Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I am Worthy

You spent a lifetime caged (in the Glass Box). By accepting who you are, all that you are, you can be free and freedom is power. ~Catwoman


There have been many critical people in my life, but the worst is my mom. It's funny how the bad things are always so much easier to believe. But analyzing everything, I dont think my mom ever felt as if she received approval from her mother, either.

It will be hard to reverse the destructive childhood tapes in my head, but I am proud of all that I have been able to accomplish all by myself.

I have to change these tapes for myself, because in spite of all the cruel things people have said about me and in spite of all the cruel things that people have done to me, I am worthy.

I am lovable.
I am kind.
I am funny.
I am creative.
I am responsible.
I am a work of art.
I am smart.
I am secure in myself.
I am confident.
I am strong.
I am example to many who have lost hope.
I am hopeful.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve the best.
I approve of myself.
I am worthy.
I am.
Love, Win =.)

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day 2006

In loving memory of those who died fighting for our freedom...

  S/he is not a hero because s/he died in a war. S/he is a hero because of who s/he was.

God Bless Our Troops

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Life from the Neck Up

  My God! What I would do to have a closet like this! But alas, not all of us can afford such luxuries. The French are appalled at all the clothes that Americans have. Instead of quantity, they focus on quality.

This cleanup project made me realize that I keep buying the same clothes. How many pairs of black pants do you really need and why is there only one pair that actually fits?! 

The bulk of my body has limited me to what I can actually wear now. A closet full of clothes is not the ticket. It is not the clothes' fault that I look like this in them. What is worse is that there are so many orphans, very few actual outfits, and I dont have the right clothes for some of my activities.  

This weekend, I tried to donate five bags of clothes and shoes to Salvation Army but they refused to take them, so I took them to Goodwill and they refused them, too. They say the fire marshall told them that they had too many clothes which is a fire hazzard. Hummm, so does that mean that if I have too many clothes, it is considered a fire hazzard?!! That thought never dawned on me. In my opinion, I think it is harder for those charities to sell clothes than it is for them to sell little knicknacks and stuff.

To top things off, I also donated two bags of clothes to Shareable Wearables. I wish I could say that I am done, but when your weight goes up and down and mostly up, the results are a closet full of clothes in different sizes that dont fit. Sounds funny, I know, but what really hurts is that it is wasted money that could have gone to a better good. Still, I am glad that someone will be able to benefit from my "mistakes."

Two of the students want to help me to put my apartment in order so that they can earn some money. Ever since I started this project, I gave myself more work than I bargained for, because my apartment is in such a mess now. What did I do?! I made things worse, and even though I have been able to get rid of a lot of stuff, it feels as if I havent made any progress at all.

It is kind of scary to allow these students to help me, to allow them to see where I live and to allow them to see the mess that I have made of my apartment. I am having second thoughts. Is it any wonder that I prefer to do things myself over being embarrassed?! So many people have no problem permitting someone to come into their home to clean their mess. God help me to get past my pride. With my bad back and lack of energy, it definitely would be helpful to have someone to take the boxes and trash down the stairs and out to the bin on the other side of the complex. And it would be good to finally get things in order.

Weighing both sides of the coin,

Win =.)

P.S. Speaking of weighing... I continue to take this milk challenge seriously. Drinking milk helps me not to feel as hungry. And in the words of Martha Stewart, that is a GOOD thing! I hope that drinking 24 oz of milk daily will help me to lose weight.

Looking at my reflection has become too scary to tolerate. No wonder most people only have mirrors that permit them to look at themselves from the neck up.

   Limiting myself to look at myself only from the neck up has forced me to realize that I am only living my life from the neck up. Without my body, it's as if I am living my life as a severed head. Just thinking about that makes me feel like I am the star of a horror flick. Is it any wonder that my life is in such a mess?!

I went to Walgreens looking for a cream that helps cut your appetite and helps you to lose inches. I know it works because I used it in the past but they ran out of it. The salesclerk informed me that a girl came in looking for a moisturizer that boxers use to lose weight/ inches because it helps them to sweat. The moisturizer was available and it was about $10, $2 less than the one I was actually looking for, so I will try it and see if it works.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


What made us good friends...
You and I...
I think I know the reason why...
The best in me...
And the best in you...
Held each other, because they knew...
That always and always...
Since life began...
Our being friends...
Was part of God's plan
The poem above is a poem that I wrote when I was in Junior High. Unfortunately, I gave it to a classmate (Juan Hernandez) who had it published, but he didnt add my name to it. When I saw it at a Christian Book Store, I couldnt believe it, but there was my poem on a little card. My poem is sold at every Christian Book Store! Next time you are in a Christian Book Store, look for it and you will find it. Unfortunately, it doesnt have my name on it...
I sometimes wonder how much money he made from my poem. I sometimes wonder why he didnt bother to contact me to let me know that he was going to have it published. I sometimes wonder if he carried that poem with him into his adulthood. I sometimes wonder if he had it published because he forgot my name. I sometimes wonder how that poem would have changed my life if I had been the one to have it published. I sometimes wonder......

On a lighter note, to Andi, who says that she wants me to see that there are also GOOD PEOPLE in my life, I want you to know that your kind words touched me. And so, I dedicate this poem to you and for the selected few that God has generously placed into my life. Friendship is a wonderful gift. Thank you for being my friend.

P.S.~ Ooops! Forgot to write about the food thang... A commercial on TV indicates that studies show that people who drink milk regularly weigh less and have less body fat. It is also said that milk helps to trim the waistline. I am an hourglass, but the weight has hidden my waistline into nonexistant. My brain is used to dressing like an hourglass. I have no idea how to dress this drastic body change. I miss my hourglass figure. It continues to hide itself in The Glass Box. Sighhhhhh...

And so, I am challenging this milk idea. Is it true? Will it transform my body into the way I want it to be?!@#  I miss being thin. 

P.S.S.  I purchased a new computer @ Wal-Mart. It is a laptop. I had so many problems with my old computer. I hope I will have better luck with this one. I am trying to adjust to the mouse and the compact features, but so far, I love it.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

On Standing Still


Be not afraid of progressing slowly. Be afraid of standing still.

The progress of this journey was a short-lived 4 to 5 months, but after that, the anger and the stress inside and outside myself forced my progress to stand still. That's not much progress for a journal that is almost three years in the making.

I dont like it when I tell myself that this time I am going to do it, and then, I lose my grip and I go back to standing still. The food that I put into my mouth is sometimes for comfort, but usually, it is a form of self-defense to hide behind the weight. 

This morning, the moon rose up to greet me on the way to work. I love seeing the moon in the morning. When that happens, it is as if God is telling me that everything is going to work out o.k.

I started the day by taking the time to exercise before I went to work, I ate healthy and within control today, and I have consumed enough fluids for the day. I know it is only one day of progress, but nonetheless, it IS progress.

Life at work contines to be stressful and you can cut the tension with a knife. The end of the year is coming to a close. There are many reports that must be completed and there are still kids that I have to see. But this mess is almost over, and hopefully, I wont have to see these people again. 

I dont know why I always attract mean people into my life, but I suppose it is just part of life.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day 2006

Both my children called me today. I cannot express how happy that made me. It is hard to believe that they are all grown up with babes of their own. It seems like only yesterday when I held them in my arms and sang to them as I gently rocked them to sleep.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers of the world. You are truly blessed, for there is no love like the unconditional love of a child.

 Win =.)