Tuesday, November 29, 2005

With God, All Things are Possible

Graphic snatched from Mary's journal. Oh, so beautiful! Thanks, Mary. =.)

GRATEFUL LIST (Add one more thing daily)

12. In my childhood, people would tell me that I was chubs. Looking at my childhood pictures, I find it hard to believe why they would tell me that (especially my mother), because I was not fat. They just made me believe that I was. By Kate Moss standards, my skinny friends made me look fat. By Marilyn Monroe standards, I was not far from perfection. I am grateful that even when doctors told me that it was impossible, I was able to lose weight. I am grateful that I know what it is like to be slim and that I know what it is like to feel pretty. I am grateful that I have experienced losing weight many times. I am grateful, because I know that with God's help, I can do it again.



I know that You do not want me to be fat and I know that You do not want me to be sick and unhealthy. Lord, I am not worthy to receive You. Say but the Word and I will be healed. Help me to find the inspiration that I need to motivate and discipline myself to make healthier choices so that I can obtain the healthy body that You intended for me to have.  


Today, I will do something nice for myself. I will do something nice for my body. I will soak in a hot tub full of bubbles with candlelight, soft music, and a glass of wine.

Love, Win =.)

Yesterday's Entry

GRATEFUL LIST (Add one more thing daily)

.11. I am grateful for all of the inventors of the world. It is because of their creativity and imagination that I was able to be successful as a working single mother and student. It is because of their creativity that I was not a slave to my house and that I was able to accomplish the little things so that I could focus on the big things. 

Love, Win =.)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Be Not Afraid~ Be Grateful

Four days down the drain. Now I only have one day left of my vacation and I have spent all of it being sick.

I havent accomplished anything these past four days, but somehow, I managed to gain 6.5 pounds without over-eating. According to statistics, an average person gains 7 pounds during the holidays. Does that mean that I can only gain 1/2 pound between now and New Years?! The scale is not my friend this week.

When I told God that I wanted to at least get back to where I was, I didnt mean back up to 190. I meant back down to 146. God, please dont let me go back up to 190!!!

When I was a little girl, I told God that I didnt want to grow up. That explains why I am short.

Once again, God took me literally. Be careful what you pray for, because you might get it. Today, I will sit with God and explain myself more clearly.

I was so close to my goal weight, but I blew it. Although it seems redundant, I must forgive myself again and try, try again...

Ten Things I am Grateful For

1. Although I am not where I would like to live, I am grateful that I have running water, electricity, and a roof over my head.

2. My job causes me stress, but I am grateful that I am no longer working with idiots who dont know how to treat people like human beings, and I am grateful that I have a job that provides me with benefits and steady income.

3. I do not have a fancy car, but I am grateful that my car is paid for and that I can depend on it to get me to where I need to be.

4. I enjoy spending time by myself, but  I am grateful that I have a telephone and a computer that allow me to reach out to people whenever I want to.

5. Although I have multiple health problems, I am grateful that I still look young and that when people see me, they have no idea how old I am or that I have health problems. Although I am considered obese, I am grateful that I still have admirers and that there are some people who would die to have a body like mine.

6. After all that I have been through, I am grateful that I havent gone insane and that my mind still works.

7. Although they live far away, I am grateful that I have two wonderful children who are blessed with little cherubs of their own.

8. I am grateful for the farmers who plant and harvest food and raise farm animals so that all I have to do is to select whatever I want from the supermarket.

9. I am grateful that I live in the United States, the greatest country in the world... the land of dreams, opportunity, equality, and choices.

10. Although my life has been hard, I am grateful that life has provided me with all the tools that I need to make it in this world. I am grateful that my many gifts, talents, skills, and successes have helped me to help so many people to find their own way. Now it is time to help myself.

Love, Win =.)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Bursting at the Seams


Do you know that if I measure my waistline with the measuring tape backwards, I really have a teeny tiny waistline?! Oh, if only the measurement was true!

I have been in better control of my eating this week. I prepared the homemade stuffing and I baked the turkey, but I was too sick to make the pie. I have yet to sit down to my Thanksgiving dinner. I have spent most of my time crawling back into bed and exercising my kleenex tissue arm.

