Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother

God must be rolling his eyes everytime I talk about my mother. Joan Crawford always scared me, but I never realized why until I saw the movie, "Mommy Dearest," which was written by one of her adopted kids, Christina. It was her eyebrows that gave me the creeps, and although my mother doesnt wear much makeup, she darkens her eyebrows and they are as scary looking as Joan Crawford's.

 A wire hanger?!#

WORDS OF WISDOM: A wire hanger was not designed to provoke rage. =.)

I know it is wrong to talk bad about your mother, but I thank the Lord that I do not live in my mother's house. It is bad enough that I live an hour away from her. She has always been my worst critic and her words cut through my heart like a knife. 

 Most mothers criticize their daughters because they are not married. My mother has never wanted a man to look at me and she has never wanted me to get married. In my culture, it is said that the bad curse of the mother becomes reality. Perhaps that is why my life has turned out as it has. Why would a mother want to curse her own child?! Yes, this Winivere has yet to meet her Arthur or her Lancelot.

My mother is all about appearances and to your face, you would think she is the greatest person, but you would have to be her daughter to know what I mean.

I left her house the day after high school graduation, but even though I am already 52 years old, she is still my worst critic. As you can see, I am back in that tower. I am the Woman in the Glass Box. All I need is for her to throw dirt on me and bury me deep into the ground.

I came to the Valley with good intentions, but coming to the Valley was a bad idea, because I have ceased to believe in myself and that is a bad thing. 

When I lost 50 lbs and was wearing a size 4 in jeans, she said to keep on going until I got into a size 10. (It's funny that she didnt recognize that a size 4 is smaller than a size 10.) She always wants to take our pictures, but that's how she collects the "evidence" to let me know repeatedly that I am fat.

Yes, after losing 50 lbs, she brought me down again, and that is when I stopped trying to lose weight. I gained 30 lbs after that comment, probably more by now, and I havent been able to take it off. Ughhh! Why oh why do I let her get to me when she has never been a supportive part of my life?! Who is she that her words continue to pound into my brain?

There is no way that I would have been able to accomplish all that I have accomplished in my life if I had stayed at home.

How old do I have to be before I realize that her opinion is not important?! Why do I allow her to have so much power over my life?!

Thanksgiving is almost here. No doubt she will come with my brother to eat Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment. I'm getting stressed out just thinking about having to see her again.

It's funny that, like Sybil, I am writing with a purple crayon.

   And like the little girl in the Exorcist, I feel like the Woman inside me is scribbling the words "Help Me" from the inside of my tummy.

I am tired of playing her victim, Lord. I am disgusted from my own vomit. Please put a shield between me and her words. Help me to fight for my own life.