereal all over the floor. Sighh... But all in all, I had a pretty good day and I also had time to color my hair.

Sunday, February 20, 2005


1. Being in "like."

2. Flowers.

3. Walks in the moonlight, esp at the beach.

4. Listening to the rain on my windowpane.

5. A bubble bath with relaxing music, incense, wine, and candlelight.

6. Children at play.

7. Winners who laugh at the face of adversity.

8. Swinging on the swings.

9. Eating at the Boiling Pot and listening to a live Jazz band.

10. Visiting Half-Price Books and listening to a live band while drinking an iced mocha with whipped cream, chocolate chips, and nutmeg.

11. Avocadoes.

12. Taking a 3-day weekend mini-vacation.

13. Going barefoot.

14. Giggling.

15. A clean house.

16. Chasing butterflies in the meadow and putting fireflies in a jar.

17. A kiss on the hand.

18. Finding unexpected money in my path.

19. When my boss values my worth.

20. When others show unexpected gratitude for something that I do for them.

21. Comments in my journal.

22. Music that I grew up with.

23. Wearing something pretty.

24. Rootbeer floats.

25. Having a good hair day.

26. Visiting the Miracles Room.

27. When God does something special to make me notice that He is watching over me.

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


Friday, February 18, 2005

Peter Loiselle

Peter Loiselle before

Meet Peter Loiselle. Peter's weight limited his life to his home and his job as a middle school teacher. His wakeup call came with a health scare. If he didnt lose the weight, he ran the possibility of losing his leg or losing his life. 

Peter lost 500 lbs without drugs and without surgery. His weightloss plan consisted of making better food choices, setting a limit to his daily caloric intake, and exercise. Unfortunately, his rapid weight loss presented yet another problem: three feet of excess skin and fatty tissue.Peter had to have surgery to remove this excess skin.

Peter in surgery

When Peter weighed 763 lbs, his waistline measured 83 inches. The picture below is how Peter looks today.

Peter, Bob Greene and Oprah

Wow! Doesnt Peter look hot?!! I am sure that after this transformation, Peter's life will never be the same. Peter's story is a story of hope.

Like me, Peter was trapped in a Glass Box. I do not know what put him there, but the Glass Box does not discriminate.

It doesnt matter if you are a man or a woman. It doesnt matter if you are pretty or not. It doesnt matter what color your skin is. It doesnt matter if you are a Christian or a Jew. The Glass Box does not discriminate. The Glass Box can imprison any one of us. 

Peter's story is a wakeup call for me to pay more attention to the people around me who are trapped in their own Glass Box. Peter's "after" makes me realize that the man of my dreams might be trapped in his "before."

Story taken from Oprah's Weight Loss Plan show:

Monday, February 14, 2005

Day Five

According to Chinese New Year tradition, today is day five, the day that people dont visit each other because it is thought to bring them and their visitor bad luck. As my luck would have it, my mother showed up last night and spent the night.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Day before Valentine's Day


The Crabby Lady @ work got hot flashes and my boss put on the air conditioner, so I caught cold and had to stay home from work on Friday.

Of all times to be sick with Valentine's Day tomorrow and with so much housework yet left to do. It has been pretty hard for me to do housework since the fall over a year ago. My body tires so easily that I have to take frequent breaks.

Because this area floods when it rains, the landlord had people come to add cement to raise the parking lot, but the trash people took the bin over to the other block and they havent put the bin back for about two weeks now. Instead of just taking the trash down the stairs, I also had to put it into my car and drive around the block to dump it. That alone tired me out. Then I washed my clothes and the linens and towels and put fresh linens on my bed. After all that, I had to rest and take a nap. I wish I could just rest. My body gets so tired. I still need to clean and soak some beans and clean the living room. I hope I get the strength to do that before the day is over.

According to Chinese tradition, tomorrow will be day five of the Chinese New Year celebration. On that day, people dont visit each other because it is thought to bring them bad luck. I wonder if Chinese people take the day off from work on the fifth day of the Chinese New Year.

