Looking @ The Picture

                                            

I love this picture, because it shows that the little girl is not alone. There is an angel sitting beside her. It reminds me of the nights that I used to sit on the roof, asking God to take my life. As a child, I had no idea what suicide was. All I knew was that I didn't want to be a part of the cruel sexual abuse that I experienced from family members. Yes, I asked God to take my life... and He did. =.)

Yesterday's plan was to empty my car from all the boxes that I have from my last job. My apartment is so hot. The air condition is not working properly. The heat has been so bad that I just didn't want to go outside to carry boxes up the stairs. I hope I will be able to bring them up today, but today is just as hot.

I spent most of my day yesterday thinking and reviewing the whole picture...

Losing my job is only a minor part of my problem. The root of the problem is "the spirit(s)." If I move, it will only be geography, because the spirit(s) will follow, but I still need to get rid of most of the clutter that I have accumulated within the last ten years of my life.

I went to the apartment office to pay the rent and the water bill. I asked the apartment manager about the prices for their sister apartments in Corpus Christi. She says she will call them to ask about rent prices. That will be a big help, although I know that it will be much more expensive to rent in Corpus. My lease expires July 31st. It would be nice to find a job in Corpus. It would be nice to finally leave the Valley.

I look around at my apartment at the ten years of clutter, shaking my head at all the work that I have ahead of me... all thewhile, thinking about the herniated disks in my back and having to go up and down the stairs carrying heavy things to and fro. This will be a very hard challenge for me.

One thing I know for sure is that I was making the mistake of thinking of housework as work. Housework should not just be about cleaning. It should be about turning your home into a haven, a place to refresh and renew yourself from the problems of the outside world and that includes getting rid of the clutter that is weighing you down!!! =.)

One thing that I did not expect is that I have made new friends online. I joined a new graphic group last Wednesday(?) My memory fades... sorry... I am not big on some of their graphics, but what I like most is that will put a little fun knowledge into my pocket. Last night, we went into a chatroom to learn about aromatherapy. It was very informative and a lot of fun. The room leader will be sending us more info by email.

This group put me in contact with someone who might be able to help me with the "spirit(s)." She is trying to help me from the bottom of her heart, no strings attached. The spirit was obviously looking over my shoulder, because I ran out of ink through three pens as I was trying to write down the spells. I lit a white candle for protection and the flame was super low, as if it could blow out at any minute.

The woman suggested a banishing spell, which I tried last night. For those of you who have been regular readers of my journal, you may remember that I did a banishing spell a few years ago. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I hope this one will work, but if the spirit(s) has been around for almost 50 years, I doubt that he will just disappear.  It would be so nice not to have to fight him anymore.

I also shared my experience when I was in Mexico back in 1984. I took a trip with a class from college. I don't remember how many days we were there, but it was an experience that I will never forget...

I was sitting with my college classmates, watchinga procession/ parade of El Nino Fidencio. The people carried large posters of the saint, played music and it was quite exciting to watch. Then, I saw a little boy wearing a mask. He was laughing and skipping like a little child would. He was wearing colorful Mexican clothes with a zarape across his shoulder and a straw hat on his head. Some people said that he is a medium for El Nino Fidencio. El Nino Fidencio is said to have had great healing powers and he was able to break spells of witchcraft. In the Valley, witchcraft is very common.

                                                  

I was just sitting there, watching, surprised that he should approach me. He was laughing as he leaned over to me and told me that "it was secrets of my mother." I never asked him any questions. I never told him anything. He just came up to me, knowing that he had a message to tell me. To this day, I do not know what he meant, but somehow I feel that my mother might hold the key to the reason for the spirit(s). What secrets does my mother have? Were my problems something that was meant for her but fell on me? Could it be that she tried to do a spell but was not knowledgable enough and it backfired?

The one moment when I remember my mother ever sharing a part of her life with me was when she pulled out a gardenia that still looked very well preserved. She told me that it was a flower that my father gave to another woman but the woman gave the flower to her. I do not know why she would share that story with me. She believes that someone put a spell on my father to make him die so young.

