Heart, Body, & Mind

   

Last night, I dreamed that my heart, my body, and my mind are at battle with each other. My body kept wanting to feel alive, my heart kept wanting to feel loved, but my brain kept trying to convince them that it is only trying to protect them from being hurt.

How can you protect us from everything? Yes, we have known hurt, and we have known deepest despair, but to overprotect us is not healthy. Stop hiding us behind the extra weight and allow us to break free from this Glass Box.

The people who want to hurt me when I am slim and  beautiful are not important. The men who want to use me only for your body are not important and are not worth my time. There is still hope that there might be someone out there who will take the time to get to know me for the beauty that lies inside myself, but even if I live the rest of my life alone, it is better than living my life with someone who doesnt love or appreciate the real me. 

The pages of my life are already written and no one can keep from me what is rightfully mine. 

In 2005, the reflection of love that is within me will break free from the Glass Box.

A dream is only a dream until it becomes a goal.

Keeping a public diet journal is very scary. When I started this journal, I was very committed to losing weight. This entry may sound harsh, but depending on others for support doesnt work, because most people dont stay and when AOL wanted to feature my journal, my friends got angry and left. Because I felt that I didnt deserve the honor, I turned down AOL to feature my journal. How I regret that. Perhaps next year, I will have another opportunity to be featured...

When I was doing well, I was on a roll and it didnt matter that no one was reading my journal. I depended on my own motivation and I was deeply committed. Then people started reading my journal. When I started having more and more health problems, I needed some support, but I think people didnt want to hear about my health problems, because as my health problems increased and my progress slowed down, my readers began to disappear.

I suppose a lot of my readers gave up on me, but even if I am back where I started, I havent given up hope, and the motivation within myself is what I must depend on if I am ever to reach my weight-loss goals. It would be great to have a friend whom I could depend on throughout this weight-loss journey, but I must accept that my greatest strength has and will always come from within myself.

     

Today, I got back the results of my blood tests. I am very low in calcium, and as expected, my thyroid's problems have tripled. My infection has spread into my bladder and into my ears. Back to more anti-biotics...