Reflections of Journal 88

  

detail of Putti from painting: Diane et Endymoin by Annibale Carraci

 

Yesterday's entry was very powerful. I want to thank everybody who left kind words there, for choosing to love me unconditionally, and for wanting to adopt me. Your kind words mean a lot.

 

Today, God has directed my path to my first entry. I was surprised to find it online, because in the beginning, it somehow disappeared from my journal. Reflecting on this entry surprised me to discover that I was a part of history in the making, because my journal was journal number 88 on AOL, one of the very first journals of AOL. Wow! It also surprises me to see that when I began this journey, my goal was to weigh 128. At this point, any weightloss would be good! This is not a great entry, but it was my first entry.

 

I am having difficulty trying to make this entry sit right, but I will leave it as is. The ALL ABOUT ME weightloss dates were added as I was losing weight. In June of 2004, however, my weight escalated after the breakup of a short-lived romance. I have had difficulty getting back on track since 2004. Sad; isnt it?

 

That last breakup was not about losing the guy. It was about men continuing to use me as a sex object, a problem I have had since I lost my virginity at the age of five. I just got tired of being used, and I chose to hide behind the weight. Add to that a lot of criticism about my weight from my mother! Wow! No wonder my body chose to rebel!

 

In spite of multiple health problems, I can see how goal oriented I was before I met that guy. God help me to become as goal oriented as I was before I met that loser. I know that God directed me to this entry on purpose. I am grateful that God allowed me to reflect on my own success. I am grateful that God allowed me to reflect on the success of Journal 88. I pray that this reflection will become My Moment, the moment that helps to get me back on track.......

 

88. Written by winivere2002 on Saturday, September 27, 2003 at 9:22:00 AM CDT

Chapter 1: The Magic Pills

Every year, there is a new trend at work. The odd thing is that I am usually the one who sets the trend, not such a hard thing to do in a location where the women have no fashion sense, but this year, women have been going to Mexico to get diet pills. Amazing to see how fast they are losing weight and how women who were twice their size are now so skinny. Another woman got her stomach stapled. Those women are now half their size. 

Seeing all these women lose 50-100+ lbs makes me feel like I have failed myself. 

I tried the pills for two weeks and tried to stick to their strict diet, but it's pretty expensive to keep up with. Because I fell in January this year, I started getting injections in my back and the injections cause you to gain weight. I am presently tipping the scale @ 190 lbs, much too much for my small 4'11" frame. I guess I might not do so bad if I DID lose 100 lbs but I dont want to get that skinny. I also have thyroid problems, IBS, and acid-reflux, and because of the fall, I have not been able to stay standing longer than 10 minutes. That makes it hard because I have to walk so much at work and I have to do presentations.

Basically, I have been fighting not to gain, but my goal is to be my slim self again. 

Going the magic pill route is not a good plan for me right now, financially or physically. Besides, it is always best to do a life change instead of an instant change that might not last.

All About Me

Goal:128LBS...   09/27/03:190LBS 01/01/04:183LBS 04/04/04:146LBS 06/20/04:153LBS      

 

This journal is dedicated to the Woman in the Glass Box, the slim me who lives within myself. Will she continue to wait until she becomes nothing more than a memory of what might have been or will I allow her to break out of the Glass Box and become a part of my world?

The purpose of my journal is to inspire and to be inspired. Revealing your true self is hard, but I hope my journey will help me to find the support that I need and I hope that my journey will help others to find their way.