I suspect that my mother knew a little bit about witchcraft, because I have seen some items that came from those kinds of stores, mostly little bottles of potions. I do not believe, however, that she is very knowledgableabout them. Could she have tried to keep my father from another woman and lost him through death instead? Why does she have so much anger towards my father's stepmother?

                                                

In the picture above, this woman promised to give up her hair to El Nino Fidencio as a gesture of gratitude. These kinds of promises are not uncommon in the Valley. There are many woman who do not cut their hair because they made a promise to a saint to give them their hair if they help them to overcome a problem or an illness. Researching the internet, I found a man who is channeler of El Nino Fidencio. He lives a few miles away from where I am. It might not hurt to check him out.

Anyway, back to the story... The boy's gestures in the procession reminded me of the recurring dream that I had of myself as a child. I was wearing a white dress. I was smiling and skipping, and then, I was in shock to see a woman in black sitting in a chair with her face sobbing into her hands. I never saw that woman's face until I divorced the father of my children. It was my mother at my father's funeral. After I saw her face, I never had that dream again...

I also did a purification spell. I didn't really understand this one, except that the woman mentioned that it might be causes from a previous life or lives. I have often dreamed of being in Egypt. It's funny that about a year ago, someone told me that I was an Egyptian princess or queen in a previous life. How do you find out about your past lives?!

When I was sitting in the bathtub, I felt a cold shiver come over me. I don't know what that meant. It was also kind of frightening to see how all of the flames of the candles pointed towards my body. Why did they do that?! After I got out of the bath and I was brushing the tangles out of my wet hair, I noticed my shadow for the first time in over 30 years. Was the lighting different or can your shadow actually leave you? Was the shadow a sign of hope?

I remember being frightened by my shadow when I was a little girl, because it was so huge that it filled the entire ceiling and the room. I thank God that this shadow was not that dramatic, but if felt strange to see it, because I have not seen my shadow in a very long time.

                                                                                 

Earlier in the day, I did a general tarot reading. I really did not understand some of what it said, but after the purification spell, it made sense.

Today's HOROSCOPE:

Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

 Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22)

Your attention to detail can get in the way of what must happen now. Although it could take a leap of faith to leave loose ends untied, this will work out for the best. The more energy you put into specifics, the greater the demands become on your time. So step back to see the whole picture before deciding how to proceed.

 

That's funny. I think my horoscope is running a day behind. Didn't I do that yesterday?!

Above all things, I place God and the power of Prayer first. I know it may sound as if I am being sidetracked thinking about these things, but I know that I am not. Losing my job is but a small symptom of this dilemma that can be remedied by simply getting another job, but that is not the root of the problem.

I know it is hard for people who have never experienced these things to understand the perils of living with an evil spirit. It gets really frustrating to feel his presence by the things that he does and not be able to get rid of him.

I didn't want to frighten this woman who is trying to help me, but the priest who tried to do an exorcism died the next day and the woman who tried to help me long ago also died. My mother believes that my ex-mother-in-law had her hand in witchcraft when I was in a car accident in 1980, because she wanted me dead. My ex-mother-in-law died the week that I lost my house. Could it be that the spell died with her? Could it be that the "mother" El Nino Fidencio was talking about was my ex-mother-in-law and not my mother?

I know that I first sensed a spirit when I was about five years old. My father died when I was four. I was raped when I was five by my father's cousin.

In 1980, there was a stronger spirit in the house where I lived in Corpus Christi. I could feel his evil. I would often catch glimpses of white flashing by in the hall. I would wake up in the middle of the night, feeling him sitting there, just watching me as I slept. My daughter could feel his presence, too. The dog could feel him, too, barking as if he was barking at nothing. I would awaken with bruises all over my body. I could see the impression of the spirit when he would sit on my bed. I could feel him when he had sex with me.

Could it be that the spirit became stronger or could it be that there are more than one spirit? Whatever it is, I can feel that he came into my life through very powerful black magick.  I do not know if there are more than one spirit, but my main concern is to get rid of the bad one that is causing me the most problems.

When I woke up this morning, I was surprised to see that the flame on the white candle was no longer a "barely there" flame. It was burning brightly with a large flame. I must believe that it is yet another sign of hope.

Thank you, Lord, for surrounding me with angels.