The Childhood Tapes

    "When I was a little girl, nobody ever told me I was pretty. Every little girl should be told she is pretty, even if she is not." ~Marilyn Monroe

Norma Jeanne's childhood was a series of destructive tapes, tapes of abandonment, child abuse, and low self-esteem. It was not until she became Marilyn Monroe that the public made her feel loved, but Marilyn never forgot the tapes in her head.

Norma Jeanne and I have a lot in common, and like Marilyn Monroe, it was my career and the public that made me feel as if I had something to give to the world. My career helps to pay the bills, but most important, it helps me to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, this year I was placed with a principal that is just as hateful as my mother. To have my mother and my job lower my self esteem has become a bit much.

When we are children, we are told stories of love, of prince charming and how our lives will suddenly become a happy-ever-after story when we get married, but when I was married, I never felt special. I was his maid, his sexual release, his servant. I was a good wife and I was a good mother, but he treated me more like a piece of property.

I have never had any man love me for myself. Men always wanted me for my body or for what I could do for them. My independence attracted them. My beauty attracted them. They used me and took advantage of me but they never took the time to know me. They never took the time to just love me. Like Marilyn, I am just a girl who wants to be loved, but because of my life experiences, I am afraid. 

In my 52 years, I am still a virgin to love. I have yet to discover what true love is all about, but I am afraid of becoming too comfortable within these mental walls that I have created for myself. Yes, these walls are only made of Glass and they are invisible to the naked eye, but I know they are there. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of allowing myself to trust another man into my world. I would like to know what love is, but I am content to stay in my comfort zone, no matter how quiet my world may be.

Is it any wonder that my body is afraid to GET THIN? I know that I need to get over it, but I continue to struggle to get past the hurt. My mother and the men who have walked into my life have filled my mind with the most destructive tapes. I choose not to listen to them, but my heart knows.

                             

                                    

Was coming to the Valley a big mistake or was it a reason to force me to look at things that I didnt want to look at? I wish I could just pack up and leave, but when I look at all the things I have in my apartment, it makes me wonder if I am choosing to live in my misery or if it just isnt the right time to leave. Is this a lesson that I need to learn for myself or is this a lesson that my mother needs to learn?

I dont know why it helps to be so far away from my mother, but it does. Living only an hour away from her is just too close for comfort. What is this stronghold that my mother has on me? Why do I listen to her hateful words? She always makes me feel as if I am not worthy and my heart cries for a chance to prove her wrong, but nothing that I do ever wins her approval. If I have a nice place to live, if I have running water, if I have a bed to sleep in, in her eyes, it is wrong to have all these simple everyday things that other people have, because I should be living as a marter. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to have a boyfriend. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to show happiness. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to show wisdom. What is it that makes her hate me so?

Living with a hard mother has taught me many life lessons that most people have not experienced. I am grateful for the things that I have learned, but I have yet to find an answer as to why my mother chooses not to be supportive and why she hates me so.

I wish my father was alive so that I could ask him. Was she always like this or did he witness another side of her? Father's day is tomorrow. I need to go to his grave and take him some flowers. I can only imagine how different my life would have been if it had been my father who survived my mother. And then the question comes... will my mother die before I do or will I die before my mother does? If she should die before I do, will her words die with her or will her words continue to play in my head?

I came to the Valley, because my mother and my brother had not talked in 15 years. It took me two years to get them to reconcile because my brother found it very hard to forgive her and also because my mother kept treating him like he is 5 years old. My brother has never married, and my mother still feels that she needs to take care of him, but she knows that I can take care of myself because I always have. When my father died, he told her to take care of me. I wonder if she feels guilty because I never needed her help to take care of myself. When I came to the Valley, I hoped to finally have a good relationship with my mother. I dont need for her to take care of me, but I wanted to be able to finally make some memories with her. What I got instead was confirmation that I am damaged goods. Yes, coming to the Valley only helped to destroy the strong self esteem that I had while I was far away from my mother.

The Woman in the Glass Box is almost faded now. She used to be so full of life, so energetic. I miss being the woman that I was. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss her.

"How much more time must I wait, my lady?" The clock keeps on ticking away the minutes, the hours, the years... 

Surely, the Woman in the Glass Box is more important than the words of an evil Queen.

                                  

If I can lose this weight that I have gained because I am in the Valley, while I am in the Valley, then I will have accomplished my goal of surviving my mother's hatred and I will get past the pain. When that happens, her hatred will no longer be able to touch me, and I will be able to break free from the Glass Box.

                                  

I am the Woman in the Glass Box. I have a right to love and to be loved. I have a right to be here.

 

 Win