* * * * * * *

My waistline has expanded so much that last week, I decided to try something different. People who are counting carbs would probably yell at me, but I decided to add more fiber to my diet. Fiber is good for the heart and it is also good for many cancers. When you add fiber to your diet, however, you should add it gradually; otherwise, you end up feeling really bloated, which I did in the beginning, because I just added it, period.

Basically, this is what I have been eating:

B: toast and coffee. L: Soup and sandwich and a juice box. D: Bowl of beans and wheat tortilla. Snacks: handful of nuts, apple slices, or carrot sticks. Late evening snack: bowl of cereal.

I took a toaster to work. This makes it a lot easier for me to eat sandwiches, because I hate cold sandwiches and the toast in the morning fills me up. So far, this change has helped to make me more regular, it is economical, my tummy seems to be a little flatter, and I dont get as hungry at night. I dont know if I have lost weight, because I didnt weigh myself before this change, but my skirts dont fit as tight.

God help me to be able to fit and breathe in my own clothes! =.)

One of the sandwiches I liked best was tuna fish w/ a little bit of Light Miracle Whip, lettuce and avocado slices. I am staying away from red meat during lent and trying to eat more fish.


Thursday, February 10, 2005

another New Year?



Chinese New Year starts with the New Moon on the first day of the new year and ends on the full moon 15 days later. The 15th day of the new year is called the Lantern Festival, which is celebrated at night with lantern displays and children carrying lanterns in a parade.

The Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements. The lunar cycle is about 29.5 days. In order to "catch up" with the solar calendar the Chinese insert an extra month once every few years (seven years out of a 19-yearcycle). This is the same as adding an extra day on leap year. This is why, according to the solar calendar, the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.

New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are celebrated as a family affair, a time of reunion and thanksgiving. The celebration was traditionally highlighted with a religious ceremony given in honor of Heaven and Earth, the gods of the household and the family ancestors.

The sacrifice to the ancestors, the most vital of all the rituals, united the living members with those who had passed away. Departed relatives are remembered with great respect because they were responsible for laying the foundations for the fortune and glory of the family.

The presence of the ancestors is acknowledged on New Year'sEve with a dinner arranged for them at the family banquet table. The spirits of the ancestors, together with the living, celebrate the onset of the New Year as one great community. The communal feast called "surrounding the stove" or weilu. It symbolizes family unity and honors the past and present generations.


The 15-Day Celebration


The first day of the Lunar New Year is "the welcoming of the gods of the heavens and earth."Many people abstain from meat on the first day of the new year because it is believed that this will ensure long and happy lives for them.

On the second day, the Chinese pray to their ancestors as well as to all the gods. They are extra kind to dogs and feed them well as it is believed that the second day is the birthday of all dogs. 

The third and fourth days are for the sons-in-laws to pay respect to their parents-in-law.

The fifth day is called Po Woo. On that day people stay hometo welcome the God of Wealth. No one visits families and friends on the fifth day because it will bring both parties bad luck.

On the sixth to the 10th day, the Chinese visit their relatives and friends freely. They also visit the temples to pray for good fortune and health.


The seventh day of the New Year is the day for farmers to display their produce. These farmers make a drink from seven types of vegetables to celebrate the occasion. The seventh day is also considered the birthday of human beings. Noodles are eaten to promote longevity and raw fish for success.

On the eighth day the Fujian people have another family reunion dinner, and at midnight they pray to TianGong, the God of Heaven.

The ninth day is to make offerings to the Jade Emperor.

The 10th through the 12th are days that friends and relatives should be invited for dinner. After so much rich food, on the 13th day you should have simple rice congee and mustard greens (choi sum) to cleanse the system.

The 14th day should be for preparations to celebrate the Lantern Festival which is to be held on the 15th night.


