Friday, July 14, 2006

Beautiful, Part I.

    More questions about this Wedding photo:

What is it like to be just so gorgeous that you were wanted to make an amazing day even more beautiful?

Yes, it is unusual that the bride selected me without knowing who I was. I dont know why she selected me to be in her wedding. This was the first time that I had ever been to a wedding. My little life had known mostly quiet and sadness, but I had never seen people laughing and enjoying life. She had a slender little waistline and she wore a long white dress and veil. I had never seen a bride before. Even though her dress was simple, I was impressed with her dress, because to me, she looked like the picture of Cinderella in my Little Golden Book when Cinderella married her prince. Another thing is that the bride married an anglo. I had never seen someone marry outside of their race before, but the thing I remember most about her was her smile. She was so happy. It was the first time that I ever saw anybody happy. She was such a nice person and she was so full of life. I sometimes wonder how her marriage worked out, if she is still happy. I dont know why she selected me to be in her wedding. Maybe she thought I was pretty, or maybe she was impressed that I was very respectful and always so well behaved. I hope that she was able to have lots of babies, because it would have been wonderful to have had her for my mother. For me, it was an honor to have this bride select me to make this special day in her life memorable.

I was selected for about three weddings. I know my brother was with me in one of them. I think my mother was hurt, because she wanted the bride to choose my brother for this wedding. I dont know why the bride didnt want my brother to be in her wedding. Maybe she just thought that it would be better if the little boy was not my brother. Maybe she just thought Freddy was cute.

When my mother saw this picture in my home, she didnt like it. She commented that Freddy grew up to be such an ugly man. Her comments never cease to shock me.

When this event happened, my mother took me to the seamstress. At that time, it was much more economical to have your dresses made. I think that is when I fell in love with sewing. I marveled at how the seamstress measured my little body only once, and before I knew it, I had this beautiful dress.

I like this picture, because in this picture, I was still innocent and I still had my virginity. I wonder if the way I looked in this dress opened up the doors to the pedifiles in my childhood. It was shortly after this picture that my teenage cousin had sexual intercourse with me during a game of hide and seek.

Because my mother favored my brother, most of the pictures from my childhood are of my brother. Unfortunately, the few pictures of myself that I would have wanted are so small that to blow them up would really mess them up. And because my mother always took pictures in black and white, you wouldnt be able to see the colors anyway.

Another of my favorite pictures was when I was six. My teacher selected me to represent the 1st grade class in the Sports Coronation. My dress was made out of pink netting that had silver dots on it. It was pretty much the same style, except that it was floor length and it had a little stole that covered my shoulders and clipped in the front. The stole was made of the same material. The dress was so beautiful. It made me feel like a princess. I was surprised that my mother put a little lipstick on my lips. When they were giving out the crowns at the coronation, I was hoping that they would give me a crown, too, but it didnt matter that I didnt get one, because I felt like a little princess anyway. 

Another time, I was selected for twirling. I think I was about six or seven. It was the only time that I can remember in my childhood that I wore a short skirt, and I believe that was the only time in my lifetime that my mother actually seemed proud of me. I was the youngest twirler. All the other girls were from junior high and high school.

When I was a little girl, nobody ever told me that I was pretty. Every little girl should be told she is pretty, even if she is not. ~Marilyn Monroe

When I was a little girl, I didnt know what beauty meant. Like Marilyn Monroe, no one ever told me that I was pretty. All I knew is that pedifiles were attracted to me and that they only used me for their pleasure, but my grandfather was different. I often wondered when he would fondle or want to have sex with me, but my grandfather respected my little body.

I always wondered if there was something wrong with me. Why did all of these pedifiles choose me? Why didnt they respect my father's death in leaving behind a little girl who had no one to defend her? Did they know about one another? Did they plan this together?

At five years old, I was too young to know what suicidal thoughts were. I never thought about killing myself, but I did spend many hours on the roof crying about my life and asking God to take me with him to heaven so that I could be with my father.

In junior high, I would hide behind loose clothing. I was afraid for anyone to think I was beautiful, because I was so tired of the sexual abuse. I remember Mali seeing me in the dressing room at school. She was shocked that I had a body. She asked me why I didnt wear clothing that was more close fitting so that I could show off my body. I never told her why. I just continued to wear the loose clothing.

When I was a little girl, I never knew what beauty meant. I never thought of myself as pretty. For me, it was about the clothes. It was the pretty dresses that made me feel like a princess, even if it was just for a little while.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel.....i got told by my abuser that i was unlovable and no man would ever love me like normal girls are loved.....that still is in my head every minute everyday. You are adorable in that pic....and your mom sounds like a mess....and i didnt know your dad died when you were young.
I think you are an awesome lady and a good friend. Maybe someday we'll beat these demons.
Hugs, lisa

Anonymous said...

{{{WIN}}}
I cry for the little girl lost, but praise the strong woman you are now! You are a survivor NOT a victim, not anymore! God Bless You sweetie.
Proud to call you my online pal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs, Sug

Hope you got the BD gifts I sent early. :)

Anonymous said...

Win,
What a cute picture. It makes me sad to hear about this. Sending you big hugs.
Love,
Kat

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you have these horrible memories. Just like I tell Lisajo you are NOT damaged goods. You are beautiful,  you are special.
hugs,
Ellen