  Why is it that whenever I get sick, I always manage to gain weight? It's not a good idea to weigh myself when I am sick, because all it does is put me into shock. How do I gain so much in so little time, especially since I have been so careful not to over-eat this week?!

Could it be all the sugar in the orange juice I drank this week? I usually put sweetener in my tea, but because I was expecting company for Thanksgiving dinner, I made it with real sugar. Because it seems a shame to throw it out, I diluted it. I usually dilute my juice also, but I was too sick or too lazy to do it this time. Could all this weight gain be from all the fluid that I have been putting into my bod? 

God, I hope it is only water weight and not fat. I could understand this weight gain it if I had eaten a lot of food, but I really havent. It just doesnt seem fair to gain all this weight when I have been good, when I havent indulged in any kind of tasty feast whatsoever. Perhaps it was from reading about all the chocolate that Sandra eats?! Can you gain weight from reading?! For goodness sake, I havent even had my turkey dinner yet!! Oh, it's so unfair!

It's funny how Scarlett already has a tiny waist, but she is still trying to make it look smaller. The challenge is not to tighten the corset on Scarlett. The challenge would be if Scarlett was trying to tighten the corset on the black woman. Oh, God! It just seems so impossible.

A wish is a dream your heart makes. ~ Walt Disney

11:21 p.m. ~ Okay... here's the buzz. I just got back on the scale and I have gained 2 more pounds. It's got to be all the tea I have been drinking. But youre supposed to drink plenty of fluids when you are sick; right?! Too bad I dont have any water pills. ha ha... I'm adding even more fluids to my bod, because I am having soup for lunch.

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.~ Flavia Weedn

Desperately seeking that tiny waistline,

Win =.)

Friday, November 25, 2005


I have no idea how I got this cold, but it seems that many of my journal friends are sick, too. Do you think it is contagious? Perhaps it is an allergic reaction to the ads AOL put in my journal?!# 

Have you ever forced yourself to eat? I would have to say that today was the first day that I have ever had to do that. Normally, I just eat!

I just read a journal that had 43 comments. How do they do it to keep up with all the people who leave comments in their journals? My AOL is so slow that I do good to read at least two other journals a day, so if I havent hit your journal lately, I'm paving my way towards it; okay?

When I first started my journal, I wasnt concerned about comments at all. The writing was for my own sanity and for my own competition with myself. I was my own woman in my own right ~ strong and determined. I was alone in the world, but I was good at it.

Here, I am an hour away from my mother and just the thought of it makes me feel like giving up. Is it any wonder that I cannot get motivated to diet and lose this weight?! I should have stayed in Rockport.

In my distress, I filled my apartment with too much stuff and too much bad chi. It's sad to think of all the "mistakes" in my closet~ wasted money on things that dont work! It's sad to know that I cant fit into my pretty clothes. It's sad to know that there are only some things that fit, and because of that, they are the only ones that I have to wear over and over and over again.

Working hard at work is one thing, but to have to work hard at home, too, is overwhelming. No wonder I am so stressed. If I am ever to get out of here, if I am ever to move forward, I have to get rid of the things that I dont need, even if it is only setting aside one or two boxes or sacks of stuff per day.

I hate to think that with all of this stuff, I have turned into my mother. This holiday, I have wasted time, because I feel so sick that I just want to crawl into bed.

I made a mess in the living room, because I finally emptied the trunk of my car, which contained boxes from my past two jobs. It's wierd to think that I jumped into three jobs within the last month, but it's true. I will not be able to take all of my stuff into my new job, because I have a tiny corner of the room, and the walls are made of brick, so you cant hang anything, not even a bulletin board. I need to see what I can salvage to make my job easier at work, and then decide what to do with the rest of this stuff. I am happy to report that I can now see the floor. =.)

Today, I had planned to tackle the bedroom, but I crawled back into bed. I decided to soak in a hot tub to see if that would make me feel better, but I am still going through one kleenex after another. And now at past 3:30 p.m., here you find me reading journals and finally adding an entry.

Am I stupid or something?! I just dont want to crawl back into bed, but I know that I should and so I will........again.

Didnt overeat today. Hooray. I'm doing better at controlling my eating.

Trying not to spread my germs on you,

Win =.)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Just Friends?!

Two jobs ago, I was working as an employment specialist at a nearby town. I went out to lunch a couple of times with an employer that I liked, but I never allowed it to go any further than that, because he was an employer. I just felt that it would be unethical.

