Behind the Smile

                 

Sweet Norma Jeane, always smiling, always hiding her sadness behind the mask of Marilyn Monroe...

It seems impossible that such a beautiful woman could be so unhappy in her private life. It doesn't seem possible that the image the world had of her never allowed the public to see the intelligent woman that she was, the woman who loved to read and write poems.

Marilyn's career took off so quickly that she never took the time to work on her problems until the latter years of her life. Perhaps if she had started earlier, she would have had more of a chance, and she would have been stronger for it. Many people think she committed suicide, but I think she was murdered because she knew too much.

When I was a child, I wanted to be an artist, but the world took me in the opposite direction... I remember working in an office during the day, but at night, I was a volunteer for an organization called "Crisis Intervention." Counseling came very natural to me, and I was very good at it. Many people think that counseling is about giving advice, but if you are giving someone advice, you are not counseling. You are giving advice, and you cannot do that in counseling. It became very clear to me that I had found my life's calling, but it was also the beginning of my journey of self-discovery, a kind of self-therapy and knowledge that helped me to work through so much anger and pain from my childhood of abuse, sexual abuse, and abandonment. 

I have been very fortunate to have lived my life alone, because life has taught me many hard and difficult lessons that I probably never would have learned otherwise. 

Like Marilyn, I pour myself into my work to compensate for the love that I have never had from my mother or from a man. I have had many jobs since those days at "Crisis Intervention." I thank my grandfather for teaching me the power of work, for it is my work that sustains me, no matter how difficult or stressful. I thank God for my work and for the many people who have come into my life with a cry for help for their problems. Helping others has always helped me to take my worries off of myself.

But living in the Valley has been like rolling off a cliff. Yes, I feel that I am making a difference where God has planted me, but my heart cries to return to Corpus Christi where I can be closer to my children and far away from the criticism of a mother who will never love me or accept me... and my body cries to be healthy and fit. 

Being beautiful can be just as lonely and just as painful as being ugly and fat. ~ Winivere

Like Marilyn, I have had men in my life who were too busy trying to pull at my clothes instead of getting to know the real me. Unfortunately, my bad experiences with men began when I was only five years old.

When I was at the meeting on Friday, Desiree was drawing little hearts. "You're in love," I said. She nodded. "What's it like?" I asked. She just looked at me and laughed, and of course, I kept my secret silent.

I know I am capable of loving deeply, but what is it like to have somebody love you back? What is it like to have your mother love and accept you? I am glad that I chose to have a real mother-daughter relationship with the daughter that I raised. I have never been jealous of what other people have, but I have often wondered why I have never been given an opportunity to experience it. 

I know that for the past ten years, no man has sparked my interest. I know that for the past three to four years, I have been hiding behind the fat, because I am afraid to be re-discovered...

I think it is funny that people assume that just because you have had children that you know what love is all about. Having the love of a child is beautiful, but knowing in your heart that the child was conceived without love hurts. It is sad that when you experience sex, love is not always an automatic attachment.

Because of what I have learned from my career in helping others, I know that I am equipped with the tools to lose the weight, but sometimes it is easier to allow obesity to guard your heart from the slim self that could attract yet another person who will break the heart you have tried so hard to mend and re-mend. How many times can you re-mend a heart that has already been shattered to pieces more times than you can remember?!

Losing weight is like yet another project that I have to do, and I already have so much on my plate. That pun on words is obviously no accident. =.) My body is ready for renewal, but even though it has been ten years since I left my ex-husband, my heart is not ready...

My body cries to be healthy and fit and I know that it is a big part of my recovery. It is sad that coming to the Valley and living an hour away from my mother has caused me to take a giant step backwards. It is sad that living in the Valley has caused me to put myself on the back burner... As long as I live in the Valley, there continues to be a sadness behind my smile and my laughter that I do not allow the world to see. Like Norma Jeane, my sadness is hiding behind the smile.