Once Upon a Dream

I havent been able to dream in a long time, but early Saturday morning, I awakened remembering that I had met someone new in my dreams. Before I forget, I need to write it in my journal.

The man in my dreams seemed too good to be true. He was able to carry a good conversation (very important) and there were times when I caught myself laughing in my sleep. And then, I felt shy and bashful, like I do when I like someone. I lifted my eyes and took a really good look at him. Somehow my heart just knew that he was the one.

I wonder if a new love is coming into my life or if it just a secret desire of my heart. I am so used to living by myself. Will I be able to open my heart to love?

While I am sleeping, I usually feel the presence of someone watching me, but this past week, I sensed something very unusual. I actually heard people/spirits talking while I was sleeping. I couldnt tell what they were saying, but it's as if one of them was giving the other one orders, and I felt as if they were talking about me. I felt startled, but I didnt wake up. Instead, I went off into a restful sleep. I hope I am not becoming schizophrenic! This happened on Wednesday, the first day of summer. I wonder if it was just the summer heat.  

I didnt pay much attention when it happened, except that it happened again this morning. As I lay sleeping, I saw an old woman talking to someone. I think it was the same person who was giving orders on Wednesday. The old woman was wearing a housedress and an apron. I wish I had been able to make out the colors. I think I dream in black and white. Anyways, she said something to him and then she put my hand in hers, picked up my hand, and pulled me up by the hand as she told me, "OK, mijita. Let's get up." I could feel her lifting my hand, and when I awakened, my hand was lifted up in the air. It felt very unusual, but I woke up smiling.

It felt as if these spirits were helping me. I wonder if they are protecting me against the incubus. I wonder if they are ancestors. I wonder if they were really there or if I was just dreaming really loud.

I havent done anything but eat, sleep, and mess up my apartment this weekend. I feel guilty about not doing anything. I have been feeling so lethargic. I wonder if this feeling is because I am worried about my work. I am afraid that I wont be able to complete my work at the other campus on time. The people will be on vacation this week. I went last week to get my papers but the building was locked and the lights were off. There were lots of cars but nobody answered the door. I must make an effort to see if I can get in. 

Just a Note

I havent been feeling very well, but I am still working. I tried to weigh-in the other day and discovered that my scale died. It must have gotten tired waiting for me to do something about my weight.

Thanks for stopping by. I see you all are still entering lots and lots of entries. I will try to catch up on visiting your journals as soon as I can.

 Thanks for your love and support.

Father's Day 2006

                      

Father's Day is always a sad time for me, because my father is in heaven.

I wish I had known what it is like to sit on my daddy's lap. I wish I had known what it is like to have my daddy wrap his arms of love and protection around me. I wish I had known what it is like to ask daddy when mommy says no. I wish I had known what it is like to have my daddy in my life.

My daddy was a wise man beyond his years. He was a man of great strength and integrity. He fought in the Korean War as a sargeant in the United States Army. He was the first person in our family to go to college, which was unheard of for a latino of the 50's. Many people looked up to my father for the kind of man that he was.

My dad was a great artist. He was a carpenter. He was a barber. He was a bartender. He was a musician. My father grew up without his mother. I grew up without my dad.

My father died of leukemia in the veteran's hospital in Houston, Texas, at the age of 25. I was three years old.

It matters not how long a star shines. What is remembered is the brightness of the light.

Daddy, I cannot begin to tell you what my life has been like without you. I hope that when you think of me, you are smiling down from heaven at the woman that you hoped I would become.

You don't have to worry And don't you be afraid Joy comes in the morning, Troubles they don't last always For there's a friend named Jesus Who will wipe your tears away. And if your heart is broken Just lift your hands and say Oh! I know that I can make it I know that I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands With Jesus I can take it, With him I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands So when your test and trials, they seem to get you down And all your friends and loved ones Are nowhere to be found Remember there's a friend named Jesus Who will wipe your tears away And if your heart is broken Just lift your hands and say... I know that I can make it! Heb 13:5 ... for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee

   

"Life" with an Incubus

   

The Bible talks about fallen angels who were so attracted to mortal women that they came to earth to have sex with them.

Although these spirits are considered sexless, there are three kinds: the incubus male who preys on women, the succubus female who preys on men, and the mare who sits on the person's chest causing them to stop breathing or choke. Most people do not believe and some classify them under the "unexplained." Personally, I would say that I have encountered all three.