On October 1st, I was transferred to a different location as a Youth Counselor. Unfortunately, I had a woman boss who was an idiot and left me all alone in the dark with no direction at all and I had a coworker who got all of her friends to email my boss about everything I was doing or not doing. Dont you just hate coworkers who get pleasure out of stabbing you in the back just to remain loyal to their friend?! Jealous dogs. 

So on October 31st, I left the company I had been working for since 1999, and I started a new job working with the schools. When I was sitting at our last meeting, I had a suspicion about my boss. He took me by surprise as he talked about himself. He seems so responsible and so family oriented, all the qualities that I have looked for in a man were all wrapped up within this one man. Wow! I found the needle in the haystack, but there is no attraction, we just dont click, and he is married. The suspicion came when he said that he has seven brothers.

The employer and I have continued to have telephonic conversations. I really didnt want to know, but I asked him to name his brothers. Yes, you guessed it! My boss is the employer's brother. How could that be? They are so different. My boss is a little man with no butt. The employer is over six feet and so funny. It almost makes me feel like I walked into the movie Twins. Talk about a small world! Does this mean that the employer and I are destined to be nothing more than friends?!

My mum and my brother did not show up for Thanksgiving tonight. I guess she meant it when she said that she wasnt coming. She must be really angry. That explains the rotten apples and rotten tomatoes she brought me last week; huh? Oh, well, I was getting too stressed about her coming over anyway.

This Thanksgiving, I did something different. I cooked the turkey in one of those bags. It cooks at a higher temperature than the traditional way, so it was done faster. It felt weird not to baste. I can see why some people complain that their turkey is too dry if they are cooking it at that high a temperature. Personally, I enjoy cooking my turkey the old fashioned way. I think the bags were invented for people who dont know how to bake a turkey. It just seems sad to put the bird in the bag and forget about it. How can you add the special ingredient (love) if you just forget about it?! Personally, I think it tastes greasy instead of juicy, which isnt very healthy. Next year, I will not use the bag.

Thanks for stopping by. Hope everybody had a Happy Thanksgiving,

Win =.)

P.S. I didnt eat very much today. That's two days in a row that I have been in control of limiting my night-time eating. Hooray for moi.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Love in the Food Cycle


My daily experience with food starts out okay. For breakfast, I might eat something healthy, and sometimes not, but the main thing is that I am able to limit what I eat, because I have to dash to work.

For lunch, I have to pack something light, because I only have thirty minutes to eat, and if I pack something heavy, I fights against me as I am trying to go up and down the halls at work.

BUT... when I get home from work or whenever I have to be all day in my apartment, it's as if I have entered the twilight zone, the third dimension, the scary unknown world of a mad, mad vicious animal, who would growl at anything or anyone who tries to take food away from her. The Dr. Jekyl within who eats like a lady and raises her dainty pinky while sipping a cup of tea ceases to exist.

 The woman who walks through that door is the mad Ms. Hyde, she who hides her carnivorous teeth from the world,


and yes, she is capable of swallowing the entire contents of my refrigerator without thought, without guilt, and without remorse. 

By morning, the Dr. Jekyl within returns and asks, "Why did I do that?! How could I eat like that without thinking?! Ughhh... I must try to do better today." And then, the cycle repeats itself.


Looking at my change in eating habits, I have noticed that I am not the same cook that I used to be. Cooking for my family was a daily pastime of preparing food and teaching and supervising my children as they cooked, followed by an enjoyable time with my children at the table, discussing our day, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. But having an empty nest since about 1989 means that now, I only cook for my family on Thanksgiving or whenever they come to visit or whenever I go to visit.

Cooking for one is very different. Cooking for one just doesnt hold that same joy or that same magic. Instead of taking time to prepare a meal, I look for whatever I can cook at a drop of a hat in five minutes or less. Is that why it is just as easy to eat it as fast?!

I remember when cooking in one pot was enough to feed my entire family. When did the food in that one pot become barely enough to feed myself?


Eating at the table has also taken a turn. Setting the table was done with such care, pretty flowers and centerpieces, and yes, candlelight is also appropriate for eating with your children. Now, I hardly eat at the table anymore. I find that it is just as easy to eat at any place where I can sit, stand, lay down, or curl up. Does eating at a place that isnt a table give you permission to swallow your food whole? 

