"Life" with an Incubus

   

The Bible talks about fallen angels who were so attracted to mortal women that they came to earth to have sex with them.

Although these spirits are considered sexless, there are three kinds: the incubus male who preys on women, the succubus female who preys on men, and the mare who sits on the person's chest causing them to stop breathing or choke. Most people do not believe and some classify them under the "unexplained." Personally, I would say that I have encountered all three.

 

Nightmare by Henri Fuseli

 

Some people say that if you are a Christian that these things cannot possibly happen to you, but demons are part of the good and evil in this world. They can be attracted to anybody, no matter what your religion or lack of religion is.

I have had an incubus ever since I was a little girl. I do not know if he came to me because I was raped when I was five years old. They say a nightmare is the body's attempt to cope with a traumatic experience. A friend of mine told me that the reason why I was raped at that time is, because there was a little girl who was raped at the exact same location years before I was. I have yet to go to the cemetary to look for her. I do not know who she is. All I know is that we were about the same age. I am going to my daddy's grave this weekend, so I have it in mind to go look for her, because it is a few miles from there.

I catch my lover watching me all the time. Sometimes,  during the day, I feel him touching my shoulder or some part of my body or I catch a glimpse of him like a dash of white light, but mostly, I feel him at night. My mother used to complain about me making sexual noises in my sleep when I was a little girl.I used to see a dent on the bed when he would join me in bed. I couldnt see what he looked like, but I could feel his heavy body on top of me and I could feel actual penetration as he was making love to me in the darkness of the night. He still comes to me, but it happens so often that most of the time, I will sleep through it or I will awaken anywhere from 3 a.m. to 4:30 a.m., angry that he woke me up again.

Sometimes, I would wake up with bruises all over my body and I didnt know why. Someone told me that it sounded as if he might have taken me through astral projection, which is mind traveling. Sometimes I wonder if it was traveling into the past or if it was in the present. I would say the bruises were more intense from 1988 to 1990, but I still wake up with bruises from time to time.

It is very hard to talk to people about my Incubus. Most people do not understand, so I usually do not talk about it. Usually, I try to ignore him, and try to live my life as "normal" as possible.

You might ask why I would want to get rid of a demon lover if he is able to fulfill my sexual needs. I would say this demon enjoys seeing me have sex with other people, but he is a jealous lover. He wants me all to himself, and he will drive men away if there is any possibility of a relationship that runs deeper than just sex. 

       

The last etching above looks as if the woman is looking at her body being violated, but she cannot do anything to stop it. I think this is the sadest of all the pictures.

When I moved to North Dakota, he was there. When I moved back to Texas, he was there. There is no escape.

 

I often find myself yelling at him to get off. I have asked him who he is, but he laughs and he wont tell me his name. It's like a game for him. It surprises me that he gets startled when I yell at him. It's as if he realizes that I have a will and a mind of my own. Sometimes, I wonder if he stays with me, because I entertain him by telling him off. Sometimes, I wonder if he stays, because he has been with me for so long that he cant take NO for an answer.

He thinks he is funny sometimes, and he will cause things to fall or he will cause me to drop things or trip over myself. It's as if he is saying, "I'm still here. You havent gotten rid of me yet."

I have confronted him many times, and I have asked him to leave in the name of Jesus. I obtained the exorcism rites and I have performed them. I do not know if he leaves for a little while and comes back. All I know is that he has never really gone away.

If you want details about how to do cast out demons or the exorcism rites, I will have to put them in another entry. I suspect that I really should recite them more often. 

Sex is a type of appetite. I think a healthy sex life is very important, but there are factors that prevent people from seeking a healthy sex life, especially when it is labeled as a sin. All our lives we are told that sex is bad but when those comments are validated with a traumatic experience like rape and incest, finding someone to love you past the hurt becomes more difficult.

I think I eat more when I do not have a sexual partner, but I am not the kind of person who can settle for a one night stand. Although some people might not understand this entry, it is important to keep in mind that this part of my journey is very important because many eating disorders are a result of past sexual abuse.

In the book of Tobit (in the Bible), the Archangel Raphael accompanies Tobias on a journey where he finds his true love. But Sarah is tortured by a demon who killed her seven husbands before Sarah had a chance to consumate any of the marriages. But the angel Raphael instructs Tobias to take the heart and the liver of a fish and put it on incense to drive the demon away, so Tobias does this and the demon leaves Sarah and they are able to consumate their marriage.

This is the only thing I have not tried, not because Ihavent thought about it, but because I havent been able to get a fish with all the guts still inside. When you ask people about it, they become too curious. Maybe I should take up fishing.

This entry is dedicated to the person who has gone through my entire journal. I hope I answered your questions.