 

Nightmare by Henri Fuseli

 

Some people say that if you are a Christian that these things cannot possibly happen to you, but demons are part of the good and evil in this world. They can be attracted to anybody, no matter what your religion or lack of religion is.

I have had an incubus ever since I was a little girl. I do not know if he came to me because I was raped when I was five years old. They say a nightmare is the body's attempt to cope with a traumatic experience. A friend of mine told me that the reason why I was raped at that time is, because there was a little girl who was raped at the exact same location years before I was. I have yet to go to the cemetary to look for her. I do not know who she is. All I know is that we were about the same age. I am going to my daddy's grave this weekend, so I have it in mind to go look for her, because it is a few miles from there.

I catch my lover watching me all the time. Sometimes,  during the day, I feel him touching my shoulder or some part of my body or I catch a glimpse of him like a dash of white light, but mostly, I feel him at night. My mother used to complain about me making sexual noises in my sleep when I was a little girl.I used to see a dent on the bed when he would join me in bed. I couldnt see what he looked like, but I could feel his heavy body on top of me and I could feel actual penetration as he was making love to me in the darkness of the night. He still comes to me, but it happens so often that most of the time, I will sleep through it or I will awaken anywhere from 3 a.m. to 4:30 a.m., angry that he woke me up again.

Sometimes, I would wake up with bruises all over my body and I didnt know why. Someone told me that it sounded as if he might have taken me through astral projection, which is mind traveling. Sometimes I wonder if it was traveling into the past or if it was in the present. I would say the bruises were more intense from 1988 to 1990, but I still wake up with bruises from time to time.

It is very hard to talk to people about my Incubus. Most people do not understand, so I usually do not talk about it. Usually, I try to ignore him, and try to live my life as "normal" as possible.

You might ask why I would want to get rid of a demon lover if he is able to fulfill my sexual needs. I would say this demon enjoys seeing me have sex with other people, but he is a jealous lover. He wants me all to himself, and he will drive men away if there is any possibility of a relationship that runs deeper than just sex. 

       

The last etching above looks as if the woman is looking at her body being violated, but she cannot do anything to stop it. I think this is the sadest of all the pictures.

When I moved to North Dakota, he was there. When I moved back to Texas, he was there. There is no escape.

 

I often find myself yelling at him to get off. I have asked him who he is, but he laughs and he wont tell me his name. It's like a game for him. It surprises me that he gets startled when I yell at him. It's as if he realizes that I have a will and a mind of my own. Sometimes, I wonder if he stays with me, because I entertain him by telling him off. Sometimes, I wonder if he stays, because he has been with me for so long that he cant take NO for an answer.

He thinks he is funny sometimes, and he will cause things to fall or he will cause me to drop things or trip over myself. It's as if he is saying, "I'm still here. You havent gotten rid of me yet."

I have confronted him many times, and I have asked him to leave in the name of Jesus. I obtained the exorcism rites and I have performed them. I do not know if he leaves for a little while and comes back. All I know is that he has never really gone away.

If you want details about how to do cast out demons or the exorcism rites, I will have to put them in another entry. I suspect that I really should recite them more often. 

Sex is a type of appetite. I think a healthy sex life is very important, but there are factors that prevent people from seeking a healthy sex life, especially when it is labeled as a sin. All our lives we are told that sex is bad but when those comments are validated with a traumatic experience like rape and incest, finding someone to love you past the hurt becomes more difficult.

I think I eat more when I do not have a sexual partner, but I am not the kind of person who can settle for a one night stand. Although some people might not understand this entry, it is important to keep in mind that this part of my journey is very important because many eating disorders are a result of past sexual abuse.

In the book of Tobit (in the Bible), the Archangel Raphael accompanies Tobias on a journey where he finds his true love. But Sarah is tortured by a demon who killed her seven husbands before Sarah had a chance to consumate any of the marriages. But the angel Raphael instructs Tobias to take the heart and the liver of a fish and put it on incense to drive the demon away, so Tobias does this and the demon leaves Sarah and they are able to consumate their marriage.

This is the only thing I have not tried, not because Ihavent thought about it, but because I havent been able to get a fish with all the guts still inside. When you ask people about it, they become too curious. Maybe I should take up fishing.

This entry is dedicated to the person who has gone through my entire journal. I hope I answered your questions.

The Glass Castle

          

Glass Castle, painting by Ellenshaw Giclee

"It's not the size of the wand... It's the magic it holds."

                            

Laughing to myself about the "wand," remembering that size does matter! (smile) 

Devoting today to house cleaning, no matter how little or how much progress I do today.