Could it be that the excess food is subconsciously feeding my emptiness? Am I subconsciously feeling empty?!

Emptiness is hard to fill. I look around my apartment and I look at all the extra things that I could live without. I need to get rid of all the clutter. Why have I done this to myself?!

I hate to think that I am turning into my mother with all of this clutter. Am I subconsciously trying to fill that emptiness through the things that I buy? Am I subconsciously feeling empty?

It is hard for me to accept that I might be feeling empty. I enjoy spending time by myself and I enjoy being independent. It is hard for me to think about having to share my life and my space with someone else.

Perhaps I just need to spend more time pampering myself. Perhaps I just need to re-teach myself how to enjoy cooking and eating for one.

It seems that whenever you feel that you look your worst, you run into someone that you know. Last Saturday, I ran into that cute Italian chef I met this summer. Boy, did he look hot in his white shirt, blue jeans, and green jacket. How did he recognize me when I have only talked to him one time?! I felt embarrassed. I felt like the big bad Ursela from the Little Mermaid



when her stomach flops out and she grows and grows into an incredible size. Surely, my stomach has expanded a multiple of inches since he saw me last. How could he still be talking to me?!

He just looked so scrumptious that just like in the movies, I had this vision of grabbing him madly and dipping him into a deep passionate kiss right in front of everybody, but of course, I didnt. I think it was fortunate that I didnt envision us making love. No, that would be too humiliating to allow him to see me naked, and so, I remained calm and sweet, and I took his card instead.

We all make decisions. What will mine be today? Will today be the day that I break the cycle or will I continue to keep myself trapped within the depths of  The Glass Box?!!

How many more meals do I need to eat before my brain accepts that overeating will make more and more oversized?


Win =.)

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Equations of Life


 My mother walked in with a bag of week-old bread and some rotten apples and rotten tomatoes. Was she trying to prove a point? What was she thinking? Would this be considered generosity?                    

She smiled a wicked smirk, as she pulled out a $20 dollar bill and said that it was for my turkey, because she would be boiling some turkey legs for herself and my brother. Does that mean she wont be coming for Thanksgiving?

Whether they come or not, I always make my Thanksgiving fix ~ two days of cooking, because I only have one oven. It doesnt matter if they decide not to come. Either way, I will be prepared to receive them. Thanksgiving is not so bad when they come over, because my brother is a funny guy and he enjoys my cooking. But I am sure that my brother will notice and comment that I have gained weight. I can hear him now: Oh, sis, what a darling maternity dress... Oh, youre not!

I am glad that my brother is talking to my mother again. Because of my intervention, my mother has recovered her son. Unfortunately, once again, I have ceased to matter to her, but that's okay. If she cannot accept me as I am, she will have to answer to God when she meets Him face to face.

Now, she says she is going to hire a lawyer to sell her land. She is angry at me, because I refused to take a $100 dollar bill from her on my birthday. Why is it so hard for her to see that a hug from her would have been worth more to me than any amount she has to offer. She is selling her land because she thinks it's a form of revenge towards me. I dont have a place to call home, but I dont think I would want it anyway, because she is such a bitter woman. The only thing I have ever asked of her, she has never been able to give me~ love. Maybe she willbe happier to rent an apartment like I do. Maybe not.

Some people are just like poison. They are toxic and no good for your life, even if that person is your mother.


Sunday, November 13, 2005

Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother

God must be rolling his eyes everytime I talk about my mother. Joan Crawford always scared me, but I never realized why until I saw the movie, "Mommy Dearest," which was written by one of her adopted kids, Christina. It was her eyebrows that gave me the creeps, and although my mother doesnt wear much makeup, she darkens her eyebrows and they are as scary looking as Joan Crawford's.

 A wire hanger?!#

WORDS OF WISDOM: A wire hanger was not designed to provoke rage. =.)

I know it is wrong to talk bad about your mother, but I thank the Lord that I do not live in my mother's house. It is bad enough that I live an hour away from her. She has always been my worst critic and her words cut through my heart like a knife. 

