Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Love in the Food Cycle

           

My daily experience with food starts out okay. For breakfast, I might eat something healthy, and sometimes not, but the main thing is that I am able to limit what I eat, because I have to dash to work.

For lunch, I have to pack something light, because I only have thirty minutes to eat, and if I pack something heavy, I fights against me as I am trying to go up and down the halls at work.

BUT... when I get home from work or whenever I have to be all day in my apartment, it's as if I have entered the twilight zone, the third dimension, the scary unknown world of a mad, mad vicious animal, who would growl at anything or anyone who tries to take food away from her. The Dr. Jekyl within who eats like a lady and raises her dainty pinky while sipping a cup of tea ceases to exist.

 The woman who walks through that door is the mad Ms. Hyde, she who hides her carnivorous teeth from the world,

           

and yes, she is capable of swallowing the entire contents of my refrigerator without thought, without guilt, and without remorse. 

By morning, the Dr. Jekyl within returns and asks, "Why did I do that?! How could I eat like that without thinking?! Ughhh... I must try to do better today." And then, the cycle repeats itself.

   

Looking at my change in eating habits, I have noticed that I am not the same cook that I used to be. Cooking for my family was a daily pastime of preparing food and teaching and supervising my children as they cooked, followed by an enjoyable time with my children at the table, discussing our day, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. But having an empty nest since about 1989 means that now, I only cook for my family on Thanksgiving or whenever they come to visit or whenever I go to visit.

Cooking for one is very different. Cooking for one just doesnt hold that same joy or that same magic. Instead of taking time to prepare a meal, I look for whatever I can cook at a drop of a hat in five minutes or less. Is that why it is just as easy to eat it as fast?!

I remember when cooking in one pot was enough to feed my entire family. When did the food in that one pot become barely enough to feed myself?

   

Eating at the table has also taken a turn. Setting the table was done with such care, pretty flowers and centerpieces, and yes, candlelight is also appropriate for eating with your children. Now, I hardly eat at the table anymore. I find that it is just as easy to eat at any place where I can sit, stand, lay down, or curl up. Does eating at a place that isnt a table give you permission to swallow your food whole? 

Could it be that the excess food is subconsciously feeding my emptiness? Am I subconsciously feeling empty?!

Emptiness is hard to fill. I look around my apartment and I look at all the extra things that I could live without. I need to get rid of all the clutter. Why have I done this to myself?!

I hate to think that I am turning into my mother with all of this clutter. Am I subconsciously trying to fill that emptiness through the things that I buy? Am I subconsciously feeling empty?

It is hard for me to accept that I might be feeling empty. I enjoy spending time by myself and I enjoy being independent. It is hard for me to think about having to share my life and my space with someone else.

Perhaps I just need to spend more time pampering myself. Perhaps I just need to re-teach myself how to enjoy cooking and eating for one.

It seems that whenever you feel that you look your worst, you run into someone that you know. Last Saturday, I ran into that cute Italian chef I met this summer. Boy, did he look hot in his white shirt, blue jeans, and green jacket. How did he recognize me when I have only talked to him one time?! I felt embarrassed. I felt like the big bad Ursela from the Little Mermaid

     

                            

when her stomach flops out and she grows and grows into an incredible size. Surely, my stomach has expanded a multiple of inches since he saw me last. How could he still be talking to me?!

He just looked so scrumptious that just like in the movies, I had this vision of grabbing him madly and dipping him into a deep passionate kiss right in front of everybody, but of course, I didnt. I think it was fortunate that I didnt envision us making love. No, that would be too humiliating to allow him to see me naked, and so, I remained calm and sweet, and I took his card instead.

We all make decisions. What will mine be today? Will today be the day that I break the cycle or will I continue to keep myself trapped within the depths of  The Glass Box?!!

How many more meals do I need to eat before my brain accepts that overeating will make more and more oversized?

SIZE DOES MATTER,

Win =.)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I too feel that cooking for one is boring and I think that sometimes I do eat because of the emptiness that I am feeling. I need to get over that emptiness before tomorrow or I will be eatting myself to death on Thanksgiving. I am going to the gym and try to do 30 minutes on the elliptical machine tonight.
Love,
Kat
PS I think you should call the cute Italian chef.

Anonymous said...

Hey Win!
Gosh, your post has me written all over it.  Thank you for reminding me of everything I do just because I am alone and lonely.
I think you should go out with the Italian guy.  Did you ever see the seafood guy?  All these men....make the most of it.
Happy Thanksgiving, Win.
Jo