I am not Chinese, but I thought this article was interesting. For further reading:

Wednesday, February 9, 2005

Stepping Out in Faith


Ash Wednesday... The Beginning of Lent, six weeks of reflection, penance, prayer, and meditation based on the Passion of Christ and the pages of my life...

Some Catholics might not know why the priest puts ashes on their foreheads but many Catholics make their way to church on Ash Wednesday to receive the ashes. The priest takes the ashes and says:

You are dust and to dust you shall return.    


This doesnt mean that we are nothing. This means that we are beautifully and wonderfully made by the hand of the Potter and none of us are exactly alike.

Because of Adam and Eve's sin, the gates of Heaven were closed to all of us, but our God is a God of second chances and He loves us so much that He humbled Himself to send His only Son and He sacrificed His only Son that the gates of Heaven might be opened up to us. How many of us would have done the same?!

Ash Wednesday reminds us that life is short and that we should make the most of the life that God gave us.

When I was doing Worker Profile yesterday, a client said that to get God's attention we have to light a candle or He wont listen to us. God talks to us all the time. Lighting a candle is a ritual that we do for ourselves, but we dont have to light a candle for Him to hear us. All we need is to spend time with Him. Just because the answer is no sometimes doesnt mean that He didnt hear us. Sometimes it means that He doesnt think like us. He is a King after all. Sometimes He thinks that we deserve something better than what we ask for, but He waits until just the right time. 

Yes, the present is a gift, but God doesnt just want to give me a present. He wants to give me the world. 


Potter's Image:        

on the other side of the Coin, today is also...

Chinese New Year 2005

~ the year of the Rooster.

 Year of the Rooster    

There are so many days during the year that allow us to FORGIVE ourselves and START OVER! What a blessing.

Monday, February 7, 2005


Leelee Sobieski as Ruby in Columbia's The Glass House - 2001
Photo: Linda R. Chen

Sometimes you have to get a lot of closed doors before you reach that one door that opens for you. ~ Joel Osteen

Within you are seeds of greatness you dont even know about. Take up your sword of Power and step out in Faith.

Remember that Peter was the only one who walked on water, but Peter was the only one who took the risk to get out of the boat.

Get out of your COMFORT Zone and step into your FAITH Zone...

Do not become so comfortable in your Glass Box that you fail to take a risk at being something more in life.

Sunday, February 6, 2005



It is so much easier to be helpful to other people than it is to be helpful to myself. I am important, too.

For being a few minutes late with the rent, I had to pay an extra $25.00. How could I have done that to myself?!!

The groceries I bought last week are gone, but I didnt even lose one pound from last week's intake. I have taken my eyes off my goals. 

How much longer will I indulge in self-punishment?!! I am not committed to this cause, because I am afraid of attracting the wrong man~ again~ and having to face yet another heartbreak, but if I attract the wrong kind of man, shame on him for being totally unprepared to meet someone as wonderful as myself and not wanting to straighten himself out! 


OK.. so I am not even five feet tall... Perhaps that wouldnt work for moi...


After waiting a lifetime to find him, if Mr Right finally shows up, shame on me for allowing that opportunity to pass me by...  

Dont hide behind the weight because you are afraid of meeting the wrong man; be more afraid of hiding behind the weight and losing out on the opportunity of meeting a really great guy.


Maria Orozco as Betty La Fea! (yes, it is the same person)

La Mujer en el Espejo 

Paola Rey as La Mujer en el Espejo (yes, it is the same person)


Marilyn Monroe (yes, it is the same person)

Formerly NormaJeane Dougherty, model for Blue Book Modeling Agency. David Conover discovered her working in a wartime factory, the Radioplane Corporation, in June of 1945.


Jared S Fogle~ the Subway diet guy, formerly 425 lbs; current wt 190.

Miracles are only for those who must see it to believe it.

The success and accomplishments of others should bring us hope for the possibility of our own successes and accomplishments.

Do not become so comfortable in your Glass Box that you fail to allow others to see the beauty within yourself. Do not become so comfortable in your Glass Box that you fail to take a risk at being something more in life.