 Most mothers criticize their daughters because they are not married. My mother has never wanted a man to look at me and she has never wanted me to get married. In my culture, it is said that the bad curse of the mother becomes reality. Perhaps that is why my life has turned out as it has. Why would a mother want to curse her own child?! Yes, this Winivere has yet to meet her Arthur or her Lancelot.

My mother is all about appearances and to your face, you would think she is the greatest person, but you would have to be her daughter to know what I mean.

I left her house the day after high school graduation, but even though I am already 52 years old, she is still my worst critic. As you can see, I am back in that tower. I am the Woman in the Glass Box. All I need is for her to throw dirt on me and bury me deep into the ground.

I came to the Valley with good intentions, but coming to the Valley was a bad idea, because I have ceased to believe in myself and that is a bad thing. 

When I lost 50 lbs and was wearing a size 4 in jeans, she said to keep on going until I got into a size 10. (It's funny that she didnt recognize that a size 4 is smaller than a size 10.) She always wants to take our pictures, but that's how she collects the "evidence" to let me know repeatedly that I am fat.

Yes, after losing 50 lbs, she brought me down again, and that is when I stopped trying to lose weight. I gained 30 lbs after that comment, probably more by now, and I havent been able to take it off. Ughhh! Why oh why do I let her get to me when she has never been a supportive part of my life?! Who is she that her words continue to pound into my brain?

There is no way that I would have been able to accomplish all that I have accomplished in my life if I had stayed at home.

How old do I have to be before I realize that her opinion is not important?! Why do I allow her to have so much power over my life?!

Thanksgiving is almost here. No doubt she will come with my brother to eat Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment. I'm getting stressed out just thinking about having to see her again.

It's funny that, like Sybil, I am writing with a purple crayon.

   And like the little girl in the Exorcist, I feel like the Woman inside me is scribbling the words "Help Me" from the inside of my tummy.

I am tired of playing her victim, Lord. I am disgusted from my own vomit. Please put a shield between me and her words. Help me to fight for my own life.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Seek the Beauty Within

Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her http://www.themakeupgallery.info/character/fat/dbhgh.htm

Tyra Bankstyra_banks_thumb1.jpg

Tyra Banks goes undercover as a 350 lb woman and describes her one day experience as "one of the most heartbreaking days of my life."  

Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal  http://www.themakeupgallery.info/character/fat/shalgp.htm

"One of the most heartbreaking days of my life?!" How about a lifetime of heartbreaking days?!

Today, I had to take a picture for my ID at work. How horrible to have to show it off! Needless to say, taking that picture reminded me of the celebrities who have had to put on some weight or a fat suit for some of their acting roles. If only I could take mine off as easily as they can!

Godmother, where is that magic wand?!#

What kind of lives would these celebrities have lived if they had lived their lives being overweight? Would we still love them? Would we still want to look like them? Are we just as guilty of loving them because they are pretty, as some people are guilty of looking down on us because we are overweight? I am not really a Tyra or Gwyneth fan, but Goldie... well, Goldie is just too lovable! I know for a fact that I would love her no matter what her weight. She just has that wonderful personality, and besides, she is with Kurt Russell and my brother looks like Kurt Russell. I think it would be "groovy" if my brother were to find someone that looks like Goldie. 

I loved Goldie as a strawberry blonde in Death Becomes Her. She was a redhead in Private Benjamin, also. I think she continues to keep the blonde look because her name is Goldie, but I think she looks better as a redhead. My hair is naturally red, but I have always tinted it a light brown and I am currently a blonde. I sometimes think about going red, but I am afraid it will look too orange.

Looking at "the other half of the glass," the celebrities overweight pictures make me see how ordinary they really are. That gives me hope that I, too, have the potential to look extraordinary.

Victim of a bad ID picture, :::shock:::gasp:::

Win =.)

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Lessons of Life


Coming from a poor family and coming from an abusive childhood, body image was not one of my priorities. It's hard to remember when body image became important to me.

When we would visit Mexico, we would go to the movies, because it was very inexpensive, but I cannot remember any movie that had a big impact on me. 

The first time I ever saw a magazine was when my mother's employer had given them to her. Betsy McCall was not a Barbie, but she had pretty clothes. And then, there was Seventeen Magazine with pictures of Christie Brinkley on every cover. When you are abused, it is hard to picture your life any different, but what impressed me most about Christie was the fresh look of her face. Everybody's beauty secret was Noxema, but my beauty secret for 50 years was Zest, never going to sleep with makeup on, and washing my face twice a day. It wasnt until I turned 50 that I decided I needed to start using creams on my face, but people always think I am in my early 30s.