 Fairy Godmother Baby Steps:

Setting my timer to clean at 30 minute intervals with breaks in between. No time wasting decisions for today. Just put like items together.

Note to Missy:

I have not forgotten your question. I have priorities for today, but I will write about it as soon as I can.

 

Accepting The Magic of the Woman Inside Myself

                                                

"The honorary duty of a human being is to love.
I am human and nothing human can be alien to me."

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just whymy head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

             

TheGlassBox Reflections

More reflections from my past... I was looking for this painting in my journal, but this entry is something that I didnt expect to find. I will add it to today's entry to remind myself of progress past and add some notes at the bottom.

Chapter 1: 09/27/03:190LBS (Physically unable to stand 10 min); 10/13/03:Lost 9.75" on BodyFlex+.

Chapter 2: 01/01/04:183LBS; 01/30/04:157LBS/ ClothesTooBig; 02/04/04:Walked 7miles; 04/04/04: 146LBS; Plateau, Heart Problems, Painful Joints, Problems Walking, BurnOut.

Chapter 3: Starting Over... Weight: 153LBS. Have gained 7LBS with this burn out. Need to retrain myself to think thin...

STEP ONE: Truth/ Acceptance/ Gratitude/ Forgiveness/ Committment.

TOOLS NEEDED: Scale, Calendar, Full-Length Mirror, Childhood Picture, Journal.

DIRECTIONS: Weigh self. Write weight on calendar. Stand naked in front of full-length mirror and take a good look at your body, front and back. Thank your body for what it has done for you so far. Apologize to your body for what you have done to it. Take time to say goodbye to the pounds you are about to lose. Ask your body to be patient with you as you start your journey one more time. Get dressed. Take your childhood picture and put it in a nice frame where you can see it everyday. Bless the child you used to be. Hug the child and nurture her as if she were your little girl. That little girl deserves to be loved and she deserves to be happy. Commit to helping her to find her way. Keep track of your progress in your journal, adding visual aids and affirmations.

Late entry: Still having problems with hip joints, but was able to slowly walk one mile. Better to walk slowly than not to walk at all. Thank you, Lord, for helping me to walk tonight.

TODAY'S NOTE:

Mirror Therapy has always been an invaluable tool for me when it comes to weightloss. Looking at my reflection lately has been intolerable, however. I know I need to stand up and force myself to look at my reflection. The mirrors in my apartment (except for one) reflect only from the neck up. I took my full-length mirror and put it in the hall. I am forcing myself to see the truth of my reality. Being fat will not go away by itself. I have to take notice of what I have become. I have to take notice of what other people see when they look at me, no matter how scary that may be.

Mental Note: I have gained 22 more pounds since that entry of June 20, 2004. Today is June 12, 2006. That is two years later. Look at all the 2's! I suppose an extra 22 lbs is not a lot to gain in two years, but it's about stopping this roller coaster ride of regaining the pounds I lose over and over again. I would swear I must have lost over 1,000 lbs already, going up and down that scale.

When I wrote that entry, I was listening to Gloria Gaynor's "I WILL SURVIVE." Yes, I know I will survive this fat war, because I am living proof that it can be done. How many times have I proved the doctors wrong?! Yes, I am living proof that IT CAN BE DONE! 

It's time to take up a new chapter, Win. You are never a failure until you stop trying.

Reflections of Journal 88

  

detail of Putti from painting: Diane et Endymoin by Annibale Carraci

 

Yesterday's entry was very powerful. I want to thank everybody who left kind words there, for choosing to love me unconditionally, and for wanting to adopt me. Your kind words mean a lot.

 

Today, God has directed my path to my first entry. I was surprised to find it online, because in the beginning, it somehow disappeared from my journal. Reflecting on this entry surprised me to discover that I was a part of history in the making, because my journal was journal number 88 on AOL, one of the very first journals of AOL. Wow! It also surprises me to see that when I began this journey, my goal was to weigh 128. At this point, any weightloss would be good! This is not a great entry, but it was my first entry.

 

I am having difficulty trying to make this entry sit right, but I will leave it as is. The ALL ABOUT ME weightloss dates were added as I was losing weight. In June of 2004, however, my weight escalated after the breakup of a short-lived romance. I have had difficulty getting back on track since 2004. Sad; isnt it?

 

That last breakup was not about losing the guy. It was about men continuing to use me as a sex object, a problem I have had since I lost my virginity at the age of five. I just got tired of being used, and I chose to hide behind the weight. Add to that a lot of criticism about my weight from my mother! Wow! No wonder my body chose to rebel!

