The Castle

TV on the floor and surrounded by all the "leftover stuff" that has yet to find a "home," it is already Thursday and I am still sitting in all this mess. Yes, at the moment, it is very hard for me to picture my home as my castle.

Everyday, I leave to go to work and I wonder if today be the day that the landlady sends someone to do pest control or to check my apartment.  And then I wonder if "he" should knock on my door today, what would he think to find me surrounded by all this mess?! Unfortunately, my life is in the same mess as my apartment. 

I think about all those people who have no problem moving things around every week. I think about all those people who can clean a whole house in a few hours. I used to be one of those people. What has happened to me? I just dont have the energy anymore. Oh, God, I dont want to turn into my mother!

My furniture was okay the way it was arranged, but as odd as this sounds, I didnt like the way it made me feel. Does furniture arrangement really change your life?! I know that when I had the desk in the bedroom, I had my goals up where I could look at them every day, and even though it was very crowded, I was much more organized. When I moved the desk into the living room, everything changed. I found myself spending too much time in front of the TV. I found myself feeling so tired, that sometimes, I would fall asleep watching TV, and that is something that I have never done before. 

And so, even though it is already Thursday, I am still working on this room, moving things around one day at a time. When I moved the desk and the bookcase, I thought, what are you thinking?! This is so much work and the floor is not level, but as I sat behind the desk, I fell in love with all of the space behind me. Someway, somehow, I have to try to make this work.

Although I wanted the sofa to face the window, it just didnt work to have it that way, and so I moved that big piece of furniture again and again and again. Each and every time, I sat at the sofa and judged at how the placement made me feel. After several tries, I finally found a place for it, but will it work and will this be the best use of space? And so, as stupid a goal this might seem to someone else, I continue to take this goal one day at a time. 

I wish I had better furniture. I wish I had more space to work with. I wish I had my own home instead of having to rent an apartment, but my reality is that I need to work with what I have and I need to find what works for me.

Setting goals for myself gives me something to strive for. Little successes build on my self-esteem. Little successes motivate me to try for even greater things. This is not just about rearranging my furniture. This is about simplifying my life and that will help to make my life a little easier.

                                     

Unfortunately, once again, my need for survival has taken over my life. I hate when that happens, because it sets everything else on the back burner. How long have I put love on the back burner?! That one has jumped onto a completely different stove! For now, my biggest priority is my job. Because we have become computerizedat work, I have to enter everything from September until now by Spring Break. Needless to say, I am very stressed, and I have a pimple on my forehead to prove it.

Being overweight is not about food. Being overweight only covers up my suffering. Although I have been through hell and back more times than I can remember, I have survived more things than most people can handle, and it was those hard times that made me the strong woman that I am today. 

I am capable of reaching my goals. I am capable of being victorious. I am capable of accomplishing great things. Losing weight is within my reach.   

Win will win. =.)