Marriage Jokes

Marriage ( Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and  after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home  when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle  from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you  that I won't be home for dinner.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and  card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules.  Any comments?"

His new  bride said, "No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will  be sex here at seven o'clock every night ..whether you're here or  not."

(DAMN SHE'S  GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part  II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  getting you a headstone that reads: "Here  Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies.  "When you  die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:  "Here  Lies My Husband -  Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR  IT!)

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Marriage (Part  III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the  breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no  good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he  realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What  took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in  bed."  

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING,  TOO!)

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Marriage   (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his  achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his  wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go  to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to  find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  

He  shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of  Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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Marriage   (Part V)   The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were  having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need  his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business  flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),  he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am"  He left it  where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up,  only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious,  he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed  a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM   Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of  contests.  

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

These jokes tickled my funny bone. I thought I had it covered by being single. Now that I have this knowledge, I can get married! ha ha... God help the men I meet in 2007!

Winivere =.)