 

In spite of multiple health problems, I can see how goal oriented I was before I met that guy. God help me to become as goal oriented as I was before I met that loser. I know that God directed me to this entry on purpose. I am grateful that God allowed me to reflect on my own success. I am grateful that God allowed me to reflect on the success of Journal 88. I pray that this reflection will become My Moment, the moment that helps to get me back on track.......

 

88. Written by winivere2002 on Saturday, September 27, 2003 at 9:22:00 AM CDT

Chapter 1: The Magic Pills

Every year, there is a new trend at work. The odd thing is that I am usually the one who sets the trend, not such a hard thing to do in a location where the women have no fashion sense, but this year, women have been going to Mexico to get diet pills. Amazing to see how fast they are losing weight and how women who were twice their size are now so skinny. Another woman got her stomach stapled. Those women are now half their size. 

Seeing all these women lose 50-100+ lbs makes me feel like I have failed myself. 

I tried the pills for two weeks and tried to stick to their strict diet, but it's pretty expensive to keep up with. Because I fell in January this year, I started getting injections in my back and the injections cause you to gain weight. I am presently tipping the scale @ 190 lbs, much too much for my small 4'11" frame. I guess I might not do so bad if I DID lose 100 lbs but I dont want to get that skinny. I also have thyroid problems, IBS, and acid-reflux, and because of the fall, I have not been able to stay standing longer than 10 minutes. That makes it hard because I have to walk so much at work and I have to do presentations.

Basically, I have been fighting not to gain, but my goal is to be my slim self again. 

Going the magic pill route is not a good plan for me right now, financially or physically. Besides, it is always best to do a life change instead of an instant change that might not last.

All About Me

Goal:128LBS...   09/27/03:190LBS 01/01/04:183LBS 04/04/04:146LBS 06/20/04:153LBS      

 

This journal is dedicated to the Woman in the Glass Box, the slim me who lives within myself. Will she continue to wait until she becomes nothing more than a memory of what might have been or will I allow her to break out of the Glass Box and become a part of my world?

The purpose of my journal is to inspire and to be inspired. Revealing your true self is hard, but I hope my journey will help me to find the support that I need and I hope that my journey will help others to find their way.

 

The Childhood Tapes

    "When I was a little girl, nobody ever told me I was pretty. Every little girl should be told she is pretty, even if she is not." ~Marilyn Monroe

Norma Jeanne's childhood was a series of destructive tapes, tapes of abandonment, child abuse, and low self-esteem. It was not until she became Marilyn Monroe that the public made her feel loved, but Marilyn never forgot the tapes in her head.

Norma Jeanne and I have a lot in common, and like Marilyn Monroe, it was my career and the public that made me feel as if I had something to give to the world. My career helps to pay the bills, but most important, it helps me to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, this year I was placed with a principal that is just as hateful as my mother. To have my mother and my job lower my self esteem has become a bit much.

When we are children, we are told stories of love, of prince charming and how our lives will suddenly become a happy-ever-after story when we get married, but when I was married, I never felt special. I was his maid, his sexual release, his servant. I was a good wife and I was a good mother, but he treated me more like a piece of property.

I have never had any man love me for myself. Men always wanted me for my body or for what I could do for them. My independence attracted them. My beauty attracted them. They used me and took advantage of me but they never took the time to know me. They never took the time to just love me. Like Marilyn, I am just a girl who wants to be loved, but because of my life experiences, I am afraid. 

In my 52 years, I am still a virgin to love. I have yet to discover what true love is all about, but I am afraid of becoming too comfortable within these mental walls that I have created for myself. Yes, these walls are only made of Glass and they are invisible to the naked eye, but I know they are there. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of allowing myself to trust another man into my world. I would like to know what love is, but I am content to stay in my comfort zone, no matter how quiet my world may be.

Is it any wonder that my body is afraid to GET THIN? I know that I need to get over it, but I continue to struggle to get past the hurt. My mother and the men who have walked into my life have filled my mind with the most destructive tapes. I choose not to listen to them, but my heart knows.

                             

                                    

Was coming to the Valley a big mistake or was it a reason to force me to look at things that I didnt want to look at? I wish I could just pack up and leave, but when I look at all the things I have in my apartment, it makes me wonder if I am choosing to live in my misery or if it just isnt the right time to leave. Is this a lesson that I need to learn for myself or is this a lesson that my mother needs to learn?