They have been playing the following song on the radio a lot. I remember hearing it on the radio when it first came out, but it seems that it has taken me this long to finally pay attention to the words. The lyrics are so sad but so true to life...


I learned the truth at seventeen
that love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew,
the friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
at seventeen, I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone.
Who called to say, "Come dance with me"
and murmured vague obscenities.
It isnt all it seems at seventeen.

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said, "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what whe needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly.

So remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
Thir small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventten.


To those of us who knew the pain
of Valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
it was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
inventing lovers on the phone
repenting other lives unknown
that call and say, "Come dance with me."
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen.

by Tetsuya Chiba

Childhood can be a difficult time, but when you have been abused, it is hard to see yourself as pretty. I think I was pretty, because I do not know of anyone who would want to sexually abuse a child who is not pretty. It would have been nice if I had had a mother who was loving and supportive, but my childhood and my adulthood have been more about survival than about trying to look pretty.

When did it happen? When did I first want to be pretty? I remember Mally catching me trying to hide my shame by dressing in the bathroom stall instead of out in the open like the other kids did. She seemed shocked that I had a figure. Why do you hide it? she asked. Look, you have a waist. And yet, I continued to hide it with baggy clothes. I didnt want anyone to know.

The popular girls had it all, or so I thought. I never dreamed of having what they had. I was never jealous of what they had. I just figured that it was my fate to be without. To them, love and boyfriends were important, but all I wanted was to go somewhere far, far away.. somewhere where there is no abuse, no matter how hard I had to work. But moving to another place was not the answer. It was only geography, because abuse followed me into my adulthood.

When I was at college, I walked everywhere and running helped to release my thoughts. I didnt expect it to make my body beautiful. The high I got from running was the remedy I needed to survive the stresses of my days. After my divorce, I went back to running, but dancing also became a part of my life for the one year before my car accident. Unfortunately, my dancing partner went country, so I left dancing behind. The car accident left me with breaking almost every bone in my body and my health began to deteriorate, so I went back to lifting weights to strengthen my body. The times I have lost weight, I have returned to jogging, but when I fell in 2003, my body and my joints could not longer support the hard impact and gravity is no longer my friend. Although I want to walk, my body continues to fight me, because the pain from the herniated disks in my lower back and my hip make it too difficult. When will my body regenerate itself?

Because jogging and walking were a positive part of my life, it makes sense that a sweatsuit has become a permanent part of my wardrobe. As a young mother, friends would laugh that I was always in jogging clothes, but they admired me for working so hard at taking care of my body instead of looking to some other vice to work through my stress. People remember me as "always jogging," but one man remembers me as doing something "very athletic." To my surprise, what he meant was when I went dancing. People noticed me when I danced, because I had a dancing partner and we danced well together, but the dancing was short lived. Just the other day, my daughter got after me because she always sees me in sweatclothes. But to me, the sweatsuit is a good thing. It is an unconscious step of the failure I still have to accomplish.

What happened to the vibrant, vivacious woman who could do anything and was never afraid of anything?! Coming to the Valley has changed me. It is a harsh truth to face that I have crawled back into The Glass Box and that I have allowed myself to become a prisoner within the walls of glass. As I continue to live in fear, I sometimes wonder if I will ever break through the glass. I have saved the lives of so many people, why cant I do the same for myself?

                   Image: Christie Brinkley

This is Christie Brinkley at age 51. She is only six months younger than I. Although she has gained weight, they label her new look as "athletic." Does that mean I am now athletic?! Unlike the prima ballerinas I do have more muscle than most. Christie is still pretty, but she doesnt have the 24 inch waistline she had before. I wonder if she ever has problems getting motivated to stay in shape. To me, she looks as if she is happy "just as she is."

I dont want to look like a stick, but I do want to be healthy and strong. When I think back, it wasnt a man who motivated me to lose weight. It was for me. I wanted to be healthy and I still do. I read other people's journals, and I see how motivated they are to work on their weightloss goals. I used to be so motivated. How do I get to that place again?