Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Mask

This tag takes me back to an old entry that won some recognition by AOL... I am disappointed that this year my journal was not nominated for anything at all... Creating tags has helped me to deal with the stress of being without a job for over a year, but I really should focus more on my writing, because I would really like to write and illustrate a book someday.... This is the 2007 entry...

She was a poet on a street corner, trying to recite to a crowd pulling at her clothes. ~Arthur Miller/ playwright & ex-husband of Marilyn Monroe

Sweet Norma Jeane, always smiling, always hiding her sadness behind the mask of Marilyn Monroe...

It seems impossible that such a beautiful woman could be so unhappy in her private life. It doesn't seem possible that the image the world had of her never allowed the public to see the intelligent woman that she was... the woman who loved to read and write poems.

Marilyn's career took off so quickly that she never took the time to work on her problems until the latter years of her life. Perhaps if she had started earlier, she would have had more of a chance, and she would have been stronger for it. Many people think she committed suicide, but I think she was murdered, because she knew too much.

When I was a child, I wanted to be an artist, but the world took me in the opposite direction... I remember working in an office during the day, but at night, I was a volunteer for an organization called "Crisis Intervention."

Counseling came very natural to me, and I was very good at it. Many people think that counseling is about giving advice, but if you are giving someone advice, you are not counseling. You are giving advice, and you cannot do that in counseling. It became very clear to me that I had found my life's calling, but it was also the beginning of my journey of self-discovery, a kind of self-therapy and knowledge that helped me to work through so much anger and pain from my childhood of abuse, sexual abuse, and abandonment. 

I have been very fortunate to have lived my life alone, because life has taught me many hard and difficult lessons that I probably never would have learned otherwise. 

Like Marilyn, I pour myself into my work to compensate for the love that I have never had from my mother or from a man. I have had many jobs since those days at "Crisis Intervention." I thank my grandfather for teaching me the power of work, for it is my work that sustains me, no matter how difficult or stressful. I thank God for my work and for the many people who have come into my life with a cry for help for their problems. Helping others has always helped me to take my worries off of myself.

But living in the Valley has been like rolling off a cliff. Yes, I feel that I am making a difference where God has planted me, but my heart cries to return to Corpus Christi where I can be closer to my children and far away from the criticism of a mother who will never love me or accept me... and my body cries to be healthy and fit. 

Being beautiful can be just as lonely and just as painful as being ugly and fat. ~ Winivere

So sorry if this entry is sad. I hope it's sadness doesn't take away from the beauty of the tag... Remember that the entry was written in April of last year... My relationship with Mother is better now & she has finally said that she loves me!


sugarsweet056 said...

Don't worry about your journal not being nominated this yr, as far as I know, there were NO awards this yr.
They decided to not have them since there was a stink surrounding them last yr.
Have a good week.

cacklinrosie101 said...

Wini, there hasn't been any Vivi awards since 2006.  Nobody will ever take that project on again because it makes JLand way too ugly.  Trust me...Jackie and I did it then...never again.  Your journal is always a winner in my book, and so are you.  I really didn't want love when my BF walked into my life.  I had just gotten rid of a vicious alcoholic and thought all men were useless.  I think we need to reach a spot where we are content with what we have at any given time.  My mom does love me; just can't express it.  She's very cold.  I realize that now but didn't for a long time.  I was my daddy's girl.  Anyway, I've found that when I stopped searching and seeking is when God actually placed things right in front of me.  BTW:  Your tags are stupendous, and I keep forgetting that pimp I want to do...Love you, Chris

sybilsybil45 said...

That was a very interesting piece of writing Win. Thanks for letting us have a peek into some of your feelings.    Love Sybil xx

dsonney01 said...

Love you babe, and ain't life grand? Someday I'll tell you a few true tales- We all wear masks and hats. I have quite a collection! In real time I can't wear hats unless they have a hole cut out for my braid-a-matic or bun-o-matic. I love masks but then you can't breathe or the feathers tickle. 54? wow, really? Almost as old as me! hehehe Dannelle PS now do you feel better?

jjdolfin9 said...

I felt you pain with every word.  I'm glad things have improved for you since that time.  I know you need a job, but that doesn't define you Wini.  You are an amazing woman and I love you GF.
Hugs, Joyce

astoriasand said...

The tag is beautiful and you are too.Nothing more to be said Winivere.Happy your Mother finally told you she loved you.Carry on your brilliant journal.No Viva's this year as Chris said.Take Care God Bless Kath astoriasand

dbdacoba said...

A very interesting and very moving entry.  I was really touched by it.
If I may, I think you should identify Arthur Miller as a playwright.  His film writing was incidental next to his many plays.                 DB

sunnybethe said...

I have had this feeling for a long time that the place you should be is Corpus Christi.  It seems you feel so very alone in the Valley.  The job market would be better in the CC.  Is there anyway you can set yourself up for a change?  *Just some things tthink about. hugs,  Bethe