I dont know why it helps to be so far away from my mother, but it does. Living only an hour away from her is just too close for comfort. What is this stronghold that my mother has on me? Why do I listen to her hateful words? She always makes me feel as if I am not worthy and my heart cries for a chance to prove her wrong, but nothing that I do ever wins her approval. If I have a nice place to live, if I have running water, if I have a bed to sleep in, in her eyes, it is wrong to have all these simple everyday things that other people have, because I should be living as a marter. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to have a boyfriend. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to show happiness. In her eyes, it is wrong for me to show wisdom. What is it that makes her hate me so?

Living with a hard mother has taught me many life lessons that most people have not experienced. I am grateful for the things that I have learned, but I have yet to find an answer as to why my mother chooses not to be supportive and why she hates me so.

I wish my father was alive so that I could ask him. Was she always like this or did he witness another side of her? Father's day is tomorrow. I need to go to his grave and take him some flowers. I can only imagine how different my life would have been if it had been my father who survived my mother. And then the question comes... will my mother die before I do or will I die before my mother does? If she should die before I do, will her words die with her or will her words continue to play in my head?

I came to the Valley, because my mother and my brother had not talked in 15 years. It took me two years to get them to reconcile because my brother found it very hard to forgive her and also because my mother kept treating him like he is 5 years old. My brother has never married, and my mother still feels that she needs to take care of him, but she knows that I can take care of myself because I always have. When my father died, he told her to take care of me. I wonder if she feels guilty because I never needed her help to take care of myself. When I came to the Valley, I hoped to finally have a good relationship with my mother. I dont need for her to take care of me, but I wanted to be able to finally make some memories with her. What I got instead was confirmation that I am damaged goods. Yes, coming to the Valley only helped to destroy the strong self esteem that I had while I was far away from my mother.

The Woman in the Glass Box is almost faded now. She used to be so full of life, so energetic. I miss being the woman that I was. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss her.

"How much more time must I wait, my lady?" The clock keeps on ticking away the minutes, the hours, the years... 

Surely, the Woman in the Glass Box is more important than the words of an evil Queen.

                                  

If I can lose this weight that I have gained because I am in the Valley, while I am in the Valley, then I will have accomplished my goal of surviving my mother's hatred and I will get past the pain. When that happens, her hatred will no longer be able to touch me, and I will be able to break free from the Glass Box.

                                  

I am the Woman in the Glass Box. I have a right to love and to be loved. I have a right to be here.

 

 Win

Weigh-In

  Weight: 175 lbs. I lost 2 lbs this week?! I have been having such a hard time getting motivated. I have been having such a hard time staying focused. I have been having such a hard time sticking to a diet. I hope that scale ain't lying! 

Win =.)

Learning to Live Again

 

   

 

 

   

             

 

 

     

A child saw a worm laboriously crawling along the floor. The worm had somehow been in­jured. The back part of the worm was dead and dried up, but it was still attached to the front living part by a thin thread.  The poor worm was pulling its dead half across the floor. The little girl ran in and picked it up, and then she said, "Oh, Oscar, when are you going to lose that dead part so you can really live?"

 

 

This story was my friend Mary's moment. I am still waiting for My Moment. What will it take to convince myself that I need to let go of the dead part?

 

 XOXO, Win =.)

 

"Waisted" Time

  Weight: 177 lbs. Seventeen months after my last weigh-in, I have only gained 1/2 a pound, but I havent lost any weight, either! All of that time is showing on my waist. I have "waisted" too much time! The Woman in the Glass Box seems almost faded now. She looks at me and asks: How much more time must I wait, my lady?

And yet, I must confess that my waistline was so much bigger last month. Drinking milk appears to be helping to bring an indention into my waistline and my clothes dont fit as tight. I hate not being able to breathe in my own clothes. 

Being on a diet for so long just made me give up. My body cried for a break from dieting. Is two years a long enough break?!! Why is it so hard to get motivated this time?

Reading through my old entries, I am disappointed that all the hours I spent putting pretty pictures into my journal was in vain, because most of them are gone. Reading through other weightloss journals has been helping me to feel a little more motivated, but what will happen when I open the refrigerator door?

And the Woman in the Glass Box asks: How much more time must I wait, my lady?

Win =.)

Youve Always Had It

                         

The magic is not in the ruby red slippers, Dorothy. The magic is You. You've always had it.

                                          ~Glenda, the Good Witch of the North

It doesnt matter how many witches come into my life. The magic is inside myself, and I have always had it!

 Win =.)