I've Fallen & I Can't Get Up

  Why do I keep falling? Could it be a revelation of something that I have chosen to block out?

1. Emotional eating. Whoever says they have never used food for comfort must be a liar. As a single person, I come face to face with stress everyday. Religion says that fornication is a sin. Religion says that gluttony is a sin. I suppose in my mind, I see fornication as the greater sin. That may justify why I choose not to be a loose woman, but that doesnt justify my reasons for overeating.

2. The Voices. There are, without a doubt, voices in my head, the tapes with my mother's critical voice. The voices that say that I am fat, that I am not worthy, that I wil never amount to anything, that I should have been born a boy. The voices that hurt, because in my head, I doubt myself or believe that perhaps these tapes must be true. Otherwise, why would my mother keep saying them?

3. The Cycles of Success & Failure. I start out good and I keep on track for awhile and then I fall for a little bit and then the goal disappears from thought, but then, my clothes are tight and I feel guilty about overeating and then the cycle starts all over again. Needless to say, I keep losing the same pounds over and over again but never get to my goal.

4. Burying Myself Deeper into The Glass Box. My fears of finding Mr Right causes me to hide behind the fat. Although I want to look good in my clothes, I am afraid for someone to see me look good in them. Why is it that I attract men that want to fu*k me but never men who want to just love me?

5. I want to lose weight my way. I dont want to count calories or carbs or points. I dont want to eat like a rabbit. I dont want to eat like a bird. I want to lose weight eating what I like. I dont want to give up my favorite foods. Is that bad? Is that too much to ask?

6. My body continues to rebel. Ha Ha Look what I did. I made you fall and hurt yourself. Ha ha Guess you have too much pain to go out and walk today. Ha Ha Looks like you need to stay out of the rain today. Ha Ha Youre too fat for your own clothes. Ha Ha

7. The desire to stay down. What's the point?! I've already lived my youth, and besides, I'm too old for this. I am a good person just as I am, and if people dont like me, because I am fat, that's their problem. 

Arughhhhhh... to calm my inner brat is easier said than done. It seems that everyday, my inner brat plays those stupid tapes in my head over and over again, and even though I may start the day out right, by the end of the day, she has won again. Why do I let her win? Why is this time around so different? Is it because I am in the Valley?

Letter to My Inner Child:

Dont pay attention to the lies of the people who should have loved you and guided you instead of putting you down and making you feel inferior. Keep in mind that even though you are sensitive, you were and have always been strong without their help. Keep in mind that no matter what they did, no matter what they said, you remain standing. Keep in mind that in spite of their wickedness, they did not destroy you. You are still here. You are still standing. So, shake off their wicked words, and live for today. Remember that even though your body may feel pain at this moment, God made your body so that it could heal itself. Remember that with God, all things are possible. Remember that with God, you are never alone.