Freedom Of Solitude

 

It amazes me that I have been

without a boyfriend for ten years.

It really doesn’t seem that long

until you take the time to count!

I just went into my little shell

and I buried myself behind the fat.

Yes, I buried myself

behind the walls of GLASS…

this place I call The Glass Box…

I lost the weight,

and then,

I gained back the weight

when a very wicked man

was only after my body…

again…

I do not know if I am ready

to accept a man in my life…

I am so used to being by myself.

Not to have to answer to anyone is really nice...

Being able to just hang out in my apartment

without makeup or clothes

gives me such great freedom

to just be myself.

If I were to accept a man into my world,

it would mean that

I would have to give up a lot

and if I pick Mr. Wrong,

I would also have to put up

with his annoying habits and quirks.

I have been in love,

but I have never had anyone love me back.

They only wanted to be with me

because of my body

or because of what I had

or because of what they thought

they could have

if they were with me.

I cannot say that I have closed my heart to love,

but how do you find that spark?

To be with someone who does not

make me feel that spark

would never be enough

for me to be with him.

Although I am grateful to be a mother,

my children were not conceived in love,

and it hurts that I was not able

to give my children

a good father.

Being raped as a child and as a woman

is hard.

They fail to see the person within.

They say that when you fall in love,

everything changes…

All I know is that if

true love should happen to me

this late in my life,

it would be a miracle.

He would have to be a really great person

for me to allow myself to say goodbye

to the freedom of my solitude,

for I would rather be alone

than to be

the Bride of Chucky.

In the meantime,

a little playful flirting

does not hurt…

I love flirting...

I guess it is

because I do not expect it

to go anywhere.

Is it any wonder that I am still fat?!#