P.S. My apologies to Michael Jackson fans out there who might be offended by the HOME ALONE picture above. It may have been in poor taste to include the picture, but I just thought the picture was funny. I do agree that all people have a right to be persumed innocent until proven guilty and that everyone has the right to a fair trail.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

Carolina's Birthday


                                                                ~ Painting by Jean Monti

"Crazy Mary" lived a few houses down the street. The people in the neighborhood would make fun of Mary, because she never took a bath, smelled awful, and spent her days gossiping from house to house. Crazy Mary had two daughters: Carolina and Raquel. Raquel was a little baby, but Caro was about three years old.

I first became a mother when I was about six years old. I say six, because that was the year that I taught myself to cook and the year that I took my responsibilities a little more seriously. My mother worked as a waitress, and she wasnt around very much, so I had the responsibility of taking care of my brother who was only a year younger, but I was the girl, and girls had more responsibility. Taking care of my brother wasnt hard at all. My instructions were to keep the door locked until my mother would come home, and so I did. I would play with my brother and keep him entertained and out of trouble, and i would make sure that he didnt go hungry. Looking back now, it really was a lot of responsiblity for someone my age, but I did it without question and without adult supervision.

Taking care of Caro, it was different. I suppose it was different, because she allowed me to do more. Caro always wore the same tattered and dirty cotton dress and she never wore shoes. She was a beautiful little hispanic girl, fraile and timid, with hair of gold and eyes as blue as the sky, but her face and body were always dirty, because her mother didnt take good care of her. Because we didnt have running water in our house, I would get a bucket of water and put it on the stove to heat up the water. Then I would get out the aluminum tub and I would sit her in it and give her a bath, wash her hair, and dry her off and put some baby powder on her so that she could smell pretty. I would ask her if I could wash her dress for her, but she was always afraid that her mother wouldnt like it, so I'd have to redress her in her dirty little dress, which always made me so sad, because she was so beautiful. I would comb her pretty hair into soft curls and sometimes, I would cut a piece of material or ribbon and put it in her hair. A lot of times, her mother would spend so much time gossiping, but Caro didnt seem to mind spending time with me. I would sit her on my lap and read her stories from my little Golden books. She liked that. Other times, I would take her with me to the meadow and we would pick pretty flowers and I would show her how to catch butterflies.

One day, Caro's mother left her children in her house and locked the door. She had left the beans cooking on the stove and the curtain caught fire. Carolina and her baby sister were burned alive inside their own home.

My precious Caro, you were the first of my three little girls and you will always hold a special place in my heart and in my memory. I picture you in heaven, full of beautiful flowers in your hair. Your dress is the same color as the softness of your wings. Your beautiful face is never dirty and your dress is never soiled. God above has you in His care, but every once in awhile, you become like a beautiful butterfly, and you flutter around me as to remind me of the days we spent in the meadow. How I miss you, Caro. One day, I, too, will be a butterfly and we will flutter in the meadow as we did when we were children. Thank you for watching over me.


Tuesday, February 1, 2005



Imagine this lady. Imagine working with this lady and having her criticize you everyday. It's like having my mother at work! Ughhh... what's her problem?! Need to confront her.

The skies are gray and it's been cold and wet for the past few days, so I havent forced myself to go for a walk, esp since I still have this respiratory infection, but I've already completed my antibodics. Wonder if the doctor will make me take a third dose?! Dont plan to go see him yet, because my budget is kind of tight right now.

As for my eating habits.. well, I am making better choices, but I still get so hungry during the day and I am snacking too much at night. I know cooking for one is not fun, but gotta do it! Need to make a grocery list of what I will eat at the office and what I will eat at home.





Maxine Presents The Crabbiest Of Crabby Road: Observations Guaranteed to Help You Learn to Your Attitude Problem, Too!

by: John M Wagner - Shoebox Greetings - Chris Brethwaite